About getting pregnant by a rapist...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
About getting pregnant by a rapist...
6
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 10:55pm

I Thank God it hasn't happened to me so far, and God forbid it ever does, but the subject still gets to me a lot.

Ever since I was a teenager, I would always ask myself what would happen if someone raped me and got me pregnant. I would often think of hypothetical scenarios in my head of what I would do if that did happen.

I think about it even more now as an adult. I have been working the night shift for six years; I have been fortunate enough to get a ride from a friend for the past two years, but I know that sometimes, the person who gives me a ride can't make it to work or is on vacation. On those nights, I have to walk to a bus stop alone in the dark and wait for a bus to work. And I know what risk this can pose. I feel that, for this reason, I have to keep asking myself these questions; every time I catch the bus to work, I am putting my life and my dignity on the line.

(Something happened to me that's made matters worse for me: I was grabbed from behind by a man at my bus stop back in February 2004, and I believe he was intending to take me somewhere and rape me, possibly even kill me. By the grace of God, my bus came and scared him off. I filed a police report, but I doubt he was caught, and sometimes I wonder if he would remember my face and whether he'd take another shot at me if he saw me again and this time, succeed.)

Initially, the answer I gave myself had always been the same: I would put the baby up for adoption, because keeping it would mean possibly living in extreme financial strain, due to the cost of raising a child and having to still get my own head straight (I am receiving therapy for years of depression and anxiety). I've had an argument about this with my sister, who believes it would be a selfish option, and that it's a way of blaming the child for the rape (which it isn't!).

After this argument I thought it through a little, and I began reconsidering what I would do. The biggest fear has been that if this does happen to me, I'd have to put my entire life on hold; I wouldn't be able to continue school or therapy, and I'd be miserable, and my life would be so destroyed that I wouldn't be able to recover. Also, if the child were a boy, I'd have to face the possibility that he could grow up to be just like his father.

I have decided I would continue school and therapy regardless, but I'm not sure if anyone else would accept that. I hate having to think about this all the time.

It's really depressing and scary, but I can't let the subject drop. Any advice?...

>>Airen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 11:37pm

Welcome, Airen. I am sorry to hear that these thoughts plague you. Many of us on the board are born worriers. @ times we are faced with obssessive thinking. Some of our fears are real, others are imagined. What you describe is typical *what if* thinking. If you have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I encourage you to see your medical doctor & have a good physical. There are some illnesses that can mimic anxiety. Thyroid problems, uncontrolled blood sugar, etc. We cannot diagnose you here.


When our thoughts cross the line, we have difficulty functioning in everyday life. I don't know if you're losing sleep or not eating well or avoiding situations where you feel you would not have safety. Only you can say how much these thoughts of rape have interfered. Here is a great article on Escaping the Worry trap:

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 2:45am

Thank you for understanding. I visited the link you provided, and it was really helpful.

I know to some degree that it doesn't do me any good to worry about something like this, because it only happens to 20-25% of college women (although they don't all get pregnant, thank God). I don't really think that it's so much that I'm afraid to get pregnant by a rapist as it is that I'm just afraid to let go and live.

My biggest fear is that someone or something is going to destroy my life to the point where I won't be able to recover and bounce back. I know that that could happen if a man rapes me and gets me pregnant. Granted, I'd be blessed with a child, and of course, should I decide to keep her, I'd do all I could to give her what she needed. But in the meantime (and this might sound selfish, but), what about me? Would I still be able to achieve anything, for her sake and my own? Would I still be able to become anything in this life if something like this happened? Goodness knows the rapist would have taken so much away from me already...

This fear--in addition to being attacked two years ago--has left me with a strong distrust in men and their intentions. Every time a man approaches me on the street with, "How are you doin', baby?", I want to hit him in his damn mouth. Sometimes I just want to strangle him for saying that to me. And I know I shouldn't feel that way. But as I said, I don't trust men's intentions. When a man says that to me, I don't know what he's up to or what he wants from me; I don't even know if I would live to see past it if I gave him a chance. The best thing I can do is put up my guard and act defensively. I feel like, if I let my guard down, it's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 9:42am

Hi Airen & welcome to our board.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 11:19am

After reading Sheri Ann's post, I got to thinking about PTSD & being prepared in the event that you needed help or safety. Here's the links to the PTSD & Crisis Center boards. Maybe reading how others have survived & their coping methods would be helpful to you. Good luck! (((hugs))) jan


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhptsd


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:47am

Thank you all so much. I'm sorry that I didn't respond right away.

To answer the question about school: I am majoring in Commercial Photography. This semester, I'm going to be learning to design ads. I'm really excited. ^_^

And yes, I do get drained by thinking about this. It's been bothering me for years; I don't even like to see it happen to other women, whether the incident is real or fictional. (In fact, I'm always coming up with nightmare scenarios about my favorite character on "Passions" being raped by the resident pimp and getting pregnant. I've even had dreams about it. Isn't that crazy?...)

Also, I've asked my parents how they'd feel about adoption, and they also feel it's a selfish option that shuts the baby out in the cold. So I decided--out of fear that my family might not speak to me again if I chose to give my baby away, and because I would love my baby--to keep the baby regardless of the circumstances.

At first, I felt better for tackling the issue a bit and discussing it with my parents. But then more things came to mind, and I became more depressed than ever about the issue. Now I keep thinking things like, "What if I get raped and become pregnant with multiple babies? Surely I can't afford to keep all of them!" or something as simple as, "What if I can't handle it? What if I'm not strong enough?" or, "What if I end up turning to drugs or alcohol or having a psychotic break? Then what?!" It just goes on and on, and I keep feeling worse the more I think about it.

My dad told me to just try to stay positive and strengthen my mind, and I'll make it. And I want to try to stay positive. But it's really hard to do when I think of something like this.

Thanks for the links, cl-ijanis. I looked at them and they were helpful to me. :)




Edited 1/15/2007 4:42 am ET by zephyrdoe
Avatar for ready2go2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 10:47am

I am going to say this, when I was 13 I was raped and then got pregnant by it. By the gracess of God I managed to keep it a secret and miscarried. I believe that in bad situations, things will somehow fix themselves, and in my case it did.

I have to go to school now, but I wanted to make a post before leaving.
Kristina

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