See saw effect

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
See saw effect
6
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:11pm

My dh has ADD and suffers from depression, sometimes worse than others. There are certain triggers, like the anniversary date of when his brother committed suicide, his brother's b'day, etc.

When I recently came down with this anxiety/panic disorder he was so great about helping me, getting me through those rough times when I was starting meds, really picking up the slack around the house because I just could not deal, etc. He was really amazing.

Well now that I'm starting to feel 'better' - meds have kicked in, I'm finally sleeping on a regular basis etc, he has started to slip into his depressive mode - stopped exercising (he only exercises 2x/week anyway but even that seems to help his mood), drinking a lot more, eating too much... Christmas was terrible. He drank 2 bottles of wine by himself and I was really bummed out and ticked off - I had looked forward to some quiet time with him after the kids went to bed, but I don't like to be around him when he's had that much too drink, he's pretty useless as company.

I feel like he totally steps up to the plate when I'm incapacitated, but then as soon as he sees me getting back to 'normal' it's the same old, same old. I'm tired of this cycle. I told him a couple of years ago that I love him but I'm not going to constantly ask "what's wrong" or "how can I help" because he knows what he needs to do when he gets like this - go back to his therapist, work out regularly, drink less and eat healthy. It's just exhausting for me to try to monitor his moods, and say the same thing over and over. It drives me crazy. I'm having a really hard time drawing the line between wanting to be supportive and just being plain sick of it. Not to mention he's on an antidepressant, and I keep telling him that they would work much better if he didn't drink at all.

I'm wondering if any of you have to deal with this kind of situation. It's like I'm the solver of all problems, and honestly it's no wonder that I've ended up being such a mess... I feel like I need to learn to let him deal with this stuff himself, but I have to say something because he can be a real pain to be around when he gets like this, and I hate for him to be such a crab to me and the kids.

My therapist and I have talked about this - how I need to let him step up to the plate more. He does help around the house, but it's like I'm the organizer of everything. I feel like I've been in this caretaker role so long that he is used to me picking up the pieces.

He really is a great guy, and when things are good they're great. And people are always telling me what a great guy he is, how cheerful and upbeat. Argh. If they only knew.

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Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:49am

This must be very difficult for you. Even when you aren't coping well with your anxiety, as a woman, you probably feel the pressure to continue in the caregiver role. I think you have a good attitude about your dh. He ultimately is responsible for keeping himself healthy. If he slides into depression, though you love him & can show concern, he must deal with the meds & therapy he needs. You're saying it, but it's hard to put it into actual practice.


I am glad you have talked this over with the therapist. In fact, sometimes it's suggested that folks in a relationship have a contract. If he doesn't care for himself & his behavior upsets you, then you guys agree what limits will be set. When he crosses the line, then you take care of YOU & the children. The way it is now, it is always easy to slip into the *enabler* role.


These problems you are facing are often discussed on the Families & Mental Illness board. Here's the link:

 

 


 



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Registered: 02-19-1998
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:01am

It sounds so much like my situation. My dh is always wonderful in crisis situations, such as what we had this fall, but once things normalize he too can get in a depressed mode.

You do need to realize that with your dh of course the anniversaries trigger depression, but he may have some SAD (seasonal affective disorder) right now since it is the darkest time of the year. My dh has some of that but then he was raised in south Florida until about age 11. But he tends to retreat and sleep if he is depressed rather than deal with problems too. It is pretty immature (IMO), but then I think it is learned behavior from his mother who was an alcoholic (self medicating for depression) who did that too sometimes.

As for your dh, if he is drinking that much in one day he has a drinking problem too. It could be he is self-medicating and he needs his meds adjusted. I don't know if you can get him to AA or another group, but if not you yourself may want to start going to Al-Anon to learn how to deal with him and not enable him.

Big hugs to you, and I hope you all get the help. Don't forget that his behavior affects the whole family and contributes greatly to your own depression and anxiety.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:59pm

It sounds like he really needs to feel needed & that when you are doing well, he kind of shuts down :(

Sheri Ann

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 6:22pm

Your post made me laugh. "I just ignore him." I do that too sometimes! But he does get really crabby and I get ticked off and he can be pretty crabby with the kids. I can only ignore so much.

My dh hides down in the basement - it's like his lair. I guess that's a common thing with guys.

I guess I feel like I'm just working so hard to get myself back to normal that I don't feel like dealing with all his issues right now. I told him when I first went back into therapy that I cannot be the one to monitor his behavior, moods, drinking, whatever. He is a grown up and those are his decisions. It's too much pressure on me. UGH. I think overall we have a pretty good marriage but I always tell people that God forbid something happened and I was single again I would never get remarried. It's so much work!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:34pm
UH OHHHHH Sounds a lot like my life!!
Your husband is a real match to mine!! My husband is not
daignosed nor has meds but he is depressed for sure! He also
has a drinking problem on and off---- I am the organizer and
planner also. He helps a bit around the house- he is very passive
aggressive and it drives me nuts!! When I am stressed out he is very
concerned also. He needs to go to theapy but does not recognize his
depresson at all! I have gotten tired of asking or suggesting things
so I just tell him where I am gonig and often he follows along!
All I can do is try to keep myself going--- if you have any good ideas
PLEASE pass them on! Thanks!! Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:56pm

It's so hard, when I tell my therapist about my dh, he tells me i need a divorce ;)

Sheri Ann