too many memories
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| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:36pm |
well last night i took some benadryl because i called my therapist and he said that since he cant call in a prescription for sleeping pills over the phone that i should try benadryl or melatonin to help me stay asleep. i fell asleep fine last night but i stil woke up. i got some of that melatonin but it goes by mg and target only had the highest dosage so i think i was afraid to take it. so i just took benadryl even though it didnt work all that great, but anyways to my story i had the craziest dream about a boy i dated like 6 years ago. it was a long relationship and he caused me to do alot of bad things like drugs and running away and dropping school. he is in jail now. go figure? but anwyays i have no idea why i dreamt about him. i have not had the best boyfriends, especially my most recent ex. which some of you might have read about it one of my lst posts about him being the cause to these panic attacks. i really think he was and that is why i developed this.
oh and also one of my books said that taking Vitamins B & C are good for anxiety but i have been taking them for maybe two weeks now and i dont really see a change. i smoke cigarettes but i am slowly cutting back on them.
melissa

You are doing the very best you can, Melissa. You must remind yourself of that when the worry begins. The vitamins are not a cure-all, but they will keep your body in balance. It's hard not to think about the past, so try living in the present. You cannot change what has happened. You can live only for today. The next time you are faced with sadness of the past, go for a walk or talk with a friend. We can't fight anxiety, but we can distract it from effecting us as much.
We need to dream. It is the way we recover from the day's activities. Our dreams are another way of coping with life's daily problems. Even if they're scary or a reminder of unpleasantness, our mind & body needs them to heal.
That is great that you're cutting back on smoking! I quit 19 years ago & it was so hard. Good luck in your quest to get rid of them for good! You will feel so much better. Have you tried the anti-anxiety diet? It has some good ideas: http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhanxiety/0,,hld9,00.html
Sheri Ann
(( ((double hugs for you Melissa)) ))
There should be laws against ex-boyfriends invading our dreams. Especially jerk ex-boyfriends. Especially when we really need to get some sleep.
Here's something my best friend suggested I try for dealing with difficult memories when they come up. She's had a lot of success with doing this to deal with emotionally traumatic events from her childhood, situations surrounding her parents' divorce for example. Sometimes it helps me, sometimes it doesn't, but it's worth a try. I usually learn a little something even if it doesn't help much. It seems sort of goofy at first, but you don't have to do it out loud or tell anyone about it.
Imagine yourself today walking into a room where 6-years-ago Melissa is sitting. Walk over and hug her, a completely loving embrace, with total acceptance, without any hint of judgement or regret. Hug her as though you were hugging a little child . Tell her those things you now wish you'd known then. Again, without regret or judgement, but sincerely and honestly. Tell her you love her . Assure her that things will get better.
If it isn't too difficult, you might also imagine yourself walking into a room and sitting down to talk with the six-years-ago ex-boyfriend as well. Calmly, and remembering that you're in control of this situation, tell him that he's harming six-years-ago-Melissa. Tell him that he will stop doing the things that are harming her. Don't ask him, tell him. It's your visualization, you have total control over what happens. He can't disagree, he can't walk away, he can't refuse to listen, and most importantly he can't do anything to hurt you. Tell him that he's bothering you now and that he is going to go away and leave you alone. Maybe you should tell him that he's going to stay out of your dreams. You can tell him when the conversation is lover and to get up and leave, for good.
Like I said, it seems goofy at first. But it's something you can do all alone -- when it's ok to feel sort of awkward. It's helped me some, and for my best friend, it's been very powerful.
You have my prayers, support, and well-wishes as you cut back on smoking and eventually succeed in stopping smoking. You're in a tough place right now, so go slow. Take it easy on yourself. Use the patch or gum if you need to. If you have a bad day, focus on having a good week. While each day counts for something, it's stopping for good that matters.
Security "blankets" are hard to let go of, especially when we use them to cope with anxiety. Coping mechanisms are not as simple as "black" and "white", "good" and "bad", or "healthy" and "un-healthy". They exist on a continuum, and this is important to keep in mind. Smoking 8 or 10 times a day is probably a healthier coping mechanism than drinking a bunch of beers. Popping in a piece of nicotine gum is healthier than smoking a cigarette.
An **IMPORTANT NOTE** about the nicotine patch, because you've already mentioned crazy dreams, if you don't take the patch off before bed it can cause very strange and vivid dreams.
...at least according to my own ex-boyfriend, who has been known to show up, *always unwelcome*, in my dreams from time to time. So, also remember you aren't alone in that.
And if it helps, as you fall asleep, imagine all of us on this discussion board waiting with baseball bats to take care of any unwelcome ex-boyfriends who show up in your dreams. ;)
Shelley
(who's placing her own dream-guarding baseball bat by her pillow tonight)
thank you so much, i will try my best to do that with my dreams. should i do it before i go to bed so i dont dream about him or just throughout the day? the dream about the guy from6 years ago, i have no idea why that happened, except i can only think that all the things i dream about are all a part of why i have anxiety. i have made many many many mistakes in my life. especially when i was younger with that guy, and i do think about the mistakes alot and i write about them in my journal because i am afraid to tell any of my friends or my boyfriend, who is so wonderful to me, about them. afraid they will judge me because they are pretty horrible things. i have made it this far without letting them get to me its just sometimes it is hard to forget. especially if i see someone or something that reminds me but i always tell myself it was in the past and i just need to focus on the future and that all those things are what have made me stronger today. sometimes i wish i could be completely honest with my boyfriend about these things but im afraid of his reaction. i always think "ok today is a good day" but then i think man our anniversary was just a few days ago, what will he think. or silly reasons like that not to tell him. i know that no one is perfect, i can only hope i am doing the best i can right now to deal with everything in my life. i never thought i would deal with somethign so difficult. but i have faith and a part of me thinks "god" let this happen to me so that i could "find myself and who i am" i was not always the nicest person. in fact, i dont even know how my bf dealt with me sometimes. i am a fun person but i was very conceided and cocky and thought no one or nothing could hurt me. and now i see myself differently. im nicer now i love doing things for other people as broke as i am. haha. i struggle with money but i dont stress about it because i know there are alot of people a lot worse off than me. i am more thankful for what i have now i feel, and that i cherish all the good things in life now more. so in away maybe this was a good thing for me to go through even as hard as it is sometimes. im starting to write in a journal daily now. well from today. before i was just writing sometimes.
i didnt sleep all that well last night, but it wasnt because of a panic attack, actually i felt great last night. i think its cause i have come down with a bad cold and i have had the worst headaches the past 3 days and sneezing and couging and stuff. bluh! i have been taking my vitamins and i loove orange jiuce so i dont understand how i got sick. but i heard stress causes your immune system to be weak but thats why i started the vitamins. oh well. i dont know what kinda cold medicine i should take because in a book i have they say alot of them have caffeine in them and thats not good for your anxiety. so if you know of any please let me know? also i am going to my therapist today to get sleeping pills. im a little nervous about them , zoloft made me feel terrible, prozac has seemed to be okfor me, is there any sleeping pills you think i should suggest?
love,
melissa
xxoo
Hi Melissa,
Probably a little late in the day to be much help on this first part, sorry. The only sleeping pill I've used is one called "Sonata." It's unique in that its very short-acting, 4-6 hours instead of 6-8 with most of the others. My pdoc prescribed it because I would go to bed around 11pm and get to sleep fine, but wake up at 2 or 3 am and toss and turn for another hour or two before getting back to sleep. With the short-acting pill, I could take it at 2 or 3am and still wake up alert enough for class.
I think everyone I know is getting a cold or getting over one. ((Melissa)) One thing I've discovered for sinus pain / sinus headaches that helps me a lot is a heat pack. It works amazingly fast sometimes. There's also a great long acting cough medicine called Mucinex that I use. By the way, since you're taking an anti-depressant, you should probably stay away from any of the DM, demoxithoriphan (sp?), cough suppresants until you check with your pdoc.
Try to remember that everyone has done things we're ashamed of; recall my earlier story about my therapist's rock. Oh God! have I done things I'm ashamed of! There are things I've been ashamed to tell people, but when I finally told them, when I explained the situation in which I a wrong choice they were so understanding. They could see how I learned from those events and how past mistakes shaped the person they know today.
You're like me. You learned from your mistakes. You used them to become a different, better person. The Melissa that exists today is a kind and caring person, not cocky and concieted. Today's Melissa has a nasty cold, and knows darn well she is not indestructable! The person you are today is the person your friends know and the person your bf loves. You couldn't have become the person you are today without having made mistakes. Talking about past mistakes and why we made them is an important part of therapy. I bet you'll find a lot of things you've already changed about yourself, changes for the better.