Came up with some questions

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Came up with some questions
3
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:40am
First of all I would like to say thank you for the welcome I have recieved, I was sort of surprised actually. Today has been okay, kind of got up late, but I know that was because I haven't been sleeping so well either. Tonight I plan to take some gravol just so I can fall asleep before midnight. So before I do that, I have some questions I would like to ask and see if you feel the same or have opinons about it. First is money. I just started recieving welfare until I can get disability. I had to have alot of assurances before I even considered financial assistance. I was taught as a kid that welfare is for those who REALLY need it. I am not dening that past month hasn't been nice, I mean I have been able to buy food, and pay rent to my parents, and buy other things I need. I really do hope I get the disability, because at the moment I cannot work, and anyone who knows me knows its true. The most I can handle is going to school, and even that is speciallized.
I am looking into a kind of assisted living for people who have mental health problems. Basically you live on your own, get the disability, and you have people who check up on you. I really want to get into this one program because they have connections so your apartment is not nearly as much money and stuff like that. But thats not my question. I was wondering if spending money on yourself is as hard for me as it is for others. Like I can buy food, because ever since I was young we have had financial problems, but food was always on the table no matter where we were. So I guess that is in me. But other things like clothes, and school things, and even getting my hair done because I really want to do it, it causes me soooo much anxiety. I have wanted to have my hair foiled for just over a year, and every opertunity I say no because I think of the money. Bigger picture now, I find myself saying no to new things because I am scared of them. I have to basically get coached by someone to do it. Going with one of the classes to the YMCA I kept chickening out, and then a teacher I trusted (left school) finally spoke to another teacher and told her I am anxious and had to reasure me I would be okay and if I needed she would come get me. Same as the school fieldtrip. If I dont have that safety netting I spazz. How does a person live life that way???? Like my biggest worry is I will be old with these problems. Yet I really don't know how to change this. I realize some of my anxiety is rational and other times its not. The thing is, when your in the middle of some massive anxiety, you don't always have time to think rational. Like a couple of weeks ago when I went to visit mom at the hospital I saw someone really bad, and I freaked. I had enough sence to cover my face so he wouldn't see me, but after that, I couldn't get on the elevator to see my mom. I kept going in circles talking to myself and trying to call the person at the school I trusted. She convinced me to take deep breaths and then count to 50 while I hoped on the elevator. I realize at the start my anxiety was rational exspecially when I was almost face to face with him, but then when I was safe in the hospital I still couldn't think.
I have been doing alot of reading on anxiety and depression lately. Alot of the stuff I find interesting. I know that when I am anxious I can get agressive to others. I know that I don't think rational. I know that I can hypervenlate. I know as a matter of fact that I am unable to take medications as needed. I used to get "hooked" on my meds when I had that option, and when I was supposed to take 1, I would take 11 to stop the anxiety. I learnt that caused a whole new problem. I will let you know that taking more pills then the dr says is never a good idea. My stomach would still suffer even if I was sent to the hospital. Dont worry though, I don't get like that anymore. I can tell you that in the past 2 years, i have taken an extra pill only twice and that was emergency situation. I don't even carry my medications with me. I know when I get anxiety I have to do deep breathing, and think of a happy place, which I do work on. IN the books I was reading, people explained there sleep as if there brains just kept on working. Which is what mine does. I get nightmares all night, and move around way too much. I even managed to bruise/sprain my knee in my sleep. I have slept walked since I was started walking. I did some thinking about anxiety and all, and asked my mom if I was an anxious child, cause I know it sometimes starts young, she said no I wasn't, but I was very clingy to her. I can say I am 19 and still have that problem, we are sooo in tune with each other its not even funny. I am an extremely sensitive person, sometimes its good, other times its not. I can most of the time tell you if something is wrong, but other times... I feel so bad inside myself that I guess it projects onto others. Does that make sense? Then I make them made because I am soooo sure something is wrong. I do hope my dr and I can make the right decision about my medications so at least that way I can get some sleep and have a proper schedule. I am trying really hard though, I try to go outside in the sun (whenever that is, I have a stationary bike I use, I play with my guinea pigs. I try to help mom as much as I can. And I go to school. Nov and Dec were the first months I managed to go to school everyday in 3 years, cool hey???? Some days are more productive then others. okay My eyes are getting tired, took that gravol, and I think I can fall asleep soon if I try hard enough,although I shouldnt have to try and sleep. I believe it should come naturally.
Thanks for letting me talk myself to sleep :)
Night!!!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 9:24am

Hi,

Financial issues are a big source of stress. I don't think your reaction is uncommon. Sometimes I have to tell myself to ease up a bit and remind myself that things like new clothes actually are an essential, so not to feel anxious/guilty when I shop or spend on them.

And I find that when I'm feeling good about how I look and taking care of my appearance, other people respond well to me too, to my increased confidence & better mood. So if you can afford the hair foil, I think why not? Go for it.

I'm glad you have your Mom and friends and a mentor at school. A great support group is the best medicine. :)

Smiles,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:26am

I can really relate to the money thing. My partner has to force me to even spend so much as a dollar on myself. The thoughts start but I could use that for this or that. I'll spend my money on my animals and grandboys but me no way. I've been this way my whole adult life.

Good luck on your disability. I'm in the process of trying to get mine also. Been going on three years now with all the appeals and such. Hopefully I hear something soon. Like you I grew up believing Welfare was for those that really needed it and I felt I wasn't one of "those" people. Took alot for me to admit I was one of those in need. Now I have no problem asking for help. I've worked my whole life and asked for nothing. Now I'm older and say give me what's mine.

Keitha

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:04pm

(((Kristina))) I am glad you were able to vent & get some shut-eye in the process;)


I have had financial problems & I think we learn what we live. Rather than making a budget & sticking to it, we just shut down