Introducing Me!/Long, Very Long
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| Sat, 12-30-2006 - 4:42am |
If you are overwhelmed by how much I type I am so sorry. Take a break, come back to it later (if you are interested). I just have SO much to get out! I am just not quite sure where to start.
I am 27 and through counseling (no longer in counseling) I have discovered that I have more than likely been having anxiety attacks since I was around 2 or 3 years old. I have 2 older sisters (8 and 6 years older) and a younger brother (by 2 years). All 4 of us have problems with anxiety. We had a rough childhood but I try to remind myself that it could have been a lot worse. Both of our parents were abused pretty badly and we were lucky in the fact that they chose to break that cycle. However we were still exposed to their parents and were abused by our dad's parents.
The first time I have a memory of having an anxiety attack was when I was 7 years old. At the time I had no idea what was going on, but now knowing and looking back I can say, "Oh! That's what happened that day!" Knowing made so many moments in my life make sense. My siblings and I have sort of seperated ourselves into 2 groups. The nice ones and the crazies is what I call these groups. I am in the nice group (of course!) with my oldest sister. The other 2 I really only associate with because I love their kids to pieces. Us nice ones try really hard to please everyone else, to fix our families problems and tend to ignore ourselves. The crazy ones are selfish and don't take care of their kids and are very addicted to drugs. Sometimes seeing their numbers on caller ID is too much for me because they both only call me when they want something and I just don't have it in me to give to them anymore because of how much they have used me along with the rest of our family.
My oldest sister and I are alike in so many ways and get along very well. Our problems with anxiety are very similar. She deals with depression more often than I do though. I have gone through times where I have anxiety every single day for 4-5 months. I can't eat when I am anxious. Even putting a bite of food in my mouth makes me feel sick, chewing and swallowing is impossible. Last year at this time I was down to 110 lbs and was living off of ensure and boost drinks. It was a very exciting for me when I started gaining weight again!
My biggest trigger for anxiety is when I feel like things are out of my control. Even when it is something that was never in my control to begin with. Until I began seeing the right counselor who helped me to understand these things about me I completely wrecked relationships. Once anxiety is upon me my thoughts and feelings become completely irrational and somewhere deep, deep down inside I know it but it takes a while before I can convince myself of this. I don't really like to take medicine because of how easily addicted some of my siblings can get to things it's sort of a fear of mine. I have medicine that is to be taken on a need to basis. I always wait until it gets to its absolute worst before I take it.
So for the past few weeks it has been getting bad again and I am trying to figure out why, what is it that I feel is spinning out of my control? I just can't quite put my finger on it. I just started working for a new company so I am not able to see a doctor or counselor until my insurance kicks in. Also, I travel a lot for work. I don't really have a home I live in hotels in the Northwest reigion. I can never say where I will be when and just use my dad's address for mail and such. I have yet to find a counselor that is willing to do sessions over the phone and it is almost impossible for me to make an appointment and keep it. At the very least, and not very often, I work 10 hours a day. Usually 12, lately 13-14. I could say, okay I am going to be working in Seattle I'll find a counselor here. But the very next week I could be in Portland or somewhere in Eastern Washingotn. I know I need counseling, I still have so much to learn and work through. I just have no idea how I am going to accomplish that. The job that I am doing right now is not something that I plan on doing for the rest of my life but for now I really enjoy it and this is the first time I have ever enjoyed working so I don't want to quit to stay in one spot to get counseling. It's all just a confusing mess for me right now.
I guess right now I am just looking for a place to go where people may understand me and what it is that I go through.
Thanks for listening/reading. Any advice or helpful hints are way more than welcome and appreciated!
And oh I think my oldest sister posts on here once in a while so I just want to say LOVE YOU! ;)Thank goodness I've got you!

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Hey Amy thanks for your reply. I find I do the daily emotional thing with my sister as well. She has been visiting family on the East Coast and not being able to talk to her has been driving me CRAZY! We finally played catch up a few hours ago and it was great.
I have been doing this kind of work for about 9 months now. I just recently switched companies. I don't think it's my job that has caused an increase in my anxiety. I get a certain kind of satisfaction out of the work I do and it's a good feeling. It is a dangerous job and I have been anxious at work because there seemed to be impending doom, but as soon as things were settled down I was fine. Other than that, I really enjoy it. A lot of people didn't think I could do this because I am SUCH a girly girl and I have proven to myself, as well as others, that my physical and emotional strength goes beyond what anyone expected. At the previous company there was a lot of drama and it did add to my anxiety while I was there, but that ended in November. The guys I work with now are mostly a lot of fun and they are the kind of people that when I have had problems with I can just say, "Hey I didn't like when you..." then it's done and over with. We all depend on each other for safety because if one of us does something unsafe it can put all of us in a lot of danger. So to me it is very important to keep communication open. I need to be able to tell them if I felt something they did was something that could possibly put us all in danger. I take the whole safety thing very, very seriously.
I am really hoping to find a counselor that is willing and able to work with my crazy schedule. I stopped going to counseling when I started traveling for work knowing that I wasn't quite ready to be through with it but also knowing that this was an amazing opportunity for me.
Thanks for your input and kind words. I'll be *seeing* you soon I am sure!
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