Safe place to vent...

Avatar for ready2go2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Safe place to vent...
2
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:10am
I am lying in bed, listening to my meditation tape, when all of a sudden I get this huge rush of adrenaline. I can feel the pulse in my throat, I can feel my heart pounding, I can feel the blood rushing to my hands. The heat my body feels from head to toe is unknown. I feel my joints aching, and then have the sudden urge to cry. I hold it in while I get up, grab my laptop and find myself a safe place to write for the moment. I do not know what to expect from this for myself, maybe a little peace of mind I guess.
Now I am listening to nature sounds mixed with classical music, less stressful this way, no pressure to sleep.
My goal for the next little while it to try and clear my mind from what I feel may be causing these sensations in my body.
I went and saw my doctor today. I would like to say I love her, she never makes me feel stupid, and she always works on finding a solution. I remember when I was 14 years old, I was in the pediatricts ward for depression, she offered my mom to become my doctor. Just like that.
I discussed with her my medications, she upped the Gabapentin, 200mgs at night, and 100mgs in the morning. I believe this is the right path. She was thinking of adding Wellbutrin, but she does want to be careful since I am on so many medications at the moment and unable to wean off of them yet. It is nice knowing someone is out there looking out for my best interests. She was suprised and frustrated to hear I have not been able to see my counselor for 2 months now, and have not had my medications checked out by a pshyciatrist in months. I do not believe in having many proffesionals around, I know what that does. It causes caos at times. Too many opinions on what you should do. But at the moment, I really do feel I need to have someone who can monitor my progress with my medications. I really do not like the feeling of "out of control". I do try my best to stay calm though.
Next week I have my appointment with my doctor again to fill out the forms for my getting disability.
I had been thinking of this since people would want to know what would I do with this money, what would it lead to? Would I stay on it indefinately?
The answer is this. I want/need to have the option of this disability check for the next few years. I do believe I will find the right therapist and the right coping skills. I believe I can have the right medications. I believe there is the chance I MAY have to stay on medications for the rest of my life.
I want to feel like I can graduate to the best of my abilities. I want to get rid of this curse called anxiety. I want to be able to volunteer, and find the right part time job. When I am ready, I then can have a full time job and leave those disability checks behind me. I want/NEED this stuff to be a part of my past.
I do not want to live like this forever, and I feel like I really do need to fight for what I deserve. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to not live in fear. I deserve to feel pretty. I deserve to let myself loose weight. I deserve to have no more anxiety. I deserve to feel like a smart person. I deserve to believe in whatever religious belief I choose. I deserve to feel like a woman who is free. I also deserve to be heard.
This is my goal for 2007.
Sincerely,
Kristina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:15pm

Sorry about the panic, Kristina. I know how uncomfortable that rush of adrenaline can be):


You have set yourself some short term as well as long term goals. You seem to be going in the right direction. I hope that you keep a journal of these thoughts. In the future you can look back @ them & see how far you've come. Good luck in getting a good therapist. Sometimes it can be hard to find someone we connect with. But, you need to try. As for seeing a psychiatrist, if your dr. is suggesting that you see one to check on your meds, then she has good reason. We have to trust the professionals. There won't be any chaos, only the best mental health care will be provided & that is what you need to attain your goals. (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:37pm

Kristina, it certainly sounds like you are going in the right direction!

Sheri Ann