Horrible night last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Horrible night last night
5
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:53pm

I posted my first message yesterday about being new to depression, anxiety and this board. I heard back from many of you and it was so refreshing to hear others relate to what I'm going through! Thank you for all of the great suggestions and kind words.

Last night was my worst night yet. I had been having a tough day and then had to rush to take my new puppy to the vet about 30 miles away from where I live outside of Atlanta. The traffic here is awful so I knew the drive would be bad esp with a puppy. I got home to take him out before driving to the vet and he had messed all over his crate, so that made me feel awful for him and more upset. The drive wasn't bad, well traffic was, but he was good and didn't even mess in his little bag I had him in. The vet assured me I was doing everything really well in raising him and I felt better. I find myself needing constant reassurance about everything I do and that's not usually like me. After the vet I went to my BF's and he had a horrible day but I found that I couldn't be there for him b/c I was so wrapped up in my own feelings of worthlessness, sadness, anxiety, frustration and I hated that. He was in need to some of my time to hear about his day and love him and comfort him and I couldn't! I was too needy. He spent the evening taking care of me and just sitting there watching me as I broke down and cried three times and had panic attacks. I didn't sleep well at all and feel exhausted at work today. My doctor called in xanax for me to start taking until I can see my psychiatrist in two weeks, so at least I can have some relief from the anxiety later. I also take Ambien CR to sleep and that really helps. I have lupus too and though I'm in remission (and have been for almost nine years!) I still get tired easily from stress and get run down easily. I also get cold sores when I'm really stressed and those make me feel physically exhauted and run down, too. I feel like I'm getting one now and I'm obsessing about that, too. I have to get a grip on these out-of-control feelings b/c I definitely don't want to be run down anymore than I already feel!!

Hope you are all having a good or somewhat good Friday. That alone should make us happy! :)

xoxo
Kim W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 2:58pm

(((Kim))) Sorry to hear about your bad night. I know that is very difficult to accept what is happening to us. This is NOT something you can control. You can however control how much or how little you will allow the anxiety/depression to affect you.


You are doing all the right things. The xanax will help. Take it as the dr. directed. Many of us don't like to take meds, but for now it's a necessary part of recovery. You have many things going on in your life. Reduce some of the stress load to a more manageable level. Distract yourself from the physical aspects of the anxiety. A cold sore could happen to anyone @ anytime. You have managed with them before. Remind yourself that even the smallest concern is *major* when we are anxious. I had a flat tire yesterday. I was unable to *think* of what to do first. Anxiety can make us unsure & push us into the overwhelmed stage.


Belly breathing works. Keeping active through exercise is an awesome anxiety buster. You are still an *ok* person even though you're a bit needy & not as available to your bf. Cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself. This will pass, but never soon enough. I care about you. We're all on this journey together to find our balance. GL! jan


PS Read Manny's post on using your *get out of jail free* card;)

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 4:54pm

Jan,

Thank you for taking time to reply. I see how often you reply; you must be swamped just replying to all of us. :) I appreciate it though. It's a few hours later since I wrote about my night last night and I am feeling better. I can let this control me or I can take steps to controlling myself. Sure there will be times when I still get anxious and feel out of control, but it's the rest of the time that I need to focus on feeling okay and positive. I have beat lupus, diagnosed at 16; dealt with the loss of a boyfriend when I was 24; been married and divorced already (my decision on the divorce), and am totally on my own now...I'd say I have been through a lot. Oh yeah, and my parents got divorced when I was six and I'm finally dealing with some family issues I've put on the back burner all these years. I feel like I'm "coming into my own" at 30. Better late than never I guess. Depression and anxiety plagues my father's side of the family and for years I've denied that it could ever affect me. My aunt and cousin have had such a hard time with it and I always thought how helpless that must feel. Well, now I'm experiencing some of it myself and lean on them, too. Unfortunately my mother and her side of the family don't really think depression and anxiety are real; they think society uses those terms as cop-outs, so I fought it for so long admitting that I was dealing with those very issues. It wasn't until I told my psychologist that I did not like those words and didn't want to classify myself as dealing with depression and anxiety and he told me that I truly am dealing with those things and I better start facing it that I actually admitted that it is happening to me. It is a helpless feeling but there is help and a bright future for people like us. At least I have a supportive BF, friends, sister and one half of my family and now you great friends. :)

I hope your weekend is really nice and that mine is, too.

Take care,
Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:10pm

Don't tell anyone, Kim, but replying to posts keeps me sane:) We are told by the powers that be, NOT to over-tend our boards. To hold back & allow other members to reply to new posts. When you see me *jumping right on them,* my anxiety is high. NK! I put myself in the poster's shoes & imagine that I am anxious & noone answers my post so I get more anxious. I would worry that as a newbie, noone cared or liked me, so I was put on *ignore.* I am an expert in ONE thing only. MY ANXIETY. LOL


You have a grrrreat weekend, too. (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:46am

Kim, I just wanted to say I think the Xanax will help you alot.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 12:12pm

Kim, I'm so glad you found the board! I too am pretty new to the board (maybe within the last month or so) and I have to say everyone here is so supportive and kind.

I read your story and it felt so "real" to me because I have been doing the same thing. My kids need me, my DH needs me, everyone wants a piece of me. And I end up closing everyone out and focus in on my own problems and don't really hear anything else. It's difficult with anxiety to take care of anyone else. You need to take care of yourself. It sounds as if your BF is really supportive. Don't feel badly about what is going on. Just take the hugs and know that no matter what you have people around you who love and care about you :)

I am so sorry you had such a rough night, and if you need to talk, we're here for you!

Hang in there honey and get some rest.

Stacey