Progress and Confusion
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| Sun, 01-21-2007 - 10:46pm |
Hello all! I've not been posting much, but have been trying to make it to chat at least once a week. Thank you ladies, for being so wonderful! If you haven't checked out chat yet, you should come visit us!
Things had been going pretty well for me over the last couple of weeks. I had some issues around the holidays, but was expecting that with dh gone. So, I got through that okay.
I've been working a lot of this feeling of self doubt I always seem to have. I doubt my ability to do things, to be able to handle differnt situations and challenges. Every time some thing comes up that I'm unsure of, I automatically go to the "I don't know if I can do this" place. My T doc and I have talked about self esteem issues in the past, and about how to become a person that I really like, instead of always thinking that I should be doing this or that.
So, serveral months ago, I did this exercise where you try to find meaning and purpose in your life by writing your own obituary. It was a hard thing for me to do, but it really made me think about how I wanted to be remembered. I kept thinking that I wanted to be remembered as someone that people could rely one. Some one who actually did what they said they would do, and offered genuine help and support to those around them. Some one who was kind and confident and an asset to the community. I wanted to be remembered as having been loving to my family and friends. Basically, what it came down to for me, is that I wanted to live my life in such a way that I would be a good example of what it is to truly attempt to live a Christ-like life.
I found the exercise to be extrememly helpful, because I was at a point in my life where I felt I didn't have any direction. To be honest, the main focus of my life has been being a wife and homemaker, but with dh leaving again, I felt lost and felt I needed some other purpose in my life that didn't leave me feeling like I was useless if he wasn't around.
So, I started looking for ways to serve others in the course of daily life. I've tried to take every opportunity to volunteer or just help out that have come my way. I've also tried to be more forgiving and kind to others, and to stop making judgements about people and their choices and behaviors. I've tried to keep my commitments, whether I was having anxiety or not.
The problem I'm encountering now, is that I recognize that a big part of my involvement in different projects is somewhat selfish. I like to take opportunities to help, because it allows me to be around people more, and I've just been incredibly lonely since dh left. Another problem I've been having is that in the past couple of weeks, people have been commenting on what a nice person I am, or what a good christian I am, or how well i do this or that. It's just weird to me, and it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like telling these people that I'm not really a good person, I'm just lonely and don't know what else to do to pass the time.
And then at other times, I get done with a service project and see what we've accomplished and I feel good about it and then I feel guilty for feeling good about it, because, I wonder if it's okay to feel good about helping others, when the reason I do it is because I don't know what else to do.
The thing that confuses me, is that I really do enjoy helping others, and I have always been a person to volunteer. Before I started having anxiety issues, I did a lot of volunteer work. I had mostly stopped after I started having bad anxiety, because I felt like I couldn't handle other people's problems or seeing people who were so in need. I just couldn't handle the sadness and hopelessness I saw in people, anymore.
So, on one hand, I feel like I've made progress, because I'm able to do these things again, and I feel more connected to my community and my church because of it. But on the other hand I have so much guilt, because people tell me I do a good job. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I wonder, sometimes if it has something to do with the fact that my parents were never big on praise. You did things because you were expected to, or because it was the right thing to do. There was never any praise for doing a good thing if it was something that you should do, like helping the old neighbor lady with her yard or to carry in groceries. That was something you were just supposed to do.
I guess I"m just not used to people expressing their appreciation for things. Although, because of the way my parents were, I've always made sure that I express my appreciation for everyone in my life who helps me or supports me or just plain puts up with me.
I know this may sound a little silly to some of you, but it's a big source of anxiety for me right now. And it's just not about the volunteer stuff lately. It's also bothered me how good I feel when someone tells me that I have a good singing voice, or that I am good with customers at work. It's like getting praise of any kind makes me feel guilty, because I start to feel good about myself. I start to feel more confident, and then I worry that I'm going to turn into this egotistical jerk or that I am person who seeks out praise from others to feel validated.
Even as I'm writing this, I'm worried that you guys are going to think that I'm only talking about this stuff so that you'll think I'm a good person. It's frustrating.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else?
Thanks, for letting me get it out here. I know I need to talk to my Tdoc about this, so, I'll be seeing her this week. I just didn't know that when we started working on self esteem issues, it would be so hard.

Debbie
I have some of the same feelings, Jess. I find it very hard to accept a compliment, in spite of the fact that I put a lot of work into a task & considered it my best work. Something we need to overcome.
Last night I watched a great family movie called Akeelah and the Bee. It gave me tingles. Very inspiring & uplifting. If you get a chance, watch it. Here is the quote they used in the film. This is in it's entirety. HTH I know it got me to thinking. Good luck & GBU! (((hugs))) jan
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
It actually makes complete sense to me.
Jess, you come across as a very kind, caring & dependable person to me.
Sheri Ann
is not an issue!! YOU DO IT!! Taking compliments is difficult for those
of us with low self esteem---- I used to look around behind me to see if
the person was talking to someone else LOL!! Giving of yourself and your
time to others is admirable!! Sure you are lonely but so are those you
are helping! Self esteem is a big big issue with me also-- my T works with
me with hypnosis and I have to hear the tapes over and over to even let it
sink in----- I was the youngest in my family and always a pain in the butt!!
I could do nothing to please my parents and constantly wanted SOME recognition
for my worth!! I never got it!! The inner child in me needs some good
compliments. I have a little good book where I write things I have done that
are giving and loving!! Accomplishements I am proud of. Maybe this would help
you also??? Jeeeee it is tough to believe in ourselves!! GOD BLESS! Judy
I think it's wonderful doing all the volunteer work, no matter what your motives are. Since I came down with anxiety I have been more involved with my church and reached out to them more. One thing I have learned since I started dealing with all this is to go with what feels good. You are doing the right thing by getting involved in your community.
Don't beat yourself up! I know it's hard if you weren't praised a lot. One thing I have tried to teach my girls is how to accept a compliment. Honestly I used to deflect compliments myself. I find the best way to deal with them is to say "Thank you, that is so nice of you to say that" or something along those lines. It takes a lot of the awkwardness out of it - acknowledge their kindness and then move the conversation along.
Thank you so much for your replies, ladies. I can't tell you how much better reading them made me feel. I guess I've just been so unhappy with how my anxiety had affected my life lately. I didn't like the person I was turning into. Not getting involved or offering support where I could, because I didn't think I could handle other people's problems. I made the decision to do my best not to be like that anymore. I just didn't expect to end up feeling so uncomfortable when people actually noticed.
When I think back on it, I realize that I've never been good at accepting compliments. I guess a part of me has always thought that people wouldn't really say nice things about me if they really knew me. But, as I'm starting to like myself more, it's gotten weirder for me. I guess what it comes down to is that I wonder if it's okay to actually like myself. lol That seems so silly to me when I actually say it, but I really wonder sometimes if it is. It's a little weird, too, to realize that other people actually like me. I avoided people for a long time because I was afraid that they wouldn't like me. To realize that I am actually a likeable person is a little strange to me, as well. I'm beginning to think I have had more of a social phobia than I was aware of. I think part of my issue, along with accepting compliments, is that I'm afraid to be noticed. Jan, that quote you posted really hit home with me. Thanks for posting it.
Thanks again, ladies. I will still talk to my Tdoc about it, but I feel a little better about things alread thanks to you guys.
I know what you mean about feeling like you were just doing what you SHOULD be doing!
Keep up the good work and God bless you!
Lynne