need support :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
need support :(
21
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:29am

Hello Everyone,

I am 22 years old, for about a year now I have lived away from my family everything I knew to come and live with my boyfriend. When I first moved here we were living with his parents, and then we finally decided to move out. Every since we have moved out (Oct. 2006) I have had very bad anxiety and depression. I obsess over every little thing, and I am constantly living in fear of everything. Everything has been up and down I have had problems in my relationship, then I start questioning everything I have done. I do not know anyone here except my boyfriend and his family. I am home sick, when I go back home to visit my family I miss here. The other day I found out he has been taking pills that are not prescribe to him making me worry even more. Everyone in my family tells me I deserve better, and sometimes I think I do. But when I think about leaving here and everything that I have built on my own I start freaking out. I am scared to be alone and start all over again. There are alot of issues that I have been struggling with with my boyfriend, he is very dependent on his mother, he is just starting to save money (he is 30). The prescription drugs also worry me. I just dont know whether or not this is right for me, do I have to high of expectations?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: laura2435
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 10:54am

Your feelings are valid & need no explanation. You know the score, Laura. A lie IS a lie. You can wait this out & see if your bf follows through. Is that what you want? As I see it, @ this point noone will be looking out for your best interests unless you do it yourself. You are the one who matters most here. Is this what you deserve?


Have you thought about going to Al-Anon meetings or those held for family members of drug addicts(Narcotics Anonymous)? Here would be a chance for you to learn how to cope better. Make some concrete decisions about how you want to spend your future. The ball is in your court. GL&GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
In reply to: laura2435
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 11:43am

Hey Everyone,

So this whole thing has now backfired on me. I am now the one being accused of not supporting my boyfriend, he has admitted he has a problem and is now going to the doctor next tuesday. I just dont feel 100% comfortable like I did before, and he does not understand that. He is using the excuse that the reason why he didnt tell me is because I have anxiety and I usually obsess over everything etc. He tells me he is now hurt, and I feel like this has all turned around on me. I am not the one with the problem, he is. His family is in denile they think he doesnt have a serious problem, he is addicted to vicodine. They compare me taking my medicine to help me, and he takes that medicine to help him i was like that is the stupidist thing I have ever heard. Do you know what the doctor will give him or suggest he does?

I am about to just say screw all this and move on with my life. I live here without any family or support, and my therpist suggests I need to move back home, I am scared to loose him, I care about him alot. I just dont know if this is right for me anymore, there have been too many red flags that have come up. I feel like I have every right to feel the way I feel just because I am not babying like his mom and sisters are doing, he is 30 years old and has had this problem before, and his family is telling me I need to support him not tell him I dont trust him. This is all crap.....help........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: laura2435
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 11:57am

I know first hand that everyone plays the denial, then the blame game when someone is addicted to drugs. For a long time, I kept telling myself that my dd was drinking like teens do & probably smoked a few joints. OMG! I only WISH that was true. Everyone around me said it would be ok. What did they mean, ok? It was NOT ok then & it's NOT ok, now. Now, I have been told that if I had kept *control* of her when she was younger. Family have suggested that I *spared the rod* too many times. This is a crock. She made bad choices.


I am fighting hard to keep MY head above water, Laura. That's what happens when the addict brings you down.


Of course taking prescribed meds for a diagnosed disorder is NOT the same as taking an unprescribed narcotic for recreational use. Don't buy into that story. You are in no way responsible for what your bf is doing, even though you might be tempted to think so. That is your own lack of self-esteem. That also is part of your anxiety.


Ultimately, you must do what's best for you. I would seriously consider what your *T* has suggested. There must be a reason for this suggestion. Can you talk it over more? Have you discussed how you feel with your own family? I wish you the best of luck. Sending PT's your way. (((hugs))) jan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
In reply to: laura2435
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:44pm

My therpist is saying they are all in denile, and I agree. Sometimes it is hard to stay strong and stand my ground because everyone around me is telling me I am overreacting, I cant help but not think about how this could effect me in the long run. He quit last summer on his own but he is back on them again, WHAT DOES THAT SAY? He could have gone to the doctors yesterday but he said he couldnt leave work and that he would go next week, again that tells me its not very important. He would always tell me money is tight with him, and I would end up paying, now all I can think is that his money was tight but yet he had money to do the things he wanted to do including taking those pills. He is always stressing how great of a guy he is, and how every other guy out there cheats, etc. He thinks if he was cheating then yes I would have every right to feel this way.

My family, wants to see me happy, and they know I am not. I just dont know if I can physically leave the home we have, and possibly never see him again. We started our relationship long distance and I know it wouldnt work if I went back home. I need my family here, I need someone to tell me I am not going crazy !

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: laura2435
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 2:30pm
No your expectations aren't too high.
You need to do what is in the long run the "best"...the "very best" for you.
Take some time and think about your wants and needs.
Have you talked to your b/f about his use of the non-prescribed medication.
Maybe if you did and let him know how worried you are it would help alleviate your understandable anxiety...you love and care for this person and are concerned...rightly so.
Can you talk to him?
Have you sought out "help" for yourself...talking to a doctor about your health concerns.
I think it might help you and reduce the level of stress you are experiencing.
Take care hon.
Hugs!
:)
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: laura2435
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 4:33pm

Laura, my advice is RUN from the situation. You sound like a smart person with a good head on your shoulders.

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
In reply to: laura2435
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 6:23am

I can sympathize to some degree. Pills can be very dangerous. It is ridiculous for him to compare your pill taking to his. You are responsible with your medicine, it is prescribed to you for medicinal purposes. He is being recreational. It is far different. My boyfriend smokes marijuana. I used to, so when I talk to him about it I think he feels like I am being hypocritical. He is a good dad, so when I speak to him about this he thinks I am telling him that is is some kind of terrible father. He's not.. I just wish we could get past this issue. He stopped buying marijuana but seems to be getting it for free from our old friends. I feel like it can only hold him back. I quit, he can too. But I'm stuck. I love him. ;)

It is unfortunate about prescription drugs because they can be lethal in certain combinations or amounts. You can't really force anyone to get help. But.. you can always ask him what's more important. Your relationship, or drug abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
In reply to: laura2435
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 2:40am

Hi! This is my initial visit to this website and I am so moved by the generosity of the host, Jan, and all the other respondents. I want to add my voice to Jan's that you are not setting your sights too high; and you must put yourself first. I am a youthful 60 year old who remarried five years ago after raising three wonderful sons who are now married and fathers themselves. I was single for nearly 24 years before remarrying. What I sense in your email, sweetheart, is that your heart is already giving you your answer. You are much stronger than you know; and please do not minimize what you are feeling.

I have struggled with anxiety/PTSD issues since the age of 8, have done lots of therapy and tried a multiplicity of modalities and am currently in a setback. I will get well; and I am so grateful I have found this message board. Even after all the years of effort, I ignored a few warning signals and find myself with someone who is totally unavailable in nearly every sense of the word; and he has no interest in being otherwise. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally I am barely hanging on right now. My husband is not a "bad" guy; but he is not right for me and I am working now to recreate my life by myself at 60. I will make it; but life needn't be so hard, and I could have avoided this anguish that I signed up for had I honored those quiet promptings. Our bodies always know if we will listen.

I am really struggling with anxiety right now; I am embarrassed and sometimes feel ashamed that I chose something so exquisitely difficult. What I choose to do now is look at the gifts -- the main one being that I am so committed to honoring my life, what is important to me, and to try to live consciously (which is very difficult when one is battling depression and anxiety) and listen to my spirit and body. Even though I am struggling right now, I know I will be fine in time. For now I am trying to work through things with some brain stating techniques. I have taken meds several times in my life and never like the way they make me feel. This process is not easy but I have great faith that it is all leading me to a better, stronger place than I have ever been. Please trust yourself and surround yourself with people who will support your highest good.

I'd love to hear from others as well. Thank you and blessings to all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
In reply to: laura2435
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 2:53am

Hi again, Laura:

One thing I know for sure is that I am the only one who can manage my thoughts. That being said, when one is constantly trying to talk oneself into something, and it feels miserable, it makes it so much more difficult to mangage your thoughts in a way that serves your life. Only you can choose, but sometimes we women get attached to "what we thought we had" versus what is really going on.

Hang in there, and listen to your heart!

Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: laura2435
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 11:59am

Thx, Christine for sharing your story & for the kind words. Please make yourself @ home. Bookmark us to your favorites & post anytime. Another country heard from is always a valuable asset to those in our community who need to know that they can & will learn to cope with anxiety disorders.


None of us are perfect. Everyone if they're being honest with themselves, has to admit that they have not always made the right choices. I wish you the best of luck in regaining your balance. Since you've done it before, you know it can be done again. I have had some crucial setbacks, lost my footing but picked myself up, dusted myself off & went on my merry way;) I am no better or smarter or stronger than others in our community. In fact, I am a work in progress. Learning something new every day in coping with panic, agoraphobia & OCD.


Join us in chats on Tues. & Thurs. evenings from 9 to 11pm EST. Watch for the posts on those days to catch the link. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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