Intro

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
Intro
7
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 10:10am
Hi I am new to the board...
So, here is some background...
I have always suffered from some weird psychological things. First, I can barely remember my childhood. I have blocked a lot out... which must be from something bad that happened... my grandfather had molested some people and he did babysit me and my sister... and my sister remembers running and hiding from him... does this mean something... when I was very young, I did experiment sexually with my sister and my uncle who was a few years older. Something just doesn't seem right there, huh, cause I was like 5. Also when I got older and started being intimate, I couldn't get into it, and I couldn't orgasm at all. So, I think I was abused sexually when I was younger...
I used to worry that I would choke on food when I was younger... I had an eating disorder because of it... My mom would have to feel my little tummy and say a couple more bites, you can fit more right here.
When I was 12 I had my first anxiety attack.. We didn't know what it was so I stayed out of school for a week until the doc told my mom to bring me to school and drop me off... no matter how much I cried and begged. The attacks went away from 2 years, then they came back. I went to therapy and got on meds... was diagnosed with anxiety, panic, and major depression. After this I didn't want to get out of bed anymore. I would wake up and the anxiety, panic, and depression was waiting. I wanted to die. I didn't have a normal childhood or teenage years cause I needed to be home a lot.
So I had anxiety, panic, and depression over the years. At certain times I got a break, but it has been pretty constant, sometimes worse than others.
I got married in 2001, and had a horrible marriage. I was with this guy to begin with cause he was the only one there for me.. Due to the problems I have, I am very dependent on others, for emotional help and for rides cause I can't drive due to the anxiety. My sister had just gotten married and my mom was going through her midlife crisis, so I was very much alone, except for the guy who called me every night and came to save me on weekends... so I moved in with him, 2 1/2 hrs from my family.
So I ended up marrying him, and he was very manipulative and mean. We went to college after 4 years of marriage and ended up living on the campus in seperate rooms cause they didn't have married couple housing. He hated it, I loved it. We had already lived apart for a summer cause we didn't have a place to stay for both of us and that is when I realized I loved being away from him. The marriage had been a lie from the beginning.
So when I got back to college, I joined the religious group on campus and began to finally have a life of my own.
He didn't like this, and in March of 2005 I told him I wanted a divorce.
So anyway, I had been friends with this other guy who worked at the college. I had told myself that I would never love again cause I thought everything was my fault, that I was a horrible person, because that is what I had been told for so long.
I ended up asking my friend to go to a dance with me and I let myself fall. So after this my anxiety and stuff was gone for a while. It had been horrible previously. I had had to take a xanax every morning and night for a while.
So anyway, after a while of course the anxiety came back. It was in full force one winter. I have a breathing obsession sometimes where I pay attention to my breathing and I hyeperventilate and think I am not breathing and stuff. So one night I was sitting in bed and whenever I would fall asleep, I would wake myself up thinking I couldn't breathe. I was up all night long in a horrible panic. I woke up and I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety... I couldn't eat cause I thought I would throw up. My fiance ended up bringing me to the docs. Of course everything was okay physically.
So anyway, I have been having occasional anxiety, mostly because of where I live. I live with my fiance's parents and they are horrible. It is like I am living with my ex-husband cause of the manipulation and put downs. So we are moving in 2 weeks.
So now for why I am having depression:
Well I just graduated from college and I cannot find a job. I have been looking everywhere and I feel like a real failure. Also I am scared that I am wrong about being able to afford an apt. But it was just getting too difficult for me to live in the situation I was living in. It was bad.
So I am dealing now with panic, anxiety and depression. The depression being the leader right now.
pregnancy due date
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: kricky422
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 12:42pm

thwelcome.gif

 

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
In reply to: kricky422
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:07pm

Thank you for you words of encouragement. Yeah I agree that the abuse is something I need to find help for. It took me a long time to even be able to talk about it. It was something that was kept locked up for a long time. I finally started to talk about it. It was not easy. But I kept telling myself that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't disgusting. That it was something that was done to me. Anyway, thanks.

Krista

pregnancy due date
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
In reply to: kricky422
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:43pm
Out of the anxiety , panic , and depression I personally find the depression the hardest one to deal with. I can relate to alot of your past and I'm sorry you had to go through this. I also believe getting it out into the open can help you learn to not only heal but realize you are definatly not to blame. Sometimes that's the hardest part for us to except. Take baby steps and definatly talk with a professional that you feel comfortable with and get these issues out into the open. Good Luck in your quest
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: kricky422
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:14pm

Hi Krista, I'm glad you have found us!

Sheri Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
In reply to: kricky422
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 7:57am
My fiance and I are great. It is a very good relationship. That is the one thing going good right now. That is how it has been for a while.
I got my degree in psychology actually. I really do not know if I really want to go on to do more schooling with it so there is really nothing I can do in psych without the higher degree. I can't get into social work cause I don't drive, so I am kinda stuck. I hwas an English major but my anxiety took control of me and I got out of that majr and stuck with psych. So right now I am just looking mainly for a desk job with limited phone work. There are fears I have about working. I don't like to answer phones and I hate working with money. I have done both, but if I have a choice I won't. What I really want to do is to do data entry or any job where I just sit at a computer and punch words/numbers into a computer all day. I don't mind if I need to use my brain, I just want to be working alone and on a computer. That is the job I would rather have.
pregnancy due date
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
In reply to: kricky422
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 12:27am
Hi Krista and WELCOME!!!
My childhood is bits and pieces--- I know how you feel!
I have had anxiety since I was young also!
Your life has been very difficult and I am so GLAD
that you are with someone who is good to you!!
AVOID negative people when you can- moving is just the
right thing to do!! You are a very brave and strong person
to have coped so well with all you have gone through!!
I hope that you see a therapist??? As far as jobs it sounds
like you need something to bring in some money but avoiding
people------ good idea for now LOL!! Where there is a WILL THERE
IS A WAY!!! and I am sure you will find a job! KEEP trying like
you have been! Take care and keep us posted on your progress!!
Welcome to this wonderful place - so many wonderful and caring people
here!! HUGS! Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: kricky422
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 8:20am

Yes, one of my favorite jobs was doing data entry.

Sheri Ann