Introduction, my story sorry pretty long

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Introduction, my story sorry pretty long
12
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 10:16pm

Hi everyone. I am a 29 year old married mom of 2. I am also in the process of quiting smoking to go along with my new healthy outlook ;) And this post may be lengthy. I apologize in advance!

I will start by explaining my past a bit. When I was 17 I had my first panic attack. At 19 I had my first case of panic attack that put me in the hosptial testing my heart. I had a beat that was 160-180 beats a minute for basically no reason. I have never used any kind of drugs or anything that would do that. Over the years I have gone through these cycles of what most of us would call hell. I would beging to get the attacks. Think I was dying. I would think I had some major life threatening illness and have to go to the hospital just to be sent home with a happy little pill plus a prescription. Normally I would then be put on a regiment of drugs that would subdue the attacks for months or possibly a year until I was weened off to try it all on my own again. I could normally get about a year to 2 years before starting the cycle over again. During my attacks I have suffered from complete insomnia for WEEKS, agoraphobia (I couldn't step in my car without having an anxiety attack and at a few points couldn't open my front door for months) plus severe social anxiety. I have been told all of this could be a form of PTSD from events that happened in my youth and teeneage years. Very tragic and terrifying things.

Now to the present. This past winter I had my worst batch of panic attacks yet. I am 29 and married for the second time and a mom. I thought I had it all together at this point. I was working a job about an hour from my house. I went into such severe attacks and spent many days at my doctor. I had her convinced I was nuts. I thought I was having heart attacks and I thought I had a lump in my breast. I went in with so many ailments LOL. SHe again did another EKG, another of many through my life, And the whole time I was driving to work and back with the panic attacks. Now this time things were different. I HAD to work. I had kids to support. My husband works a seasonal job so in the winter it is very important I work. I had to go. I had no excuse. I could not let my little ones down. That is what got me through. I had a panic attack the whole time all the way driving back and forth, I would have to stop and take a xanax and wait for it to be over. I had such severe heart palpitations and skipped beats when I drove, it was awful. Many times I seriously thought of running my car into a tree. Not that I have ever been suicidal. Far from it infact. But just to create a situation in my body to take away the panic feeling. LOL I thought shock might be better. I was finally able to see a councelor and I was put on and Buspar in addition to the xanax. Which seemed to do nothing but turn me into somewhat of a vegitable and I was prone to outbursts of anger and sadness after I started taking the buspar. I knew it wasn't the xanax I have taken that several times in the past. I was also still having the attacks. I went to see an actual phychiatrist and he more than tripled my dose of buspar. When I read the website he prescribed me much more than the recommended dose. But I figured he was the doc and I would take it if it would help. Almost immediatly a day after the upped dose I got a severe pain from my left shoulder all the way down my left sife into my toes in my left foot. And this time I was not imagining it. It basically left my left side unable to move. It was scary. I took the buspar for about a week through this, no one (doctors) was thinking it could be the buspar and I finally called the local mental health hospital and talked to an RN there that worked in my psychiatrists office and she was an AMAZING person to talk to. I told her my issues. I was crying and sobbing to her about the attacks and the pain and my hatred of the drugs at that point and I told her I wanted to quit taking them against my doctors advice and needed to know if it was ok. She told me I had the right to do that and that she knew my doctor really normally didn't promote such high doses or any drugs at all and he must have thought I had a severe issue. And she finally asked me a series of questions no one ever had before. She asked how long I had been having the attacks (12 years) and if I had ever died from them. LOL apparently not I am here. And she did make me laugh. And it clicked in my head finally that it really was all in my head and that there was nothing wrong with me. I went off the buspar and the pain went away after a few days. I quite taking the xanax and spent a very tough few weeks learning breathing and relaxation techniques from my also wonderful councelor. Then I decided I loved to dance all of a sudden. (yeah it was dancing with the stars fault). So I got dancing intruction vidoes, and yoga and some like the yoga booty ballet(really fun). So far I have been doing better than I ever had. My doctor also pointed out if aI am able to do these dances and aerobic videos then I am fine physically :) Another point I never thought of before. I have my mind set that I will not have panic attacks and if I feel one coming on I pop in a video or I start a breathing exersizes. Plus I do not have the residual affects of the meds like sleepyness, grogginess or the fuzz part of my life as I used to call it.

I decided to come in here and tell my long tale for a couple of reasons. One I consider myself having only been in my "panic remission" for a few months. I want to stay connected with others for the ongoing support but also to lend support to others. I feel I have gone the long miles with this illness and survived and there must be something to say about that. Also for me I feel the drugs were not actually the answer. I honestly think they just prolonged the sickness by dulling it for awhile. I was able to get better when I wanted to and really changed my way of thinking. I don't say all this becaues I am anti medication. I think they suit thier purpose in different situations and for different people. I offer up my own experience in case anyone can relate and may want to chat or need support with the things I have experienced :)

Thanks so much for listening. And if anyone ever wants to chat let me know!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:04pm
I'm happy for you. I wish I could do the same! I would love to talk more--maybe get some pointers on how to kick this thing's butt! Please email me at lynnmari@ptd.net if you're up for a challenge of helping. Thank you.
Lynn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:31am
hi trissyj i read your story and was move.somethings are familiar to me i am suffering with panic attack and anxiety. you say you are willing to talk and help i welcome your advice and help this is new for me its been 4-5 months. thank you msjones2007

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