I just can't do it all....
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 05-25-2010 - 11:40pm|
Hello all! It's been nearly a year since I posted anything to this site. Things have been up and down ~ I'd love to report that all is good and the last year was spent fixing me and all my problems. Unfortunately, that is never the case. We all truck along just fine at times, then stumble and need a little lift. So here I am. I hope I manage to keep this from being a rant but if I can't, please hang in there.
Shortly after my last post (6/2009) I ended up in the hospital mental health unit. I didn't try to kill myself or anyone else, which as it turns out, that's what most of the others there had done. I didn't get arrested or assault anyone ~ I just simply couldn't quit crying. No matter what I did, who I talked to or how hard I tried, the tears just poured. SO my mom said enough is enough (bless her heart) and took me to the emergency room. They evaluated me and determined that inpatient care was what was best for me. So off I went, five days with intensive counseling, medication adjustments and group therapy. It was the best five days I had lived in two years. I felt safe, like they understood and cared, and genuinely wanted me to get better. And then I came home, to all the same things that I left behind, dirty house, arguing kids, frustrated husband, job that I hate etc... And it occurred to me that I didn't need the mental health unit, I needed the break. Silence, sweet silence. Five days of nothing but me, I'm what mattered, I could focus on completing a thought, work through an issue uninterrupted by life, able to come to conclusions and format a game plan. Has anyone ever heard of the "balance wheel"? We used this in one of our group therapy sessions. What you do is draw a 24 hour clock, things fall into five categories: Leisure, Individual Care, Free/unproductive Time, Efforts in work-activities, & sleep. You assign a color to each of the ffive things and then start blocking out your day. You must be honest in how you spend your time but when you get done, it is hugely enlightening. Most my time was spent either unproductively or work efforts. I vowed that I would balance that wheel and I am here to say that I have failed as it sits right now.
And as I ask myself why, why have I failed to take all the things that I learned and apply them to my life, succeed in what I vowed to do as I walked out that door with a renewed insight of myself. Why did I not apply all the theories and thoughts, insights and epiphanies? Because although I was ready to change and embrace these new theories, absolutely nothing around me was or is ready to change as well. And now I realize that the balance wheel is not so much how my time is spent but where, with whom, doing what, for who are you doing it and what is your purpose? I think I shall sit with that wheel again, ponder it anew and see where I find myself. What and who we surround ourselves with often (whether we like it or not) defines who we are, how we feel, how we act and how we react. Some of these things can be changed, some can be looked at in a different way but most of them just are what they are. I also learned an interesting perspective on one thing and I find myself thinking about it often. They were talking about grief, not just in the sense of a loved one dying but that grief is in a lot of things. We grieve for things we used to have or do, we grieve for jobs that have changed, kids that are growing, relationships that are not what they used to be, etc. And grief is often associated with the fact that most things are out of our control. They asked us to think about this saying: fear is the opposite of control and control is merely an illusion.
It's good to be back ladies I have really missed your support.