Bad night

Avatar for booplady44
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Registered: 11-10-2003
Bad night
14
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 8:06am
When I got home last night the neurologosts office had called and left a message for me to call them back. Of course it was to late to call so had to wait until this morning. I'm sure its about the tests I have to have but of course I panicked! I had anxiety dreams all night andkept waking up with panic. Dh gets so angry with me when, as he says, I don't think logically!! I got up upset and crying now hes upset with me and gave me a big lecture. I can't get him to understand that only makes things worse. Now I feel panicky and beat up emotionally. Last night my dd sat here and complained about how rough it is on her since I had to stop baby sitting. I"m a mess this morning with fear and guilt. Just needed to unload.

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: booplady44
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 3:00pm
I am so sorry): That would be a trigger for me to get a late night call. I hope it turns out ok & you have a better day.
As for your dd, what a guilt trip she has put you on! That isn't fair! You are not only having anxiety troubles, but you have potentially life-threatening physical problems. What is she thinking? You need to keep yourself safe, Gracie. This is the time you are entitled to make yourself number one w/out any feelings of guilt @ all!
I'm glad you can vent here. I have family that doesn't understand, so this board is a lifesaver for me!
Sending P&PT's your way. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

gem21uk

 

 


 



Avatar for booplady44
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
In reply to: booplady44
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 9:11pm

I called the drs office and of course it was about the tests. I am sheduled to do all the tests the 14Th. I was happy that they are all on the same day and that the first one is at 8 Am so there will be less time to fret before the tests start. Will be so glad to have it over with!!

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-1998
In reply to: booplady44
Sat, 06-05-2010 - 9:35am

Hey Boop, you sound pretty good this morning. I hope you are feeling well. I will continue to think P&PT for your next round of tests, and the time leading up to it.

I laughed and was triggered a little by your line "I just need to get a grip!!!!" I thought some of waking DH and yelling at him for a few... I've heard that too, and it sure doesn't help me. My DH is mostly the only person IRL who knows about my anxiety, because I figure if he has problems understanding it, there is little hope for outside people. DD is too young to really get what is going on. My mother is the type of person who can be outright verbally abusive about this sort of thing- she would say I'm trying to get attention, or making excuses for not doing things, or trying to be dramatic, that if I worked harder I wouldn't have time for anxiety...

One of the things that has irritated me the most over the past year (as I've learned to begin to heal) is that I spent 25 years thinking, "if only I were mentally stronger... then I wouldn't be this way." What I've learned is that it isn't about mental strength at all (again, my mother telling me I'm just not strong enough to handle normal life events- which she's done since I was a child), instead I discovered my nervous system was on hyperdrive for 25 years and now I need to learn to desensitize it (that's that floating and accepting thing). Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that family members, well meaning or not, were so busy pointing out how mentally weak I was, when I wasn't, and nobody could understand it as a physiological problem- a malfunction and acquired sensitivity of the physical nervous system!

I feel like I really relate to you in regard to other people taking you for granted or taking advantage of you. I wonder if that is a trend among those of us who are anxiety prone? We give and give, take care of everyone around us, are made to feel like it's never enough, but also don't get the same sorts of care granted to us in return, KWIM? That is a trend in my life and one of the reasons I don't cultivate many close friendships. In the past my friends have had a tendency to use me in some way- quite often the trend has been that they use me as a place to dump their frustrations; not a friend to vent to, but someone to subtly insult as a way of making them feel better about their own circumstances.

As I'm healing I am learning to set better boundaries- it sounds like you are too. You have to draw a line somewhere and find the boundary between what you can do for others, and what you need to do for yourself. This is probably especially tough for family members who have a long history with us and expectations long in place. It either freaks them out, or they don't take our changes seriously at all- I know my DH has had moments where he's just blown off a new found strength (boundary) of mine as me just trying to be difficult in the moment. It's frustrating that he can't understand that this is a very real change I'm undertaking and his reactions at time are demeaning. But it's not about him, it's about me, so no matter what type of little snot he acts like, I have to stick to my guns and be that new person.

Now I'm rambling away, but curious if you and others relate to those same feelings.

Hang in there!!!!

Avatar for booplady44
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Registered: 11-10-2003
In reply to: booplady44
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:50am

But it's not about him, it's about me, so no matter what type of little snot he acts like, I have to stick to my guns and be that new person


Those words said it all for me. I'm working hard on changing and healing and cannot allow wrong words from someone who is suppose to be my help mate set

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
In reply to: booplady44
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 9:42pm

I'm so sorry to hear your husband is being such a butt head. Again, you can tell him I said so. I'm glad to hear that you had that talk with your daughter. It really angers me to hear that your family is behaving so selfishly and with such insensitivity. I am constantly disappointed by the capacity of family members to fail at being sources of strength and comfort for anxiety sufferers. I wonder if either your daughter or husband has taken the time to learn about anxiety disorders. When I first started having problems with anxiety and dh was acting like it wasn't a big deal, I told him that until he took the time to research the illness and learn about what I go through he didn't have a say in how it affected our lives or how I chose to deal with it. I just got so mad at his insensitivity that I lost my cool and really laid into him. Part of that was telling him that if he couldn't be supportive then he needed to be silent.

Something else I wanted to say here. The guilt trip thing is so frustrating, but it only works on us because we hold onto the idea of "should". We internalize the guilt other lay on us because in some capacity we think they're right, because we "should" be able to do what they want/need/demand. The thing is, "should" is an illusion. It doesn't exist. There is no "should". There's only choice and reality. So for your daughter to imply that you "should" be available to babysit for her is a false assumption. The reality is that she "wants" you to do this for her and you are "choosing" to make yourself a priority right now. There's no guilt in choosing to care for ourselves when we need to. Your husband thinks that you "should" be able to control your racing thought and anxiety. The reality is that you have a chemical imbalance that causes normal fear and anxiety to escalate to a level that causes racing and sometimes irrational thoughts. You've done nothing wrong. In fact, you are doing what you can to manage it and overcome it. And you deserve an incredible amount of credit for that. Mannie is right that you are fighting a battle right now, one that your family is "choosing" to ignore.

I hope your evening is going better than your night did. Remember that we are here for you! Lots of prayers for you.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-1998
In reply to: booplady44
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 11:34am

I had a few more thoughts for you today, Boop :^) Hope you are hanging in there okay and can suffer through a little more of my rambling.

You know, it's kind of funny that I said "it's about me" because while that's true in a sense, one of the biggest steps in healing I've made in the last year was realizing/accepting that "it's not about me..." --that is in regard to the way other people treat us.

I can only control my actions and reactions and I had to realize that other things that happened, outside my control, were not my responsibility. This means that when my mother says hurtful things about me- it's not really about me; whatever is causing her to behave like that is not my fault or responsibility. If DH gets touchy with me because he doesn't like the way things are operating at the moment, as long as I'm being respectful of him that's not about me either; that's his issue that he needs to come to terms with. Does that make any sense? We can only do as much as we can do.

The same thing is true about impersonal forces. If I get a speeding ticket, that's nothing personal and not about me- it would have happened to anybody in that place and time who was driving too fast.

Last year I was watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab and Dr. Drew was addressing that when someone gets sober (or recovers) it is a major change to the dynamics of a household and often other family members and friends react negatively. The problem is that the person recovering no longer fits into the mold that the others expect and have grown comfortable with. In some ways it brings out more of their own shortcomings as the person who has been the weakest link is no longer the weakest link. I have personally known alcoholics whose spouses have encouraged them to drink after they've attempted to quit- the codependent spouse likes the status quo because it is predictable and easier to control. I tend to think that anxiety is in a way a little like that- our spouses and children don't know who we will become (and what will ultimately happen to them) if we heal and become different people (perhaps it causes them anxiety?). It seems to elude them that it might be better. They talk the good talk, but inside they want the predictable status quo.

Have you ever read any of John Bradshaw's work? He has a lot of stuff about family dynamics that is interesting. Though I've not found it directly helpful in dealing with anxiety, it gives some insight into dysfunctional family group interactions, which has helped me put some things in perspective. He explains how people get pigeonholed into roles within the family, and how you tend to unconsciously maintain those roles throughout your life. I personally am a family garbage can. If anyone ever had any bad feelings that were weighing them down, they shame-dumped on me and felt better about themselves. As a child I was the messed up kid in an otherwise picture perfect family. Outsiders would say, "How do they have a kid who's so messed up?" But what outsiders missed is that the family all played their roles and I was the receptacle for all bad feelings within the family. My siblings were given the moon and the stars while, behind closed doors, I was denied even basic necessities. It is only within the last few years that I realized I had spent my life brainwashed in to believing I was actually an equal with the rest of the people in my family of origin. Sad as that sounds, I am coming to peace with it all- acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. It was not my fault or responsibility that I was put in that situation (it wasn't about me causing it in some way- it was wrong place, wrong time, wrong people) but it is what it is, and I have to accept and integrate it as part of who I am. That was then, this is now.

Change is very hard on our own, and even harder when we have to take others into consideration- whether they truly love us or they use us for their own psychological ends.

(((HUGS))) to you today. I hope the weather where you are is as beautiful as where I am.

Avatar for booplady44
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
In reply to: booplady44
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 1:02pm

Hi Jess, So glad your back. How did your trip go? Hope it was great!


Sadly the dd who is putting all the guilt on me has anxiety/panic problems herself. I have 4 dd's and one ds. My oldest is the only one with AP&P problems. You would think she would know better. I have

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

Avatar for booplady44
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
In reply to: booplady44
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 1:27pm

The weather here is beautiful today!! Cooler then it has been but sunny, just the way I like it!!


By the way I love your "rambling"! We seem to have a lot in common I really appreciate your input. I have always been the one in my family dumped on also. I have six siblings, none of them are my whole sibling all steps and halves, with me being the oldest.

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to: booplady44
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 10:12am
I am so sorry you aren't getting more support from your family...my ds has an anxiety/panic disorder and about the ONLY support he has is his sister my dd, and myself, don't really think/know if others really/truly "get it"...some are starting to FINALLY...but it has taken a very long time.
A phone call like that where you have to wait is unsettling...my ds and I got two letters and we thought it was to do with disability, it turns out it is more bs from my ex-husband his dad...:(
My ds worries and some people just do not get that it is very REAL to him...it may be insignificant to them but it is significant to him...
My ds never wished for or wanted this and he knows I am probably one of the few people in his Life that do understand.
I don't push him, that helps him a lot...he hates feeling backed into a corner.
For a long time it was difficult for him to be ALONE at all...slowly it has become easier...
He doesn't not go out...in the last couple of months he has gone out and actually got on the bus...that is big, a major step for him...it's hard and very difficult for him to do but I am proud of him but more importantly I believe he is proud of himself to...that took courage...:)
My ds wrote my dad his grandpa explaining about the GAD, the SAD and that is huge step for him to tell.
He dis tell his dad but he wasn't too sure if his dad really understood.
His dad is a bit of an (fill in the blank)...if you kwim?
His dad acted a bit like your dh toward him and it's very uncomfortable for ds to be around his dad.
Not too much much-needed/wanted support there at all unfortunately.
It's my ex's loss our ds is a wonderful young man, smart, funny, caring...I could go on and on...lol...can you tell I am a little biased.
I love my ds and wish we had more support...he had more support.
I have been trying to educate and advocate but sometimes it's like hitting your head against a brick wall.
It's so absolutely frustrating at times.
I hope your dh and your dd come around and give you the support you need/want.
~hugs~
Lorie
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: booplady44
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 7:29pm

You said, "The problem is that the person recovering no longer fits into the mold that the others expect and have grown comfortable with."

I have first hand experience w/my dd who's in recovery. I was taught in Al-Anon, that she wouldn't like *my* new way of thinking. Actually, my thinking hasn't changed that much @ all. She never heeded my rules. Never held to the boundaries. In fact, she was gone from the house because of a PFA. Suddenly, upon her return, she has no options & I have become the meanest mom in the world. She gets it when I say NO. She doesn't like it though. Hmm... She doesn't like her rules for probation or what her PO instructs her to do, either.
Always appreciate your insights, Fish. (((hugs))) jan


gem21uk

 

 


 



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