Desperate, need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
Desperate, need help!
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 1:55am

I am writing on here because I am looking for help and I am in desperate need of it. For the last few months or for the last year things have got really bad or worse for me. I have been diagnosed with both obsessive compulsive disorder and borderline personality disorder. The first thing that is bothering me lately I have been reading up on borderline and how it causes identity problems and how it can cause people to struggle with their sexual orientation along with much more. Now I am freaking out that I'm homosexual and this is not the first time that this has happened to me it has happened to me numerous times and I have always been attracted to men, I tend to look to women for tips on how to improve myself but I have never been attracted to them, I'm just wondering what's going on. I have had this problem before :( and I have always thought guys were good looking and attractive since I been younger. On the other hand I heard ocd causes the fear of being gay so I dont know what's going on. :( I'm desperate for answers. The other thing that is bothering me is the fact that I'm losing sight on what means the most to me like my weight, m ycar, my job and my personal relationships. Suddently I'm starting to not care about it all and i want all that stuff back that means most to me as well as knowing that I am straight. I dont know what's going on with me. There's more i'm gaining weight, my apperance is not the best, i'm losing hours at my job, and I feel like i'm not doing good in my life. is there anyway someone can help me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 11:45am

It sounds like there is a lot of confusion going on, have you mentioned this to your therapist?

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:34pm

Who dx'd you? Are you seeing a therapist? Has anyone talked to you about CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)? Are you on medication?

BPD is tricky. I don't think this disorder is hardly understood by professionals. I believe they're actually moving it out of the personality disorder & into a mental illness (which I think is better as I think MI gets more medical attention than personality).

I think what you've described is you're focusing on a fear. Not to say your homophobic, but fear of not knowing who you are. Okay, so BPD is closely related to Bipolar as well. Bothy my H & little sister went into a major episode around the same time behaving much like each other. Though one was dx'd bipolar & the other was too, but docs later leaned toward borderline until she stopped therapy. I could be totally wrong, but I don't think it is struggling if you're homosexual or not, but such a sexual overdrive that finickiness becomes foggy. Lines divide during episodes. Then this can lead to confusion.

If you've always been attracted to men, I bet you have little to worry about in the actual physical sense.

I think trying to learn who you are is the larger struggle.

... now you say you don't care about materialistic things. Is it because they don't interest you b/c you do not have the energy to care, or is it because they've lost their importance? I'm losing more & more interest all the time in materials, but it's because I'm seeing happiness on the flip side of materialism.... but if it's because you're too tired to care, then it sounds perhaps you're falling into a depression & it should be very important you tell your doc about this.

I hope you can find the right type of help you need. As far as I understand CBT has some good results.

It is good you're reaching out. It shows you have the courage to do what it takes to help yourself.


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 3:52pm
Hi & welcome! Since you have a diagnosis, then you must have seen a health care professional @ some point. In my experience, the best route to take is the one suggested by the professionals. Both disorders you mentioned can be managed best through a combination of meds & therapy.
My dd is borderline & she is similiar to you, in that she has a difficult time setting priorities. Life becomes too demanding & overwhelming for her to see the forest for the trees. This is something a therapist can guide you through. Ultimately, how you live your life will be your decision. There will be times as you've described that w/anxiety & fears, we need to reach out & allow someone else to *break things down* for us. It's ok. It's difficult to ask for help. But, if you were a diabetic, you would seek help. You are no different. You are a fine person in your own right, in spite of your illness. You are ok. W/good management, you will be able to face life's challenges & take the small step approach to breaking things down.
Please keep in touch. We care & will be happy to support you through this trying time. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan