Anxiety WAY out of proportion to situ...
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|Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:18am|
I'm a new poster. Please don't be too harsh with me if you can help it. I'm fully aware that my current anxiety is obscenely out of proportion to the situation. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way, but my reaction is so visceral and intense that I haven't figured out a way to control it.
The only thing that "happened" last night is that my Grade 8 daughter didn't win the language arts award at the graduation ceremony. She had a 95 average in all strands of language arts, everyone thought she would win, and even her teacher (rather unprofessionally) had hinted that she would probably win. A boy in the same class as her (one of four Grade 8 classes) ended up winning instead. Big deal, right?
For some bizarre reason, I experienced the whole thing as a public humiliation. (The auditorium was full of parents who had known my daughter for years.) Images of all these other kids walking up to the stage for their awards keep rolling in my head. I also start to catastrophize, worrying that my daughter will lose her passion for writing, become ordinary, struggle in life, have a mental breakdown, etc.
I have an elephant on my chest and my whole body is wound up with tension. The emotional pain is unrelenting. I think I'll have to start meds again today, after a 9-month hiatus. I know from experience that when my anxiety gets this bad, all the self-talk in the world doesn't make a dent in it.
I HATE being this way. I'm enormously grateful for my wonderful daughter (and son). Even though I never lose sight of how lucky I am, I still go through this physically and emotionally draining anxiety whenever things don't go their way -- especially things that mean a lot to them.
Overinvested in my kids? Guilty as charged. But it's not like I don't have a life of my own: I'm a successful freelance writer, I love my work, and I'm constantly seeking new challenges.
Right now I would really welcome some support from people who may understand the irrationality and intensity of the whole thing. Thanks in advance.