New here and am in need of advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
New here and am in need of advice.
2
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 1:51pm

To start off, I am about to turn 28 years old. I have been divorced for almost a year and there were several big reasons that led to my divorce. One, my ex husband was mad because I got a job and would no longer be at home all day to tend to his every need. And two, well, he left me for my cousin. Which I found out that they had been secretly talking and seeing each other since before he and I were even married.

Anyway, why i'm here is my current boyfriend feels that I might have anxiety and I honestly have no idea what that is or what it even means for me. The reason he believes I might have anxiety is that since my ex husband left me I have developed this overwhelming fear that my current, or any other boyfriend I might have, might do the same. I try to fight these feelings, but it doesn't work. He feels that I have begun to smother him, without me knowing i'm doing it or why. Plus he told me that he feels that he has to tell me wherever he is going all the time, and that if he doesn't, it makes me upset. Which that's honestly not true, because I know he has his own life and I don't have to have him around 24/7.

Then comes his family. Recently, we had been living in Oklahoma and then decided to move to Oregon where he was originally from. I was happy about it because it was going to give me a chance to get to know his family. However, since we've been here, he's been going off with his sister just to talk or hang out while I have to stay at the house by myself. Then, when we're supposed to be spending time together, he always gets up just to go see what everyone else is doing and leaving me by myself. I feel that this, and on top of everything else with dealing with my ex husband, has maybe caused me to become depressed. I am going to go see a doctor this week. I guess i'm just looking for advice really. I have never dealt with anything like this before and I don't know what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 2:02pm

It sounds like you may suffer some anxiety & hopefully if depression, simply situational. On another board our CL listed an article which stated some people can do as well with 7 therapy sessions as they would on medication. So if it's situational, hopefully you'll be much better in a couple of months.

Now as an anxiety sufferer I can tell you right now to "fight these feelings" is actually going to make anxieties worse. I know, counter-intuitive. Instead what may work better is to accept these feelings and fears. In a way, admitting what has happened & accepting what has happened. I think what it might come down to is you have not accepted your ex & cousin, maybe you're still in denial even though you've completed a divorce & your life has changed.

Anxiety is often caused by trying to 'control' a situation. I have found listening to podcasts from zencast.org has really helped me to learn to let go of trying to relive the past & fear/control the future and instead enjoy today better.

Now why your current boyfriend is not bringing you along w/his family I can see how that could be hard. Maybe this is where he feels he's being 'smothered' b/c you feel the time he should be spending w/you he's actually spending with his family.

Hopefully as time goes on & they're not so fresh to the area he'll settle down and not need to see them as much as he has been.

How would you feel about inviting just his sister somewhere? Maybe something like a shopping mall trip? Get to know her separate from your BF?

If your bf shows some resistance to the above idea, then perhaps you need to sit down & discuss how you feel you're being alienated.

Any fear that is constantly with you could probably be seen as anxiety, which probably most humans have some level of anxiety. But if you see any part that 'could' potentially disrupt life, then it's a good idea to learn how to accept/deal with this fear before it becomes too large.

I wish you the best of luck.

(P.S. I'm in OR too, love it here!)




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 5:06pm
Hi & welcome! I'm sorry to hear that you're having some discomfort in your new relationship. Whether this is a true anxiety disorder or an issue that has arisen after your divorce must be determined by a professional. It isn't unheard of to be plagued w/fears or anxious thoughts after a traumatic experience. In time, you may move forward w/out seeking professional help by rebuilding your trust & regaining your confidence. Whatever happens, you are on the right track by seeing the dr. From there, you can follow the treatment deemed best. If therapy is advised, don't be afraid or ashamed. You would seek help if you were a diabetic. Anxiety disorders are real & as legitimate as diabetes or any other medical condition.
Please keep in touch. We care about you & want you to live the good life you deserve. You are NOT alone! GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

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