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|Mon, 07-12-2010 - 12:48am|
Things have been a little weird here. I keep going back and forth between anxiety and no anxiety. We had to go to a funeral a couple of weeks ago and that really set me back. I don't do well with death. But I bounced back from that alright. Then I started in with some health issues again. I'm just waiting now for ultra sound results. Doing alright with it, but my symptoms have been worse, so I'm a little worried. Not reaching full on panic over it, but just kinda on edge.
I've been in a weird mood lately. I think part of it has been the insomnia that I just haven't been able to shake. I HATE insomnia, and I know it's a symptom of increased anxiety for me. I slept a bit better last night and have high hopes for tonight, but I never know quite how it's gonna go until I crawl into bed. I've thought of posting here a dozen or more times in the past few weeks, but I'm preoccupied with the idea that my posts might trigger panic for someone else, which I would hate to do. I guess I just really felt that way about the death issue. The funeral. And it seems like we've got a lot of that in our family right now between the recent death, the dying grandfather and the acute liver failure of an uncle. Maybe it's because death is such a big trigger for me that I'm afraid that it'll trigger someone else.
It doesn't help that I had a birthday last week. Turning 30 was hard for me, but I didn't expect to relive that trauma for every birthday after that. It's not so much about getting older. Well, maybe a little. I don't like my new wrinkles. But it's more about the sense that there's only so much life to live and my worry that I'm not living as fully or as well as I could. It sounds kinda dorky when I say it like that, but it's hard to describe that feeling. Kind of like a panic that life is slipping by while I pick my toes and clean out my fridge. Does that make any sense?
See, what I mean about weird moods? I'm all over the place. Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing alright. I've been thinking about you guys. I've just been a little introverted lately.