Just Checking In

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Just Checking In
6
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 12:48am


Things have been a little weird here. I keep going back and forth between anxiety and no anxiety. We had to go to a funeral a couple of weeks ago and that really set me back. I don't do well with death. But I bounced back from that alright. Then I started in with some health issues again. I'm just waiting now for ultra sound results. Doing alright with it, but my symptoms have been worse, so I'm a little worried. Not reaching full on panic over it, but just kinda on edge.

I've been in a weird mood lately. I think part of it has been the insomnia that I just haven't been able to shake. I HATE insomnia, and I know it's a symptom of increased anxiety for me. I slept a bit better last night and have high hopes for tonight, but I never know quite how it's gonna go until I crawl into bed. I've thought of posting here a dozen or more times in the past few weeks, but I'm preoccupied with the idea that my posts might trigger panic for someone else, which I would hate to do. I guess I just really felt that way about the death issue. The funeral. And it seems like we've got a lot of that in our family right now between the recent death, the dying grandfather and the acute liver failure of an uncle. Maybe it's because death is such a big trigger for me that I'm afraid that it'll trigger someone else.

It doesn't help that I had a birthday last week. Turning 30 was hard for me, but I didn't expect to relive that trauma for every birthday after that. It's not so much about getting older. Well, maybe a little. I don't like my new wrinkles. But it's more about the sense that there's only so much life to live and my worry that I'm not living as fully or as well as I could. It sounds kinda dorky when I say it like that, but it's hard to describe that feeling. Kind of like a panic that life is slipping by while I pick my toes and clean out my fridge. Does that make any sense?

See, what I mean about weird moods? I'm all over the place. Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing alright. I've been thinking about you guys. I've just been a little introverted lately.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 12:34pm
(((Jess))) Nice to see you! I kind of understand where you're coming from. It can become overwhelming when I think about how many days I wasted by putting too much energy into my fears & anxiety. It helps me to look @ the entire picture. TBH, I have had many more good days than bad. That perspective keeps me looking ahead, instead of behind.
My anxiety has been off the charts recently. I had a short respite when there were some changes here @ home, but things are quickly ramping up again): I have to put myself to bed @ 10pm EVERY night & make some dietary changes. It seems I'm internalizing stuff & my innards are paying the price. I cut waaay back on the caffeine & paid the price w/an awful headache which was a brain tumor, as usual. LOL The dog is enjoying frequent long walks. Even in the middle of the night when the racing thoughts prevent me from staying asleep. Weird is a good way to describe it. I try to keep my thoughts in the present. Live each day to its fullest. Summer will come to an end & I will have nothing positive to remember it by.
I hope you're feeling better soon. Keep in touch! GL & GBU! jan
 

 


 



Avatar for booplady44
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 9:37pm

Hi guys,

BOOP


Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 1:58am

Your words are always a comfort to me, Jan. I truly appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear that your anxiety is acting up again. I think I need to follow your lead and regulate myself a bit more. I've been thinking that I need to get back into my anxiety routine of early to bed and early to rise with balanced meals and daily exercise. It really does help so much. I think part of my problem is that I really suck at structuring myself. In the absence of a defined schedule, I tend to drift at loose ends, not sure what to do with myself. It can be frustrating, because despite my best intentions, I continually fail at keeping a healthy routine.

The insomnia doesn't really help, but here I am again at 2am, back out of bed after laying there trying to get to sleep for 2 hours. So frustrating. I guess I'm just gonna have to try to do what I can to create some sort of routine, though.

I'm really sorry to hear that your anxiety is acting up again. I know you're a pro at managing, but it still sucks.

Take care,

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:18am

I'm sorry to hear that you're on the roller coaster as well. Big life events always set me off, too. I guess it would be more accurate to say big changes sets me off. And big emotion. Those are my cryptonite.

Death has always been a huge trigger for me. In fact, I can clearly remember when my anxiety issues started. I was 7 and a classmate of mine died in the school parking lot during gym class. We were running laps and he fell. We all ran past him a couple of times before anyone noticed that there was something really wrong with him. He'd had a heart attack, brought on by an undetected valve defect and died while the gym teacher and the principal were doing CPR, as my classmates and I stood around watching. In that moment I realized that sometimes really bad things happen, even to kids, and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. I also realized that death wasn't just something that happened to pets and old people. I wonder sometimes if things would have been different for me if someone had actually talked to us about what happened, but in those days no one talked to kids about stuff like that. They sent us to the library to watch Swiss Family Robinson that afternoon and that was that. Nothing was ever said. Not by my teachers and not by my parents. It wasn't long after that I started having panic attacks.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandson. The death of a child is always hard. I can't imagine what it's been like for you and your family. My heart goes out to you.

As for the wrinkles, I think mine are more smile lines than anything else, as well. I'm learning to live with them, but I'm not above photo-shopping them out of pictures at this point. LOL Maybe I'll grow to love them eventually. Maybe.

Well, you take care. You have my number if you wanna chat.

Jess

Avatar for ebgirlx2
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 12:25am

Hi Jess,


I've not been on here lately and just checked in to check on everyone. I so get your moods. I so am there with you about death and not living life to the fullest. I will turn 43...ugh..how the he$$ did that happen...in a few weeks and I'm not looking forward to it. I think about all those years I spent worrying and 'dying' that it makes me sad. I've had a great life but sometimes think if ONLY I could get past some of my fears I'd have more fun!! UGH!! I am seeing a new therapist and I like her. My world is opening up with getting out of this dang house and doing things with my friends. It's small steps but at least it's a step.


How are you doing with the move and your husband leaving???? Think of you often ....


Cheryl


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 1:01am

Thank Cheryl. I'm actually doing alright with the move at this point. We'll see what happens when the time actually comes. Actually, it's not the move that I'm so much worried about. I think I'm handling the deployment stuff pretty well, though. I kind of just want it to get started so it can get over with. I'm scared for him in a way I wasn't for the previous two deployment, though. I think previously I was so consumed with the anxiety and panic that dealing with that distracted me from the fact that my husband was at war. So far, my anxiety is pretty much under control in regard to the deployments, and I find myself worrying much more about his physical safety. Especially with the casualty numbers coming our of Afghanistan right now.

So, basically, I'm just trying not to think about it too much. Denial is the military wife's best friend.

Anyway, thanks for thinking of me. I've been wondering about you as well. Take care and stay in touch!

Jess