A little shell shocked

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
A little shell shocked
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 11:14am

As I've mentioned before, it's been a crazy hectic summer, getting ready for the move, trying to find a house, etc. In amongst all of this, dh and I have been starting fertility testing, to see if there was a physiological reason why we haven't been able to get pregnant. There are lots of reasons why we decided to do it this summer even though we have so much on our plates right now. The biggest being that we knew we wouldn't have the time for it once we move, as he prepares for the deployment, and we wanted to be ready to go for another serious round of trying as soon as he comes back. Anyway, we had the follow up appointment yesterday, and the results weren't good. The tests showed that my husband is basically sterile. The doctor said we'd likely never get pregnant, him and I together. Invetro isn't even an option at this point. I'm a little astounded. I always assumed the problem, if there was one, would be with me. It never occurred to me that there might be a problem with him. In a way, it's almost worse. He is not handling the news well. I'm worried about him. And of course, the whole thing started my anxiety into high gear. I spent most of the night laying awake wondering about the landscape of our future, alternately researching options online and praying that the test was wrong.

I know that this is probably all a bit much, but I'm home today, watching my infant nephew, who we have for the week, and dh has asked me not to discuss this with anyone just yet. I understand his need to process this on his own for a while, but he won't even talk to me about it, and I am feeling overwhelmed with my own thoughts and grief. Is grief even the right word? I'm just not even sure what to do with this. I generally don't handle strong emotion well, to begin with.

Thank God for this board, though. I feel a little guilty for venting like this, when I know dh would prefer I not, but I just really needed to get it out. Thanks for listening ladies.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 12:47pm
(((Jess))) I am so sorry): I believe grief is the right word. You have suffered a severe loss. Like many women, you were thinking about having a baby of your own & that rug was pulled out from under you. It will take time to feel better. It will take time to work through the grief. But, you will not likely *get over it* or *find closure* as some folks mistakenly refer to it. Like any loss, it will be w/you. I am sending P&PT's your way.
You are welcome to post here anytime. iVillage is safe & anonymous, so dh has nothing to worry about. W/ so much on your plate, I know that sharing w/others who have anxiety is the best thing for you.
As for how best to deal w/him, I am not sure. He does need space & time to deal w/his loss too. I think there are women in your very same posistion that know firsthand what worked for them. Take a look through these messageboards: http://www.ivillage.com/messageboards/pregnancy-parenting
I care about you. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan



Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 1:01pm


This is rough, I'm so sorry you are going through it. It's understandable how this effects males the way it does and it is good you came here to vent. You may even need to see a therapist. Though, I do think, at some time, you will need to talk to him. You will need to say this effects both of you and you need to discuss it with each other.

When I had my miscarriage my H said he didn't want to talk about it. He was in such a refusal to talk about it I think I misunderstood what exactly I was 'allowed' to talk about. I spiraled into the worst depression I had ever had and felt I had nobody to talk to & my best friend & companion had made it off limits. It put an incredible amount of stress on our relationship and eventually broke our marriage down to a point is was nearly dissolved. We are still together, though not the same couple.

I do believe things would have been much different if I had stood my ground. Give him space, but also not allow him to tell me not to share my grief with anyone. This is not just his pain, it belongs to you too.

I've been reading this book called "A New Earth" and the first section defines ego (our identity). At the end of the section is talks of how when our identity is stripped we can fall into a victim role and this identity, the victim, is hard to let go of.

So in the meantime, perhaps, give him a date of when you'll want to talk - make sure it gives you plenty of time before deployment & get yourself into counseling.

{{{tighter hugs}}}

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for booplady44
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Thu, 08-19-2010 - 9:38pm



Three grand essentials to life are...something to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-1998
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 10:20am

Oh Jess, I am so sorry. Grief is definitely the right word, so allow yourself to grieve a bit for now. This is a big deal.

You are surprised, and certainly DH is too. He is probably feeling quite blindsided, and I don't think it's unusual for men to shut down, even completely, given this type of information. As hard as it is to be patient, because this involves you too, he does need some space to get his head around it.

I like to solve problems and find potential solutions quickly, and I suspect you (and my fellow anxiety suffers) do too, but that is not always the most productive approach. You're bound to worry a hole in it if you work at it too much. I do agree that there is a time limit for him to deal with this alone, and he will need to address it with you at some point before he deploys, but since you just found out yesterday, do try to be a little patient with him.

When time does come to talk, I've found that bigger, sensitive issues are often better handled in small bites. A very short conversation here, a couple thoughts passed back and forth there- nobody feels threatened or exhausted or overwhelmed by the topic like if you try to sit down and hash it all out in one sitting.

Jess, I do wish you all the best of luck in working through this. My prayers will be with you. (((HUGS)))