A little shell shocked
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|Wed, 08-18-2010 - 11:14am|
As I've mentioned before, it's been a crazy hectic summer, getting ready for the move, trying to find a house, etc. In amongst all of this, dh and I have been starting fertility testing, to see if there was a physiological reason why we haven't been able to get pregnant. There are lots of reasons why we decided to do it this summer even though we have so much on our plates right now. The biggest being that we knew we wouldn't have the time for it once we move, as he prepares for the deployment, and we wanted to be ready to go for another serious round of trying as soon as he comes back. Anyway, we had the follow up appointment yesterday, and the results weren't good. The tests showed that my husband is basically sterile. The doctor said we'd likely never get pregnant, him and I together. Invetro isn't even an option at this point. I'm a little astounded. I always assumed the problem, if there was one, would be with me. It never occurred to me that there might be a problem with him. In a way, it's almost worse. He is not handling the news well. I'm worried about him. And of course, the whole thing started my anxiety into high gear. I spent most of the night laying awake wondering about the landscape of our future, alternately researching options online and praying that the test was wrong.
I know that this is probably all a bit much, but I'm home today, watching my infant nephew, who we have for the week, and dh has asked me not to discuss this with anyone just yet. I understand his need to process this on his own for a while, but he won't even talk to me about it, and I am feeling overwhelmed with my own thoughts and grief. Is grief even the right word? I'm just not even sure what to do with this. I generally don't handle strong emotion well, to begin with.
Thank God for this board, though. I feel a little guilty for venting like this, when I know dh would prefer I not, but I just really needed to get it out. Thanks for listening ladies.