RA and self-esteem
Find a Conversation
RA and self-esteem
| Fri, 04-07-2006 - 4:36pm |
Hi everybody,
I have never posted on here before, mostly on the love and sex boards.
I've had RA since I was 5 years old, thankfully low to moderate most of the time, but it has left its mark on me, mostly on my elbows and hands and toes.
It was really hard to deal with that when I was a teen, but it was tough even in my 20s (I am in my mid-30s now) when I was single and looking. Young women have enough pressure to look good, but it seems really hard to attract the opposite sex when you have a visible disability, but not one most people seem to understand. Lots of people have gone out of their way to tell me that I am wrong about what I have because only old people get arthritis!
I'm now engaged to a wonderful man, but was wondering if anyone here, especially if you are single or were single when RA really hit, or if you were a teen with it, also had a hard time feeling self-confident, attractive and sexy.
I would appreciate hearing about your experiences -- it would help me deal with a few painful memories.
Thanks,
--Fran
I have never posted on here before, mostly on the love and sex boards.
I've had RA since I was 5 years old, thankfully low to moderate most of the time, but it has left its mark on me, mostly on my elbows and hands and toes.
It was really hard to deal with that when I was a teen, but it was tough even in my 20s (I am in my mid-30s now) when I was single and looking. Young women have enough pressure to look good, but it seems really hard to attract the opposite sex when you have a visible disability, but not one most people seem to understand. Lots of people have gone out of their way to tell me that I am wrong about what I have because only old people get arthritis!
I'm now engaged to a wonderful man, but was wondering if anyone here, especially if you are single or were single when RA really hit, or if you were a teen with it, also had a hard time feeling self-confident, attractive and sexy.
I would appreciate hearing about your experiences -- it would help me deal with a few painful memories.
Thanks,
--Fran

Pages
Welcome, Fran. I would not be surprised if all of us responded that RA hit us in our self-esteem. It takes away part of who we think ourselves to be. And, yes, it does affect my appearance. I've had both knees replaced, and I have these horrible ugly 9-inch scars running vertically from just below to just above my knees. It looks like I have "runs" in my hose, so I have to keep my knees covered. It's hard to keep your hair properly when it hurts to raise your arms, and the crooked toes aren't too attractive in sandals either. I was "lucky" in that I did not develop RA until my mid-50's, and I've been married to the same dear, sweet man for over 43 years. I never worried that he would leave me because of the RA, but my rheumy at one time told me that about 80% of his women patients who develop RA are divorced within a few years after diagnosis.
I'm sure you'll hear soon from some of the younger women here who may have shared your concerns. I'm so glad you have found someone with whom to spend your life.
Rosemary
80 % Divorced after RA diagnosis ???? they must have left out the binding clause " in Sickness & In Health " !!!! I never once thought my hubby would leave me when I was at my worst.
Self Esteem Issues for me : At first I thought none I am fine but ...
really I have developed almost a preoccupation with not having photos taken due to my round pred face now. At least with digital I can have a sneak preview and delete bad photos.
I am at times self conscosious about my wrists and hands, I throw temper tantrums at work when I cant undo things or break ampuoles and my frustration gets the better of me.
And I was under more stress than normal last week when I wanted to wear a nice coloured skirt to a funeral of a young 19 yr old girl the other day, but cant wear any other shoes than my full cover ones which looked like crap.
Samll issues but they do keep reminding me that I have RA & my body image is not what it used to be.
Sex issues : been there done that, not so much in body image as to how my hubby views me as I feel quite secure, but more so in the how to when the body is just sore, and how to deal with painful hips, feet getting kicked,& a body that basically has trouble supporting your own weight let alone your hubbys. It is just a reality now that I cant swing from the candeliers, do flip flops and summersaults, hand stands and seductive swists & twirls. But I can flutter my eyelashes and give a wink. I can say I love you. I can give a hug and kiss. and I do have a normal sex life. I think. A normal sex life is what ever you and your partner choose.
Fran, dealing with painful memories just sort of makes us who we are, Some thimes things just happen in our life that we have no control over. Some things may be said or done with or with out malice which has a direct impact on how we view our body and sexuality. We enter teenage years which really can be traumatic, but in answer to one of your questions dealing with RA in teenage years & image issues would be no different than those teenagers who have ache, are fat, are too skinny, have no boobs, have big noses, crooked teeth, big cheeks, big bumb, short legs.....the list goes on and on and on. Teenagers with RA just happen to have a disease. As a teenagers I was blessed with freckles, fat legs, braces, and you know what...the love of my life still found me. As your wonderful man has found you. So I would suggest you pop those painful teenage memories away in a box, you cant change things said or done in the past, you can only learn from them and accept them as having happened. Fran I wish you all the best in your life with your hubby to be. amy it be filled with lots of laughter, love, cuddles, kisses nudges and winks. Leslie
PS. My fantasy moment in my mind was always my hubby would sweep me up in his arms ( like on tele)and carry me into the bedroom, and it would all be very romantic. Years ago I told my hubby this well, he through me over his shoulder in a firemans lift, and staggered through the loungeroom, up the hall, back breaking, knees weakiening under the weight and strain, each step becoming an earth shatterring huff & buff from him, with sweat pouring he did one final heave and I was dumped on the bed. All very romantic. sex ? no poor hubby was stuffed already.
Fran, this is a great subject and thank you for bringing it up.
Molly
Rosemary, this is so sad.
Molly
Molly
Your insights are very valuable. I particularly found that 80 percent statistic interesting. I am hoping that some of us who have JRA, like I did, might be willing to share as well. Since I have been dealing with RA for more than three decades, and doctors were hesitant when I was young to start me on the really heavy stuff, this illness has left its mark. And kids can be cruel, particularly in junior high school.
I have always had the mindset that I would rather focus on what I can do than what I can't, and it has taken me far. RA is just an everyday obstacle to navigate. Some days it's bigger than others!
Again, thanks for the replies, and I hope more will share!
--Fran
Ah Molly Television and the movies can claim some responsibility ( i wish we had a spell checker).....in what we view as normal sexuality and behaviour, and how our romantic interludes should be. I know my "dreams" have been shattered many times over,as I dare say so has my hubbies. But like all things in life a few years teaches us things, and I guess the teenagers of this world whether they have RA, pimples, or missing one arm, will grow up and distinguish between sex, lust, passion and love. It is just a shame that sometimes scars of the past are carried into adulthood.
PS if you ever meet my hubby dont dare tell him I put his firemans story on a public site he would kill me !!!!! But here is another story which demonstrates how we view ourself.......
It was my birthday I was 24 and had just given birth to Craig 2 weeks earlier, my hubbby bought me tiny sheer sexy georgeous underwear for a present . I was horrified how could I wear that, I now had stretch marks, was breast feeding and had put on a massive amount of weight. I returned it and exchanged it for a terri towelling dressing gown, which I thought at the time was more appropriate. My hubby was very upset. In HIS EYES I was sexy and desirable, despite my fat, strecth marks and breast feeding boobs. 10 years later he tried again, a size too small but did I return it, NO WAY. I accepted the gift, and squashed my 20 DD boobs into the 16 B lace ............his cup run-eth over !
Self Esteem.......it is our own choosing. lell.
Molly
I think I could go on and on about this topic. I tend to feel at times like I have to "hide" my arthritis. Not sure why that is...maybe it's just too tiring to explain over and over that arthritis isn't just for old people, and what PA is exactly...and maybe part of me feels somehow "flawed" now, I'm not sure. A coworker who is known for being insensitive made this remark after I had mentioned something hurting (I wasn't even speaking TO HIM): "Do you ever have a day when something doesn't hurt?" I was shocked, and just managed to say, "Actually, no, there is usually some pain somewhere at least once a day." My friend/coworker wanted to knock him out, but I'm glad he restrained himself. Even though I KNOW I shouldn't have let that bother me, it did.
It's most upsetting though in my marriage. I would love to be able to stay up later with my husband and have more energy for intimacy...and I PRAY my husband will one day realize this is NOT going away. Honestly, sometimes I feel he's in denial about it even 4 years later. We were talking about retiring early (55ish) and I reminded him 1) I might not be able to get private insurance 2) If I did, it would be VERY expensive. And then I felt BAD that because of me, we might not be able to retire early. ANd how ironic that I can't retire early because I AM SICK...where is the fairness in that? lol I worry a lot about having to go on disability and I know I'd feel GUILTY if I did, even though it's out of my control.
Michelle, having a chronic illness and working poses a whole other set of problems. What and how much do you tell an employer? How honest are you about why you need time off work? Do you go ahead and do things you know you shouldn't just because you don't want to admit that your illness is standing in the way? Do you bite your tongue when a co-worker asks how you are today? If we're "too" honest with people, we can be perceived as "sick" and somehow not as competent as we should be (no matter what our actual job performance might be). On the other hand, we are forced to make some accommodation for our illness (doctor's appointments, lab tests, inability to walk miles or stand for hours, etc.). I have a close to ideal situation--great employer, and the attorney with whom I work is super-understanding and does more than anyone could ever expect to help out. He knew nothing about RA but, on his own, did the research to learn. Even with all that, I sometimes push to do more than is good for me just because I don't want to appear "sick." So, we make ourselves sick to avoid appearing sick? Stupid--but I know I do it sometimes.
My DH and I are nearing retirement age, and medical expenses are a real worry. I honestly do not see DH ever retiring completely absent a health-related issue. He really loves his work, and since he is self-employed, he can accept as many or as few projects as he pleases. However, I have always carried the medical insurance on both of us through my employer. If I quit, so does that. We'd have Medicare and a supplemental policy (which can be expensive), but at least we would have access to insurance. Believe me, there were times early on after diagnosis and before any of the RA drugs kicked in when the only thing that kept me working was access to group insurance. So I get the thing about having to work because you are sick.
OK, this is leading into my rant about the health-care problems in this country, so I'll stop right here!
Rosemary
Pages