Newbie...want to become a regular

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Newbie...want to become a regular
3
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:34pm
I just found this board. I usually write on the relationship boards. I have low self-esteem. I have had it since I was old enough to recognize what it was. I am 27 years an African-American woman (doesn't mean anything about race...but some things I say later will be clear). I am a single mom of two girls (6 and 3) I own my own home, I have a BS in managment and am an Office Manager at a Public Relations agency. I am going back to school in April to pursue my MBA. With all of that I still feel worthless. Like no one wants to be around me, I feel that I am boring. I don't go out. (partly because I am a mother) I go to bed with my girls (8:30) even on weekends. I feel pathetic. But sometimes I love my life. I like the comfort of my home. I like being inside. But sometimes I want to go out. I don't have any friends here. My friends are form HS and college and they are all out of state. I do have a boyfriend. Which in itself is a problem. I think he is the reason why I recognize my low self-esteem again. He is so confident and conceited whereas I am the opposite. He doens't take me anywhere, hs says I don't know how to have fun. He drinks and smokes (not weed but black and milds) I do neither. I know I shouldn't be with him but I can't seem to leave, every time I do I always come back. In any case, I thought about suicide, at first I didn't because I thought about hell (when I was younger) now that I am older I think about it but I don't do it because of my girls. I am all they have. I promise you people they are the only reason I am alive. When I got pregnant with my first I always wondered why? this wasn't how my life was supposed to be. But now I look back and in my own perception I believe it happenened because of my suicidal thoughts. Their fathers; well one is there emothionall but can't do anything financially the other well he is just not in the picture, so I am all they have. In any case, I need someone to talk to, but I don't have "extra" money for a therapist and like I said I don't have any friends where I am. My boyfriend is no help, he can feel my low self-esteem and he would just play on it more if I "told" him how I felt. He will call me crazy; and reall mean it. Now let me say not all the time do I feel downtrodden but I get in these moods alot. I am a very attractive girl, I can look in the mirror one day and say "you look good", but the next day I say "you look horrible" I can walk down the street and have men try to talk to me. Sorry this is long......I had a breast reduction in 2000 because I hated the way men looked at me and their remarks. I wear (or used to, just getting out of it) big clothes because I did not want the attention. Anyway that's me in a nutshell. I will post and try to repsond to others...one more thing I "give" great advice and can boost people up. but I can't seem to do it for myself...so don't consider me a hypocrite. thanks for reading
Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:46am
Welcome to the board! I just found it recently and really like it here, the people are so supportive and helpful! I share a lot of the same feelings you have, i have days where I think "WOW I look good" and then days where iI can't imagine leaving the house! But lately, when those days hit, I take an extra minute, redo myhair, put some lipstick on, whatever! Just a little something extra to make me feel good about me!

I have one comment onthe suicidal thoughts. Pleasle do whatever it takes to get those thoughts forever out of your mind! I have seen the aftermath of suicide firsthand and it is unimaginable! Your little ones love you, faults and all. You have unconditional love, how amazing! So, yeah, whenever you feel down, give the girls a hug! And get out of the house, with them! Head to the park or the book store or rent a movie! A lot of towns have activites for single parents and their kids, maybe you can find something like that in your area.

As for this guy, it doesn't seem like a very giving relationship. I know leaving can be hard and being without someone is difficult (I came here when my bf and I broke up, I know the hurt). But being in an unfulfilling relationship is so much worse!

Please stick around, you will like it here

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:55am
Welcome to the board Vermae. I'm glad you found us. You'll fit right in with us ;) Well, first of all - your suicidal thoughts do worry me. As long as you say you are not seriously considering it, I won't freak out about that. Anytime you do have those feelings, give your kids a hug. And another.

I know I have some of the same feelings as you, some days thinking "hey, I'm allright!" and others, feeling pretty bad about myself. We need to try & have more of the good days. Try to learn to not put yourself down... if you look in the mirror, stop yourself from saying "oh I look bad" or whatever. It really is a habit when we talk down to ourselves. We need to be our own best friend! So many people treat other people better than they treat themselves. Show your daughters what self-respect and self-love is about ;) They need you for that!! You've already shown them how successful a woman can be, right?

I say you should put yourself first for a while here. Don't worry about your boyfriend - you don't have to tell him any of this stuff. He doesn't put you down or insult you, does he?? If not - good. It's important to have supportive people in your life. Don't let anyone treat you badly - you deserve much better.

You mentioned returning to school - can you meet people there with similar interests? Try to reach out & talk to people. You never know who you can meet. Perhaps there are some type of single parent organizations or clubs in your area. Meeting women and men like yourself would be great wouldn't it? Maybe there would even be organized activities which include the children, etc. How about your local park district? Many have fliers or booklets with different activities that don't cost much, or are even free.

I hope some of this has helped you. I'm sure the other ladies here will have some good things to say to you :)

Julie froggyfish@hotmail.com



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:47am
Hi Vermae, and welcome to the board!!!

You're in a real rough situation, and I know that it's hard to get out of... you KNOW the best thing for you would be to leave this guy... you said yourself, he brings down your self esteem. Why is it that you stay? What draws you back to him??? Next time, leave, and DON'T go back... you need to re-new your own life.

I'm happy to hear that you've decided suicide isn't the right answer...you're right, your children need you, and , you need them. Why not take up a new hobby? Start going to the gym, or taking a class that interests you.

I'm really really sorry, i know this response is probably being of no help to you... i'm not feeling too well, and am still half asleep, so I know i'm not all "there".... i'll try and get back to you today with a more coherent, sensable response.

*hugs* i hope you begin to feel better. You are welcome here any time.

~Lisa

lisa_ann1226@yahoo.ca