I really need to feel better, I can't go on with this numb feeling. I spent time with the ex last Thursday and we decided we would talk Sunday night. Well, he never called. I called him Monday to tell him I was hurt by that and I can't continue to set myself up for disappointment. He left me a message and it said he didn't mean to not call, he didn't do it on purpose...etc etc. So, more phone tage, I called and left a message that I had some mail of his, somethings he needed but that I couldn't continue to call him, I couldn't be the only one to make an effort so I will wait for him top call. I realized something, my ex never means for anything to happen, he didn't mean to get his girlfriend pregnant at 19, didn't mean to get 2 DUIs, didn't mean to lie to me or betray me. So I guess if he didn't mean to do these things, then he doens't have to accept responsibility! He is perfectly content sitting back and letting life happen to him! If I had that attitude, i would most likely be still living in my parents house and still struggling through a crappy grad school program and with a man was was worse than anyone you can imagine! My ex is throwing away a chance at a perfect life, at being with someone who would love and care for him. He will go from one unfulfilling relationship to the next and never have again what he had with me. I just have to believe I am worth more than that and I will find someone to love and care about me!
I had a song pop into my head last night, sort of a break up song. And the one line kept repeating in my head. "You can take everything when you leave but my pride". And damn it, I am going to make sure that no matter what happens, I retain my pride!