iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 5:10pm
I have a pathetic problem that I really need to take control of and stop it from consuming my life.

For some reason when I go out, just about anywhere,I compare myself to other girls and feel very inadequate to them physically. I'm not sure exactly why. I do everything that I can to make myself look and feel attractive but when I'm around other females I start comparing myself and feeling totally inferior to them. My friends and my boyfriend all say that there is no reason in any aspect for me to feel this way but for some reason I still do. And there's nothing that my boyfriend does for me to feel this way or be insecure. He hardly notices other girls when we are out together. However, it is starting to get very frustrating for him that I feel this way and that he doesn't know what to do to help me. I know its probably silly to most people but I feel that because I don't look like a supermodel that I'm somewhat worthless and that sooner or later every guy I'm with is going to leave me because of that. And the funny thing is that when I look at my girlfriends I don't put the same stigma on them as I do on myself. I wish I knew exactly why I felt this way and I wish even more that I knew how to stop myself from feeling it. I just don't like wasting so much energy on something like this.

If anyone can give me any advice or any ideas about this I would be so very grateful. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kenekika
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 11:38am
Hi kenekika, welcome to the board!

What you are doing is so normal I can't begin to describe. Many MANY women do this... in fact, I read somewhere that women check out other women more than men do... For alot of us, alot of women we see, we are comparing ourselves to them ("oh I wish i had her hair/stomach/butt/legs/body", "i wish i could wear/fit into that") Because society has an unrealistic idea of the "ideal body", we are constantly checking to see how many of them there actually are...we want to believe that society's idea of "ideal" doesn't exist, and the more women we find with the "ideal" body, the lower we feel about ourselves... thinking b/c we aren't "ideal", our partner is going to leave us for someone who is.

This really isn't the case... unless your b/f is a real shallow superficial person, which it doesnt sound like he is. He is with you for a reason. If he wanted some other girl, with a "better" body and a "nicer" figure, then he would've left you by now. Everyone is different, and there are qualities that only YOU possess, and thats what he loves about you. You are your own person, not a poster-girl for the "ideal woman" and that's what makes you truely genuine.

Listen to your b/f and your friends when they tell you you have no reason to worry, but don't start thinking you're not normal. I think this is one of the most normal things about being a woman! lol

Good luck and take care!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: kenekika
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 2:17pm
Hello and welcome to the board.

Oh boy - have I been in your shoes. And sometimes, I still do it.

I think since our society is so hung up on looks, it's natural for us to do this to some degree.

But - the problem is when it makes you feel bad. Basically you are having a contest every day of your life with total strangers. You will win some, you will lose some. There will ALWAYS be "better" or "worse". But try not to make it some kind of competition. Seriously - there is no competition, except for you.

And - you are actually allowing total strangers make you feel a certain way about yourself... and they didn't even say anything to you. Don't let anyone have that power over you.

Don't you think if your boyfriend wanted to be with someone Taller/Thinner/Shorter/Blonder/Darker than you, he would be?? You aren't with him because you'd rather be with a different guy right ;) ???

It takes some work to change the way you think, believe me I know. And once in a while, that old envy demon rears it's ugly head. A good thing to try: When you catch yourself playing this negative game - give yourself a little pinch, or snap a rubber band on your wrist. This will cause you to associate these thoughts with something unpleasant. Might sound silly, but it works for some people.

Anyway - good luck hon! I hope you will come around & see us.

Hugs, julie