Lost in a real world...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Lost in a real world...
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 10:05pm
Hello Ladies... I will try to make this problem of mine as brief as possible. I am 27 years old, still in school, working and soon moving out of my parents house for the first time ever. Not that I am either ready to move out (don't ask me why, I know I'm too old to be living with them this long, but I also have been saving up for a house) nor I really have a place to go yet. They recently sold their house and will be moving out of state to retire so here I am making some first big decisions in my life. The problem is I'm not sure if I should move in with my boyfriend of three years who still lives with his mother, so we would be getting a place together, or should I not live with him and get a roomate. What's really happening here is that I don't know if I truly see myself with this man years from now. Before you say that is saying all, the dilemma really lays in the fact that I have been thinking of actually BUYING a townhouse with this man just because it would be a good investment and I wouldn't have to spend money on renting. That's how we've been talking about it, just like a business decision if you will. recently this has been bothering me a lot. Should I commit myself to buying a house with a man I don't really see myself so committed to? Why am I not committed? Because I just don't think he is ambitious enough to make much money and I'll be stuck in poverty if I stay with him. This portion of facts is relevant I believe as recently my friends have been attacking me for being too materialistic to concentrate on his income solely. I think I will post another post on that on a seperate message board but for now I am seekign advice on whether I should entertain a thought of moving in with this guy. Don't get me wrong, I love him but I'm afraid to make a mistake. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 1:05pm
this is tough. You love him, but you also seem more interested in having a living arrangement that is convenient for you. Buying a townshouse with him would be an investment and save money since you would be splitting the cost. Renting an apartment WITH him might be a better option since it's cheaper and there would not be any strings attached as buying real estate together might suggest. If you honestly can't see yourself with him in the long run, then you need to break this relationship up and be honest to him. Otherwise, you're not being fair to either one of you and may be leading him on. Talk to him and see how he feels about your relationship.

good luck,

Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 9:34am
Welcome to the board. My opinion is maybe you should look ito living on your own for a bit, both of you! Since neither of you have ever lived it alone, going right to a house together could be bad for the relationship. You need to learn to be on your own and then maybe some aspects of your relationship will become clearer! Plus, if you live togethe and then realize he isn't the rigth one for you, it is so very painful to end things. I recently broke up with my live in bf and he just moved out over the weekend, it was horrible! Maybe financially it would be easier to live togeher but it doesn't sound like the best idea emotionally! I hope this helps, please post more anytime we can help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 10:21am

I really think you should try living on your own first before you move in with your boyfriend of three years. I think both of you need to cut the cord & try being independent for awhile. Relationships can be co-dependent at times & we must learn to be able to function on our own.

If you do decided to purchae together, you should consult an attorney. Things could get really messy if you do decided to buy property together. Is marriage in the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 2:29pm
Hello and welcome,

You asked our opinions - so I'll give you mine.

I would not purchase property with him at this time.

I'm a big advocate of people living "on their own" at least once in their life, so getting a place with a room mate would be a good idea.... or, if you definitely love this guy, get an apartment with him. Just be sure that he understands that you are unsure about commiting to him any further than this.

I was very apprehensive about moving in with my BF - and I decided to just take a chance. It's been 2 years now, and sometimes I think "oh I should just live alone"... but then when I have dreams (nightmares) that he is gone - I am so sad. So - I'm glad I took the risk.

He wants to buy a home together, but I will not do that unless we are married (which he isn't ready for). So - everyone is different.

Just spend a lot of time on your decision. It's easy to say "oh, well I'll just move out if things don't work"... but that's not super-easy.

Make sure you would be moving in with him because you want to be with him, not just because it's the easy way.

Good luck, please keep us posted!