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|Wed, 04-16-2003 - 4:59pm|
i know i have low self-esteem, i don't know why though. i know i'm attractive or at least all of my friends and family say so and sometimes when i look in the mirror, i think i'm attractive. i used to be a dancer so that kind of helped my self esteem. i really don't know where to begin with all of this. i think that deep down, i have always had low self-esteem. my father was drunk when i was a child and when he would come to pick me up, he would be drunk and my mom wouldn't let me go with him. my mom wasn't the most loving mother and for some reason i have always had this fear of abandonment. i'm almost 31 btw.
well i dated a guy for about 5 years that i was engaged to, he was sarcastic and had a dry sense of humor but i know that he loved me and would have done anything for me. well after that i had a couple of relationships that didn't last very long and didn't mean very much. then i dated a guy who is 36, he's the first guy that i've ever dated that was a few years older than i and who was divorced and had a child. well i have no idea how i ever got in the situation that i was in. he was very controlling, i think he was bi-polar and it was definitely an emotionally abusive relationship. of course, everyone wonders how they get in those situations. of course, now i'm out of it, he still calls me about once a month to harrass me but i don't let it bother me. i know it destroyed my self-esteem though and i don't really know how to repair it. i am dating a new guy now who is absolutely wonderful, we've been dating for nearly 3 months and things are going great, he seems "too good to be true". he has a sarcastic nature in him which tends to hurt me sometimes because i'm very sensitive and often read too much into everything. he knows i have low self-esteem and tries not to hurt me, when he picks on me, i just pick on him back. i typically feel guilty about it though. he says a lot of things joking around that my ex would have said seriously which sometimes hits me in the wrong spot but i know i can't ask him to walk on eggshells b/c of my past. for instance, this morning i was making his bed for him (i typically do that for guys, i dunno, i think i have ocd too when it comes to cleaning, i generally just start picking up after them, etc.) and his son and he called me his little concubine, i told him not to ever call me that again. my ex used to call me that which he doesn't know but it's just the little things like that.
anyway, i feel like i tend to make things in our relationship a bigger deal than it should be. i always need reassurance about things which i know bothers him and i know that things he says in general, even just joking around upset me more than they should. i know he's just joking but it tends to make me feel like he doesn't care or just hurts me. i tend to make the guy in my life my number one priority, putting him first instead of myself or anything else for that matter and then i get sad b/c i focus on him too much and not making other things in my life a priority. i have a good career but i'm sure i'd be doing better if i was focusing more of my time and energy in it. i just feel like i'm pressuring him in certain aspects and he feels like he always has to make me feel better about things. i'm worried that i'm going to screw this relationship up b/c of my fears and worries. plus i need to help myself so that i feel better and not always so down. does anyone have any suggestions or help?