Not doing well today

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Not doing well today
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 10:36am
I am not doing very well today. Emotionally that is. I broke up with my BF on Monday. That does not bother me. It was for the best. He didn't speak to me at all on Monday and when I called he would ignore me and not pick-up. By the way I broke up via e-mail. In any case I really did not want to speak to him because if I did, I would recant like I always do. So he calls me Tuesday night (why did he do that) he was going out of town; which I knew, that's why I broke up with him...with him not being in town I would not have the need to call him. So he calls and we talk I got closure..I told him how I felt he said he loved me did not understand why I did it but he was ok with it. So I then said "well wanna try again".....I am so mad at myself. He didn't say yes and he didn't say no...But I know if I keep pushing I could get him back. Well we ended the conversation by him apologizing for not answering the phone and by me asking are we still together....he says I'll call you later and we hung up. I feel so sick and disappointed in myself. Why did I do that. If he did not call me. I would have been fine. I don't want him to call agian, because I know I would ask him back in a subtle way. Believe me I am ok with us not being together. But why do I feel like I have to ask him back. He treated me like crap, never wanted to do anything with/for me. I loaned him $$ that he still owes me. He gave me a slight concussion and then raped me while I was still"dazed" and even after that I broke up with him, but then apologized and asked him back. I am such a loser. I don't understand me. I hate me. I want to just end it...but I can't because of my girls. Nobody but them will probably care anyway. Yeah they'll be sad and miss me for a little while...then life will go on. I want to just go somewhere where no one knows me and I can start over. I don't feel like doing anything. I go to bed at is still light out. I don't feel like putting on any make-up (most guys I have been with say i look better without it anyway)I just wanna feel like plain jane today. That's all I have to write...just needed to let my feelings out...I have no friends and noone to talk to. It is hard to battle things out within your self. I wonder if I need medication. I don't have anuy insurance. I figured my bf was the cause of my feelings but he's gone and they are still here. so I guess I am the problem....Pleas help.
Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 10:57am
Oh honey! Huge hugs for you! Please stay away from this man, he is no good for you, just dragging you down. You need to think of your girls, would you want them to live like this, with men like this? No way! So why woul dyou accept it for yourself? Take this time while he is away to clear you rlife of him. You don't live together do you? Please please don't take him back, you are worth so much more than that! You are a mother, don't ever think if you weren't here the pain would go away for your kids! They will always love you and need you! Go out and do some activites with them, head to the park, join a playgroup. Someone sent me a little message the other day and it helped me, not sure ifyou are at all relgious, but here goes...If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it! That is so true. It may not seem like it now but you can get through this and be a better person on the other side!

I recently broke up with my bf and while it is hard and it hurts to be alone, I know in the end I will be better off. I was settling for less than i deserved. I no longer loved myself. Well, now I am trying to love myself again and I will heal, I know it. Have you ever read a book called In the Meantine? Pick it up and read it, it might help.

Please let us know if we can do anything else. hang in there, hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 7:36pm
Wow, what a mess you are...and I thought I was a mess (see post below). Who are your girls? Are you referring to your two daughters? If so, you need to clarify the situation for me by explaining further who they are and what they have to do with it all. Are they his kids? So many questions...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 7:24pm
Hi Vermae,

I know exactly how you feel about being alone and having no one to talk to while you are battling things within... it's very hard to go through and I've been feeling like that quite frequently lately and also wondering if I need medication...

However, things could always be worse. If you left your girls the way you are thinking, NO, they will not just miss you for a little bit and life will go on... they will be left confused, motherless and possibly even damaged... thinking that THEY were the cause (depending on their age)... no matter how bad it seems, getting "out" is never the answer... There is one quote that I've always loved: "when you're up, you're up, and when you're down, you never think you're going to get up again". And it's true... you think you're stuck in this rut, but it WILL get better... it may take some time, but it WILL happen!!! You have to believe in yourself, that you have the stregnth to carry yourself through these hard times.

I know I don't have great advice to give right now.... b/c I battle the same thing... I have "those thoughts" sometimes and wish I could find the courage, and wonder who would really miss me and for how long, but those thoughts scare the hell out of me... I'm trying to battle many things about myself I just dont like and need to over come, but putting myself to eternal rest would not make me any better of a person...

Don't beat yourself up about giving in... it's one of the worst things you can do to yourself and it doesnt help any.... is there a way that you can screen this guy's phone calls so you dont have the opportunity to cave in?

Im sorry I haven't been much help... I wish i knew what else to say... We're all here for you and you'll find constant support here...

Best of luck and many blessings,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:44am

You have a lot of support here. I have noone. You have your 2 girls that need you. Think how you would feel if one killed themselves & the pain you would endure. Imagine yourself as that little girl.

Listen, at least you recognize NOW what you are going to do differently. You see it. Don't go back. I have to remind myself of that evryday...& yes, I also don't feel like living...many days, many moments.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 11:19am
To clarify some things for you: I have two children (girls) ages 6 and 3. They are not his. He does not live with me. We have/had been together for about a year. I break up with him on average about twice a month then I always apologize and we get back together. Is there anything else you need to know...just ask

Thanks for your input.