Envy or disgust?
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|Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:00am|
I was watching a little of Avril Levine and extras in videos and it got me to thinking. Why does this bother me so much? Is it because I think I could never be or look like them in a video? Ever since I can remember I've always heard a voice in my head (probably mom's or my Aunt Helen's) saying, 'that's not for you' whether it's an outfit in a magazine or a career. It's like all my life I believed that only certain people can do certain things and the rest of us fall into that 'average' or 'everybody else' category.
Let' me see if I can explain it any better. It's like I always waited for someone to give me permission to be more confident, beautiful, thin, own something special, whatever. When I was little I used to think that someone told Susan Dey or the Brady kids that they were special so they could be on TV. They received that permission slip. The rest of us had to just be hum drum and average. What was it about them that gave them confidence to go before a camera? Why didn't my parents encourage me more to feel good about myself? Was I that ugly as a kid? (I don't think so but that's how I felt.)
There are times when I am confident and it's more times than I realize. It's just these music videos, magazines and TV show that make me feel inferior. I guess it's an envy of others having confidenc and not having it myself to be on TV or something like that. Does that make any sense? If I can't be considered 'beautiful' by the media, why should someone else? These kind of moments make me feel shallow, even though I don't think I am. Who am I to say Avril Levine shouldn't be on TV? But who should have the power to say Cameryn Meihnam isn't beautiful? It's all in the media's hands.
I think my own self image is my biggest problem. I'm hoping these 'judgements' of other people go away when I'm more comfortable with myself.
What do you think? Did anyone else grow up thinking this way?