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|Mon, 05-26-2003 - 3:52am|
I haven't looked at myself in a full body mirror in months. My mirror at home broke (thank god) so I've just seen my face in the mirror on the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I got a full view look at myself in a mirror in a public restroom last week. I looked FAT! I guess I should have realized it by now (I'm 200 pounds), but I had convinced myself that if I wore the right clothes that it wouldn't be as noticeable. I've been losing weight (3 months ago I was 222, now I'm 200) but when I looked at myself it didn't seem to have made any real difference. I'm committed to continuing to workout and eat a healthy diet, but myself esteem has taken a nosedive. I feel so unattractive. I've gained 60 pounds over the last 3 years and I'm ashamed to have anyone who knew before see how I look now. I went to see my doctor last month and she asked me how I could have gained so much weight. I know that it was partly because of medication that I was taking (Im not taking it any more), but I feel like I allowed myself to turn into a fat cow. I've been working out and watching my diet since the begining of this year, but every time I look at myself I get discourage and wonder if I'm ever going to change. In addition to the weight gain I've been struggling with severe depression so it has be hard to maintain my committment to losing weight. I wish that I could just wakeup and be thin again. Unfortunately that's not going to happen so I guess I'll try to focus on making positive changes and try to keep myself going. It may help if I don't look in the mirror for the next 9-12 months.