iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 3:52am
I haven't looked at myself in a full body mirror in months. My mirror at home broke (thank god) so I've just seen my face in the mirror on the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I got a full view look at myself in a mirror in a public restroom last week. I looked FAT! I guess I should have realized it by now (I'm 200 pounds), but I had convinced myself that if I wore the right clothes that it wouldn't be as noticeable. I've been losing weight (3 months ago I was 222, now I'm 200) but when I looked at myself it didn't seem to have made any real difference. I'm committed to continuing to workout and eat a healthy diet, but myself esteem has taken a nosedive. I feel so unattractive. I've gained 60 pounds over the last 3 years and I'm ashamed to have anyone who knew before see how I look now. I went to see my doctor last month and she asked me how I could have gained so much weight. I know that it was partly because of medication that I was taking (Im not taking it any more), but I feel like I allowed myself to turn into a fat cow. I've been working out and watching my diet since the begining of this year, but every time I look at myself I get discourage and wonder if I'm ever going to change. In addition to the weight gain I've been struggling with severe depression so it has be hard to maintain my committment to losing weight. I wish that I could just wakeup and be thin again. Unfortunately that's not going to happen so I guess I'll try to focus on making positive changes and try to keep myself going. It may help if I don't look in the mirror for the next 9-12 months.
Avatar for randomgrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 6:48pm
Hugs honey. First of all congrats on loosing 22 lbs. in 3 months! That's GREAT! That's a victory and don't forget that.

I know its easy to get discouraged. I do all the time. I go through my "I'm so fat and repulsive I want to die" phases and my "Hey, I ain't so bad" phases. It's hard to get through that first one. I wish the other one would last longer too, lol.

It's easy for me to sit here and say, "Just think of the weight you already lost, focus on your victory" but it's not as easy for you to do. Just remember now and then. When I lose weight, I tie a little ribbon to the strap on my purse. Whenever I look at my purse or get someihng out of it, I'm reminded that I can do it.

It's probably better you don't have the full length mirror. Don't torture yourself. I used to stand in front of my mirror for a long time just berading myself and telling myself how fat I"d gotten. If you want keep a full length mirror, but put it in the closet, so you don't have to walk past it. I started doing that. That helped.

Stick around the board here, I'm sure you'll find there's lots of tidbits here and there that will help you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:34pm
Thanks Nikki.

I agree with you it's better when you don't spend alot os time looking in mirrors and obsessing about your appearance. Before the mirror incident I really didn't feel too bad about myself. I knew I had gained a lot of weight, but my friends had told me that I didn't look that bad and I made an effort not to wear clingy clothes that emphasized all of my bulges. As long as I focus on my face (though that looks fatter too) I didn't feel so bad. I felt really excited when I found out that I had lost so much weight because I hadn't weighed myself in months (that's another thing I try not to obsess over). It was only when I got a full length veiw of myself that my selfesteem took a nose dive. I'm going to try to focus on how I feel more than on my apperance. I have more energy and stamina since I've been eating better and working out. I can walk farther and faster than I used to. I can even run to catch a bus if I have to. At the beginning of the year I couldn't do any of that. I might check out my appearance every now and then, but I'll try not to focus on the negative aspects too much.

Thanks again.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:46pm
Please don't give up! And CONGRATULATIONS on those 22 lbs.!! That is an amazing accomplishment. That makes my little 6 lbs seem like nothing. Be proud of that.

I know it's hard going through the process but the only way you're going to lift yourself out of depression is if you continue to take it one day at a time...exercising and eating right. Make a goal for yourself and commit to it. Write it down if you have to. That's what I did. I spent so many years unhappy with the way I look so I decided to do something about it. It's so hard!!!! But I'm doing it a little at a time and I know one day I will feel good again....and so will you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to do anything when you're depressed but you have to force yourself. Don't give in to it. You'll be amazed how your hard work will pay off.

Good luck with everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:56am
Ohhh, I'm so sorry you are feeling that way! But first let me please congratulate you on losing 22lbs, and working on losing more. I'm glad that you know you want to be healthy (and happy to boot).... and are taking steps to do it.

I know, I know, I know - we always hear "it doesn't matter how you look, or how much you weigh".... sure, it doesn't matter as far as our worth as people, or how lovable we are.. BUT - heck, no matter what anyone says - we feel better if we are happy with our bodies.

And sometimes, losing weight, getting more exercise, toning our muscles, etc.... will make us happier with our bodies.

No - we ain't gonna to look like supermodels. And that is okay :) But it doesn't sound to me like that is your issue. You just want to lose the weight you gained - and there is nothing wrong with that.

You sound like you know exactly what to do to reach your goals. I was also on meds that caused weight gain, and just got off of them... so, we need to give our bodies some time to adjust to that. Just be sure to set realistic goals for yourself. I know I would love to weight what I weighed when I was 18... but I don't think it's going to happen.

We can do it. Yes, sometimes it's no fun. But you are not alone :) Give yourself lots of pats on the back for how far you have come!!!

Lots of us here discuss this issue on occassion, and even talk about working out, eating right - tips, etc.. so please feel free to talk about that stuff here too.

Hugs & good luck - and keep up the great work!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 11:05am

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with your weight and depression too. You need to start trying to love your body as it is and love what all it can do, even if it is overweight. I hope you can begin to do this. Please post here often and let us help you with your esteem and the issues that you face. I think you will find the people here very supportive and helpful! Take care and keep us posted!


"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." ~Gandhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 11:43pm
Thanks to everyone for your support.

Hearing how other people are dealing with the weight issue really helped. Besides being concerned about my appearnace, I am even more concerned about my health. My mother has diabetes and high blood pressure, both of which are related to her weight. At 222 pounds I really couldn't afford to gain any more weight because it would put me at risk for developing both of these conditions.

As for my appearance, I'm not trying to look like a model. 165-155 pounds is a healthy weight for me that I can maintain as long as I'm physically active. One of the main reasons that I had gained so much weight during the last couple of years, along with the medication, is that I totally stopped exercising. I used to take dance classes several times a week and when I couldn't afford to do that anymore I totally stopped doing anything. Now I'm trying to get back into being physically active. Since I changed medications my appetite is more under control, so the physical activity should help me to continue to lose weight. Like I said before I don't want to be Twiggy. Being a healthy size 14 or 16 is fine with me.

Another benefit of being physically active is that it helps me to deal with the depression. I feel better when I'm using my body instead of just sitting around feeling miserable. I'm trying to find positive things to add to my life instead of just focusing on the negative. So I'm going to try start focusing on the positive things about my body and my appearance instead of just obsessing about the negative details.

Thanks again everyone.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:14am
Renee, I'm glad you found us, and I'm glad we all could help a bit. Sounds like you have a magnificant head on your shoulders :) I hope you'll hang out with us here. We can all share our tips & celebrate our accomplishments!



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 12:27pm
Oh yea, right there with you. I just weighed in a 195 at 5'4"; that's 20 pounds over my lifetime high. My husband is on the partner track at an accounting firm he recently joined, so I'm dealing with 'professional' wives that are all well put together. I can only feel he's embarrased by me. I, too, have been diagnosed with clinical depression and have been in therapy for 6 weeks battling the deamons that live in my heart. I started my diet the day we found our scale, this past Thursday. I have been battling my weight since my early teen years and turn to food for comfort. Not being able to drown in a sea of 'ice scream' (as I often call it) just seems to make everything a little harder. I guess I'm just trying to be as balanced about this as possible, though it isn't easy. I learned the true meaning of 'one day at a time' by watching my mother go through radiation for breast cancer. I guess I'm trying to look at this as a journey. From a previous therapy experience, I learned that the light at the end is worth the struggle. I read an intersting article here on iVillage today that I found very inspiring about a butterfly. A man helped the butterfly from the cocoon, but the butterfly needed to go through the struggle of escaping to build the sustance for life. The man's 'help' consequently caused the butterfly to die. I guess I'd like to think that I can use this time to prepare for being thin again and sheding my many, many barriers and defense mechanisms that I've created to protect myself.

I hope this helps and please report back your progress. Oh, Slim-fast does have a really cool site for weightloss; lots of really nice features. You may want to check it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:20pm
Hi Fyreflie.

I can understand what you're going through. I'm 5'6'' and 222 is the most that I've ever weighed in my life. My weight had been fairly stable before (though I was always slim and strudy, NOT skinny) because I have danced since I was a teenager. When I stopped dancing 3 years ago I did nothing in terms of exercise and before I knew it I went from a size 14 to size 22. I've always had bad eating habits. Lots of fried food, tons of chocolate, and gallons of ice cream. Whenever I had a bad day I would head straight for the fat and sugar. Chocolate used to be my greatest comfort food. In fact some days I would eat it instead of eating real food.

Since the beginnig of the year I've been trying to change my eating habits. I don't starve myself. I just try to eat healthy balanced meals. That's a diet plan that I can stick with. I still feel the urge to pig out on junk food when I have a bad day, but the funny thing is that now that I've been eating heathier foods, eating alot of junk food makes me sick. I just can't enjoy it the way I used to. So I try to remember that feeling when ever I feel the urge pig out. I still have some craving for sugar, but I try to substitute healthy alternatives. Instead of reaching for ice cream I keep frozen fruit juice bars in the freezer. They have sugar, but zero fat so I don't feel guilty about eating them. They actually taste pretty good, like sorbet on a stick. If I really need to have ice cream I also keep low fat ice cream bars in the freezer. So I can have the creamy tast of ice cream without tons of fat. I do allow myself occasional lapses from my diet. I eat a little bit of chocolate every week. Last week I had a Haagen Dazs ice cream bar. At least every couple of months I just have to have fried chicken from KFC. I don't beat up on myself if I go back to heathy meals.

I can understand how you feel about others perception of your body. At work people used to ask me "How did you let yourself get so big?". When I saw my doctor a year and a half after my last visit she said "How did you gain so much weight? You used to be such a pretty girl." Whenever I see a man on the subway I look away because I can't imagine that anyone would find me attractive right know. I avoid people that I used to dance with because I don't want them to see me like this.

All the negative feelings made me to finally decide to do something about my weight. I changed my eating habits and I started to work out. But the one thing that I try to remember is that I'm changing my body for ME not to please any one else. I want to be healthy and fit because that will allow me feel more positive, have more energy, and to enjoy life to the fullest capacity. I want to stay healthy. I don't want to develop diabetes and high blood pressure like my mother has. I don't want to die from a stroke like my brother did. I want to maintain a healthy weight. That means what's healthy for ME. Not for some skinny fashion model.

So hang in there. While you are trying to lose weight instead of just focusing on the negative aspects of you body, focus on the parts that please you whatever they maybe. And focus on the characteristics that make you unique. No one is exactly like you. No one could ever take your place in life. People vaule you for what you bring to their lives.

It's like the butterfly. We have to go through the journey of emerging from our own cocoons, but the journey begins within our selves.

Sorry to have gone on so long. Your post really touched me.