Confused, bummed out......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Confused, bummed out......
11
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 9:36am
Today is me & BF's 3 year anniversary. I was really hoping that he would proffer an engagement ring. But - nope.

Instead, he got a "brick" put into the Pavillion Walkway (in our town center) that says "Julie, Brian, and Buster - 2003". I know that is REALLY sweet & stuff. And he even said "that will be there forever". I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate it, because it is a very nice gift.

I'm just upset. It's been 3 years. Almost 2 years living together. We are in our 30's. But - no proposal. No ring. I want to get married. And he knows it.

I'm getting tired of waiting. I love him, and he is a great guy. I'm trying to NOT take it personally, but sometimes I can't help but start wandering into that bad area of "am I not good enough" "am I not thin enough" "am I not fun enough"....

I just don't know what to do. How long do I wait? Am I wasting my time? I can't come up with answers to these questions.

He says he wants to get married to me "someday"... but gets all pissy if I try to push the issue. He feels that it should be a surprise when a guy proposes.... whatever! Yeah, It will sure be a surprise when I am 80 years old & the shock kills me!

I'm so confused. I wish I had a reliable crystal ball that could tell me exactly what to do.

Thanks guys, I need to get this off my chest!

Julie

 

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Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 9:52am
Julie, I know how you feel, my ex and I were together for almost 3 years, lived together for 2 and I wanted that ring! Have you talked much about howyou feel, not pushing the proposal idea, justtelling him that you feel like you are ready and that his hesitation is sort of distressing. I don't believe in ultimatiums or anything but youboth need to be on the same path, ya know?

I think the gift was sweet, at least is shows he definately thinks long term, right? I know you are feeling upset but hang in there, if he is the one, the ring will come and it will be amazing!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 9:58am
That is a tough subject for you. I've heard you lament over this subject before and I know it can't be easy for you.

Hmmm, would he consider couples counseling just to 'discuss' the subject with you and a professional to get his fears off of his chest? I understand him wanting to surprise you with a ring but he's also risking the possibility of turning you off to the point of leaving him. I don't think he realizes just how much marriage means to you. Does he totally change the subject when you bring it up or does he at least talk about it for a few minutes?

I'm not sure what else to say on this subject. I hope our ideas help a little.

Hugs,

Ben

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 10:59am
Hey Ben, yeah I know I've been here before with this, lol. I guess I'm almost afraid to bring it up. He got pretty touchy last time, saying he wasn't ready yet - and didn't want an ultimatum, etc.

But yeah - I guess he doesn't realize that puts me in a position to simply walk away.

You are right, maybe counseling would be a good idea. But then he'll probably get even more weirded out & think he is being forced to do something against his will.

I guess hitting this 3 year mark is causing me to take a hard look at things. I see my therapist next Monday - so I have an earful for her, don't I???

Thanks Ben!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 11:01am
Thanks, I know you are right... I guess I'm just tired of waiting for him to "Be ready". How long does it take to realize you want to be with someone??? I would understand if we were much younger - but we aren't.

Was that one of the determining factors in ending your relationship?????

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 11:54am
I agree that ultimatums don't work. I believe a few of my friends had done that to their now husbands but, I don't think some of their marriages are working that well. I think the guys figured, 'if I give her what she wants she'll stop bugging me' but then what happens is the ladies get that marriage thing and want more. They want that perfect house, family, etc., The guys get resentful as they probably weren't ready for marriage and their idea of their responsibilities are different from my girlfriends ideas.

Some of my friends have a helluva time getting their husbands to mow the lawn, watch the kids for them, etc., and the guys make their lives miserable by not doing those things.

I really think you need to try and get your guy into couple's therapy. Explaing to him how this is one subject that is really bugging you and you both need to understand the other person's side of why you want it and why he's not ready yet.

Let us know how your therapy session goes today.

Hugs,

Ben

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Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 12:22pm
In a way yes, he knew I wanted to get married, we talked about it, about having kids, everything! And then as time progressed, the marriage topic "freaked him out". he realized he had so manu unresolved issues in his life and I guess the thought of committing to me made them all surface! His father was abusive to his mom so he has issues around that, nowhis dad wants a relationship with him (after years of conseling) and he had issues with that, he was married before and has a kid, issues yet again! The real thing was he doesn't LIVE life, he let'slife happen around him, my ex never seemed to actively participate in his life! I think if these issues didn't resurface and I said "I bought myself a ring, and we are getting married" he would have gone along with it!

There were lots of other issues so I don't want to blame it on just that but I do believe that having realistic, similar expectations about marriage are important! I think 3 years is a long time and I never quite understood the whole "not ready" explaination. Maybe it is part of the fundamental differnce between men and women, right?!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 8:59pm
HI Julie,

I can understand how you feel. I sometimes wonder if it's ever going to happen for me too, but then I just try to remember that what's meant to be will happen. So try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done, but really it's NOT you, it's him. You are a great person, don't let anyone make you feel differently.

I can understand what the other women say about giving an ultimatum, but at the same time I have heard from other people that that's what works. I guess sometimes guys get too comfortable with how things are, that they don't want to change. I think they get scared of losing their freedom, or something like that. It might be what your guy needs to see just how serious you are about this.


I don't want to tell you what to do. The decision lies in your hands. Just do whatever feels right to you. Your gut instinct usually is right.

Good luck, I really hope things work out and that things go the way you want them too.

Hugs,

Andrea

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 9:21am
Thanks Andrea - I really appreciate it :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:45pm
Oh Julie, Big Hugs to you!! This is sooo hard, I know!

Just one thing.....have him explain what "not ready" means. Really. What exactly does it mean?....not ready for commitment? Will he feel too tied down? Is he worried about being a good husband? Is he scared about what comes next? And what is "ready" to him? What makes a person "ready" for marriage? Let him explain this. Don't do it angrily and wait a while before you approach him. You might also talk about his attitude when you bring up marriage. Tell him it bothers you and be serious, but not pissed off or accusatory. Tell him you REALLY need to discuss it further...for you and ultimately for the both of you!!

Hang in there!

Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:49am
Great questions Paula - actually, I think I will jot those down, if you don't mind ;)

Thanks so much hon!

Julie

 

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