Can I have your opinion - re: BF

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Can I have your opinion - re: BF
9
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:15am
Well - since I do not wish to issue an ultimatum of any sort, here is what I am thinking.

For now - start saving up my cash - for ME. And decide on a timeframe - 6 months maybe? If BF doesn't propose - totally on his own, with no push from me - I am going to announce to him that I am moving out.

I figure I will explain to him that I didn't realize that we weren't moving toward marriage any time soon after moving in together, and that I have problems with "playing house".

There's a part of me that wonders if he lives with me just so he can share rent & live somewhere nice (instead of a teeny place, or his parents house). I've actually asked him & he said "no".

A good friend of mine said he is having his cake & eating it too. He gets all of the benefits of marriage, without having to commit. She's right!!!!

I just want to hear what you think :)

Thanks, Julie

 

Avatar for loritemp
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:44pm
I think that is a good idea but still wonder if you should have a talk with him again about it all. Even just tell him you don't want to play house and are still in this with the expectation that you are moving forward, towards marriage. You don't need to issue an ultimatium or anything, just make sur eyou are very clear about the path you intend to take. Are you really willing to walk away if push comes to shove? it will be hard but I definatley appluad you for not settling for less than what you want!

Here is a huge hug for you, wishing you strength and courage!

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Registered: 01-05-1999
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:49pm
I think that is a good plan. Save up some money to move into your own place or if possible buy a place of your own. I agree with your friend a little about having his cake and eating it too. I've known a few friends who moved in with guys only to find out they didn't intend on marriage. Why bother when they have a good thing already.

Julie, you have to think of yourself first. He'll be fine if you eventually leave him. It may even be what he needs, a kick in the pants to start dealing with his fears. Plan for YOUR future, not yours and BF. He doesn't seem to be planning for you, right?

I hope that didn't sound harsh. We all need to take care of ourselves first, then we can concentrate on someone else but, not forgot about us along the way.

I hope you are feeling better now that you have the beginning of a plan for your future.

Hugs,

Ben

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:54pm
Thanks Lori - believe me, I agree with what you say. You are probably right - I should try to talk about it again. And - if I get that stupid reaction from him that I am expecting - well, then I guess that is my answer.

I mean, geez, do I really WANT to marry a guy who just dismisses my goals, my dreams, my wants, and needs?

 

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:56pm
Bennie, what a great way to put it! Plan for ME!!! Because he apparently isn't.

We have our big anniversary night out this Saturday - so I don't want to create tension. But - afterwards, I guess I will give him some insight to my plan - without it sounding like "wah, if you don't marry me, I'm moving out". haha!

Knowing him - that is what he will hear anyway :o

Hugs, Julie

 

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Registered: 01-05-1999
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 3:45pm
You should wait until after your big night out. You never know, he might surprise you with a ring. I guess that's the hopeful romantic in me.

That's right though, you (we all) have to plan for our future. I don't think you want to be with someone who doesn't share your hopes and dreams. It would only lead to frustration. It would also be wise to not whine but to be cool and collected. That type of demeaner would show him that you are mature and well thought. Whining would seem more like a cry baby (which we all deserve to be once in a while).

Good luck, keep us informed.

Ben

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 4:21pm
Bennie - ha, you think just like me! I was thinking the same thing, like "oooh, maybe he is waiting until our big date".. But, honestly I'd probably fall into my miso soup if he did actually propose to me.

I'm going to just chill out, go have fun on Saturday, and see my therapist on Monday. And then - I'll hopefully be nice & calm.

Thanks again!

JULIE

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 8:58pm
Julie,

I think that's a great plan. I think that will get the message across to him that you are serious, and also it will show him how important this is to you. Just make sure that you follow through with this plan, b/c if you don't things will probably just continue how they are and he might think that you don't mind things as they are. I also think putting a little distance between the two of you couldn't hurt. What's that saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" or something like that. He'll see that he's missing being with a great lady. You'll also have a little more independence so that should be nice for you.

Whatever you decide, we are behind you here and I hope everything works out for you in the end. You deserve it.

Best wishes,

Andrea

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Registered: 06-30-2001
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:56pm
Julie,

I think you have to do what is best for YOU......we all do because sometimes things just don't work out the way we want or they put us in situations that cause too much stress and unhappiness. Set your timeframe and save your $. Saved $ is always a good thing. I still think you need to get into his head and find out what he's afraid of. There's something there that he's not telling you....deep down, what is making him "not ready?" If you don't want to do this because he gets weird on you, I understand. It is hard talking to someone who doesn't want to put their cards on the table or seems annoyed that the discussion is going on. If he just refuses to talk calmly and openly then I'd probably proceed with my plan.

Sigh! This is so hard and believe me I've had my share!!! Wishing you all the strength you need to handle this situation.

Paula

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:45am
Andrea & Paula - thanks to you ladies too! All of your feedback means a lot to me... and it's so good to hear from someone who is on the outside, you know?

Anyway - yeah, he needs to miss me a little, that's for sure.

I typed up a letter of sorts to give him - but I am hanging onto it for now. I'm going to try & talk about this stuff over the weekend - after our nice dinner out & stuff - I don't want tension for that.

Thanks again :) So very much!

Hugs to you all! Julie