Boyfriend Insecurities

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Boyfriend Insecurities
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:24pm
Thank you for your warm welcome! Here is a current situation I could use some help with. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 ½ years. I know I have some insecurities and self esteem issues that I am trying to work out. But right now I am not handling this situation very well. I don’t want it to end my relationship but every time I think about it, it drives me crazy. My boyfriend has a “friend” that he met through his work. She travels around to his company’s different locations to do the new hire training. When they met over a year ago I guess they decided to keep in touch. In March she was in our state but 4 hours away. He wanted to go visit her. At that time I hadn’t heard anything about her. He did ask me to go with him. So, we drove the 4 hours to hang out with her. She is 5 years older than my boyfriend but she is incredibly flirtatious. It definitely made me uncomfortable. My boyfriend seemed clueless and got annoyed with me when I told him I was uncomfortable. I tried to rationalize my insecurities with the situation. I know I have trust issues (I have been cheated on before) and I know my boyfriend sees nothing wrong since to him she is just a friend. But I am concerned with what her intentions are.

On Memorial weekend she wanted to visit and needed a place to stay. I told my boyfriend I wish he would tell her no and that this made me incredibly uncomfortable. He said she is a friend and nothing more and I should understand since I have guy friends that come to visit me. I told him that if any of my guy friends ever made him uncomfortable I wouldn’t let them stay with me. We ended up arguing over this and she came to visit and stayed with him anyway. Ends up all of his friends and family loved her! But she never made any effort to talk to me. My boyfriend kept telling me I was being too insecure. I feel that if this girl’s intentions were to be just friends with my boyfriend she would try to get to know me. But she didn’t. The only thing she said to me was she hopes she didn’t make me uncomfortable since she knows that it’s an awkward situation. I didn’t know how to respond to that. My boyfriend doesn’t understand how I feel but I honestly wish he would just stop talking to her. But I know he won’t. There is a work convention in July and I know he will see her then. But I won’t be there since it is out of town. I don’t know how to deal with this. Whenever I think about their relationship I get very angry, insecure and jealous. I wish she would just get out of our lives. My boyfriend’s argument is I should trust him and since his intentions are innocent I shouldn’t worry about anything else. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting due to my insecurities or is my boyfriend being too insensitive? What should I do when he sees her again in July? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:11am
Well, let's see here. He did invite you to go with him to meet her & stuff, so that shows that he isn't hiding anything.

But - really, how long have they known each other? It sounds like they've only seen each other a couple of times. I think it's a little strange that she would come stay with him. Did she invite herself to stay? Maybe she's pushy & he didn't want to say no.

Still, it's kind of stinky that some woman you barely know is sleeping at your BF's house. I would've said "Yay, a slumber party - I'm coming too ;)"

It sounds like he just genuinely likes her as a friend. The fact that she is flirtatious - well, we know how some women/men can be. And your bf may be a little flattered by the attention. That's normal.

Regardless, we don't want to watch some chick flirting all over our man. Maybe she is TRYING to just rub it in your face or something. SHE is probably the insecure one here. Don't let her "win".

We will not always like who our BF's friends are. And - we are not required to like them actually. But - our mates should consider our feelings when making plans with these friends. Were you around w/him over Memorial Day, or did he exlude you in any way?

If he is treating you like his GF while she is around, good. If you trust him, and love him, you have to believe in him. Try not to judge him based on past BF's.... all men are not the same.

Now some possibilities: If you act catty and jealous whenever she comes up, or is around - well, you probably won't drive your boyfriend AWAY from her. Just the contrary, he will probably then make plans to hang out with her, and not include you... since it just causes grief for him. Some people (like you) would instead consider his feelings & chill out w/the friend. But your guy feels differently & isn't about to stop seeing her for you. But geez, can't she at least be friendly to you???!!! You have some good ammo there.

Can you deal with that? Everyone is different - but you have to look at it & try to see if you are over-reacting, or if she does appear to be a real threat. And - your BF does need to understand your feelings, because they are normal to a degree. A little jealousy is normal. As long as it isn't provoked!

Okay - I am babbling like crazy, sorry!

Hope this made some sense :)

Hugs, Julie


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 4:49pm
I do think she invited herself to stay with my boyfriend or at least my boyfriend made it sound like that. I know you are right and I really shouldn't worry too much but I got real insecure when his family and friends loved her. It is hard for me to open up and be outgoing so I was (am) afraid that they would like her more than me. I don't like the fact that she didn't try to get to know me and she felt that I should be uncomfortable with her staying there. I know there is nothing I can do if she is going after my boyfriend but it is also hard to sit back and watch. I completely agree that acting jealous won't drive my boyfriend away from her due to the grief I am causing him but how do I act as if it doesn't bother me when it does? Any advise on how to handle the situation better when he sees her again at his work convention next month. I don't want him to hide it from me (which he might to avoid me being jealous) but I need something to tell myself when I start to get uncomfortable with their relationship. Thanks again for the help!