Looks like I will be living alone.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Looks like I will be living alone.....
8
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 9:18am
I couldn't wait any longer. I talked to my BF about stuff - and he got all upset. He can't understand my point of view at all.

He still wants to live together w/out marriage. But - if at some point HE (not 'we') feels that it is right, and that we are "perfect for each other"... then we could get married. Well geez - then why are we even living together ?

He even said "Oh, is this going to come up every year???" WOW!!!!

Anyway - I told him that I don't feel right about living together indefinitely, and that I would like to live on my own in that case. I tried to explain how this could even benefit us, because then I wouldn't be bitter and resentful. And in return, he wouldn't feel any pressure about the subject. I reassured him of my love, and how I still want to be a couple. But - nope. He thinks my way of thinking is ridiculous.

He took off for 2 hours after our talk. And now he is being cold & distant. Whatever. I cannot compromise myself for him. Or anyone!

Well, I guess we shall see what happens. Sigh!!!

Thanks for all of your advice about this stuff lately, you all really helped me out a lot.

Love & hugs to all of you! Julie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 9:32am
Oh Julie, I am so sorry it didn't turn out more positive. I was hoping that a serious talk would wake him up to your point of view. I think moving out might be good for you and him. I bet he will appreciate you more and realize what he is missing. It might even get him into therapy to try and understand his fears of commitment.

His taking off for two hours would bother me too but maybe it forced him to really think about everything you said to him. Did you mention therapy to him? If so, what was his reaction?

I hope it all works out for you. Please keep us informed of how you are doing today. I can only imagine today will be tough with everything that happened over the weekend. Did you at least have a nice romantic Saturday night to clelebrate your anniversary?

Big higs today,

Ben

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Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 10:16am
Oh Julie, I am so sorry, I was really hoping things would work out the way you wanted! But bottom line is you need to do what is best for you! If you always intended for the relationship to progress to marriage and he is now giving you maybes, you need to move out! Do you think you will do it right away or give it some time? I know how hard this must allbe for you but I give you so much credit for knowing what you want and not being willing to compromise! It takes lots of courage and strength to do that!

And maybe living together is just too easy for him. He has no idea what his life would be like without you but if he had a taste of that when you move out, maybe he would realize that the next step should be marriage! Regardless, do what is best for YOU! And know we are here to support you 100%! Huge hugs to you!

Lori

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 10:19pm
Julie, I'm so sorry that you're talk didn't turn out better. I know that it must have been hard to hear what he said to you, but please don't take it personally. It's really his problem not yours, don't forget that. I want to say that I think you did the right thing. I think you needed to express your feelings and concerns and get it out in the open. I don't think it's fair to you that you have to keep living with him on his conditions. I think a relationship is give and take and if he's taking more than giving, it's not in balance and makes things harder. I hope he'll see what he's missing when you leave. He's missing out on a really good person. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way, and maybe thats what it's going to take with him.


Anyway, please know that we support you here whatever happens. If in the end it doesn't work out, maybe it wasn't meant to be. I believe things happen for a reason and there is probably a reason for all this. There might be someone out there who is more suited for you and would appreciate everything about you.

I hope you will update us on everything. I am wishing the best for you.

Big Hugs,

Andrea

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 10:23am
(((((((((Julie))))))))))) Wow hun, what a hard thing to go through.... I'm sorry I haven't been following your story about this as closely as the others... *blush* ... I don't really know what to say. :(

I'm sorry youre going through this :(

*hugs*

~Lisa


Edited 6/10/2003 10:25:00 AM ET by cl-lamb1226

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 1:58pm
Julie, he sounds like "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" kinda guy.

Even if he agrees to marry you, there will always be that distance and communication problem. Right now, his ego is sore, cause in his mind he is losing the game and is mad at you (probably thinking you have found someone else and that he doesn't measure up) for whatever reason, but you cannot make a man understand how you feel cause they don't get it. I'd still watch my back and keep all valuables outta his reach. If needed to get rid of him, call the cops. There is no sense in him nor you wasting each others time, if this is not what you want.

Redsapphire35

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 2:10am
Oh Julie, I'm so sorry! But don't give up...yeh, he's upset right now and maybe he didn't expect you to tell him that so now he's faced with a life change. Maybe he'll come around, you never know, or maybe he's just not "ready" right now. You're right....you have to do this so there's no resentment and YOU get to feel better about things...more in control and happier about your situation. That took an awful lot of courage!

I know "be strong" is easier said than done but always remember to do what's best for you...what you feel is best in your heart.

You're in my prayers!

Lotsa Hugs!

Paula

Avatar for randomgrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 7:51am
I think you made a good choice hun. I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you'd hoped. I'm also sorry I haven't been following your story here, but I'm getting the gist of what's happening. I think you did right. One reply here said he seemed like the "Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free" kind of guy. He sounds that way to me too. Maybe this will show him he can't always get it for free. I really hoep things work out for you two.

HUGS honey!

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 8:48am
Thanks Nikki :)