Complete 180

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Complete 180
2
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 12:42pm
If I had an ounce of self-esteem I would be happy. To make a long story short--my bf or exbf has moved in with me. He got evicted and asked and being the co-dependent that I am I said yes. Meanwhile I haven't assumed that we were back together although we have had sex twice. Anyway, I am not his CONCUBINE!!!! He tells me let the chips fall where they may WTF is that. I told him he should sleep in my other room. "No I want to sleep with you". OH! but we aren't together. What am I supposed to think?....I bought this on myself. It has only been two days that he has been there. We only slept together in the same bed once. He works at night and I work during the day; so when he comes home I am leaving, except for the weekend. This will be our first weekend together, so I do not know how that will go. I will tell him how I feel. I am really over him (my actions may not say so...but I am) If he will just say "no we are not together or yes let's try again then I will be fine" But he gives me these philosophical answers. I would still let him stay, he'll just have to sleep in the other room. I need help everyone on how to talk to him. He doesn't listen to me, he hears me. I don't know how to be firm, he doesn't take me seriously. I know I messed up when we slept together, but that was different. It would have been easy for me to "cut it off", we were not living together, I could have just not come by his place, or refused to take his calls. (By the way..I was strong...I did not call him...he called me after not hearing from me in two weeks---I wonder if he did that because he knew he was being evicted and knew what a sap I was...and that I would say yes )But since we are "living" together it will be a little more difficult. Any suggestions besides telling him to leave. Other than my feelings...everything was great...we were laughing together and being friendly. I just don't want to be used or taken advantage of again. I know he only does what I let him...well I am trying to not "let" him. I need strength and esteem and anything else that will make me stop feeling like this. Thanks for listening.
Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: vermae
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 2:53pm
Sweetie, you need to get that man out of your life! No more favors and no more manipulation! I made the huge misatke of trying to help my ex after we broke up. Without going into it all, it backfired big time and I onlyhave myself to blame! You don't owe this man anything! Would he take you in if you needed it, most likely not! You are a strong, smart, amazing women! Having him in your life is only going to hold youdown. Someone on another board always says that relationships never rise to the expectations of the person who holds high ones, it lowers both people to the level of the person without goals or values. So, while you had so many goals for yourself, having him around is going tomake it hard for you to do for yourself and your family! Please don't think of him, think only of you and your kids! I know this is hard and I don'tmean to sound harsh, i justknow you are worth so much more than what you are getting from this guy! Hugs to you and know we are here if you need us!

Lori
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: vermae
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 3:17pm
Honey - First, big hugs to you. Now... you know that only YOU can make things happen, or not happen.

It doesn't sound like you are happy at all with him 'living' there. He needs to leave then. If he were a good friend or relative, it would be different, don't you think?

Decide on a time limit. A week??? Don't let it go on too long. He is a big boy & should take care of himself.

It just sounds like he is using you... I don't know him or anything, and maybe I am wrong... but.. from the way you put it, I'm not.

I hope you aren't angry at my forthrightness here.. but part of gaining self esteem is to assert yourself. And make good choices for you, no matter how hard. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, you can do it nicely but firmly. There's no reason to sugar coat it in this case.

It's YOUR home. It's not your job to put a roof over his head, right??

Good luck hon!!!! Julie