BF Update (if anyone is interested, LOL)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
BF Update (if anyone is interested, LOL)
11
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 9:26am
I saw my therapist on Monday..... I don't know if I mentioned that my BF & I saw her together last week.

Anyway - she talked about her observances of us, and man, she was right on.

It's not even about wanting to marry him anymore. It's about wanting to CONTINUE with him.

She said he seems to care more about losing the apartment & dog, than losing me. And that he is so rigid in his views that he is not a good candidate for counseling, and will probably never mature or change much. She said he has no empathy when it comes to me either... (Again, True).

She noted that he definitely cares about me a lot, and has a great heart. He is so good to EVERYONE - my mom, his family, and me.. when I ask for it.

So - I am going to see her again to talk about it more.. she wants me to work it through with her. Suffice it to say - I am afraid Ladies.

Here I am - 37 years old, settled into a very nice apartment with my dog & my guy.. thinking that this was going to be "IT". But now I have to decide. I know I am strong, and independent, and all that stuff, and that a woman should NEVER settle.

Sigh! Anyway - just wanted to talk about this - it's such a big thing for me right now. So - sorry if I seem distracted lately...this whole thing sucks. Thanks for listening :)

Hugs & love, Julie

 

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Registered: 01-05-1999
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 10:58am
Well of course we want to hear about your BF and how you are doing. Thank you for sharing with us too. It's always good to know how each other handles life's problems.

Those are some interesting observations. Hmmm, so does she think he's more concerned with material things like the apartent and dog than you? It sounds like your therapist feels he's not into working for things, just wants them to come to him. Re: he's rigid, since she feels he's not a good candidate for therapy does that mean there is no hope for him, or your relationship? He's set in his ways? He sounds very stubborn and trying to protect himself both materialistically (sp?) and emotionally.

We all know settling is not a good thing. I bet we all know people who settled for someone so that they are not alone or don't wind up in that 'never married' category, and how those people are doing now. Are they happy? Probably not, but do they want to change that situation? Again, probably not because that would require work. Work meaning going to therapy, through a divorce, starting over, etc., and they probably like their status quo as married or whatever.

It's just not worth it to go through life unhappy. Keep working with your therapist until you have the strength to make the next step in life. Since your BF doesn't seem to have your best interests in mind then YOU have to have to look out for your best interests.

Hope I'm not being harsh. Feel better,

Hugs,

Ben

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Avatar for loritemp
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:03am
Of course we are interested! I wish I had some advice or wise words for you. I know I was with my ex and thought life was rosey, I saw problems and glossed over them, after all, we were in love! It wasn't until we broke up and some very objective friends gave me their opinion that i realized how wrong we were for each other. My ex has a huge heart and really is a good guy. But like your bf, was rigid and I think was so concerned with holding on to the lifestyle he had, he lied and manipulated his way through life! Sweetie, you ahve a million and one things to offer this world. You will never be alone! You have the strength and courage to do what is right for you! I know how hard it is and you may love him very much, I still love my ex and he still loves me but that isn't always enough! Never ever setlle sweetie, you are way too good for that! We are here with hugs and shoulders when you need it!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:12am
No, Bennie - not harsh at all. Thank you very much. I really like what you said.

Hugs, Julie

 

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:14am
Okay, now you guys guys are making me CRY, lol!!

You are right, Love isn't just enough. There has to be so much more!!!

And if he isn't willing to give - maybe he doesn't love me ENOUGH.

Thanks Lori.....

Hugs, Julie

 

Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 12:52pm
I don't think it is an issue of not loving you enough. He loves you exactly in the way he knows how to love and that might be restricted by his rigid ways! He could love you with his whole heart but that might not be compatable withwhat you think love is, ie commitment, marriage, family. I think that was really the case with my ex. He has never had unconditional, pure love in his life, even with his family, there were always conditions or strings. So I think they way he loves me is all he can possibly give and I need and desire so much more than that. I live with perfect love, my family gives me that each and every day! I am blessed to know I can love fully and freely and so are you! It is a shame other people can't open up and see the possibilities when that love enters their lives! Hang in there sweetie, we got your back!

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 9:16pm
Julie, though I don't think anyone has met in person from this board, I get this sense that we are a group of caring people here and we do care about you. So yes, of course, we are interested in how things are going for you. Everyone is here to support you and try to help in any way we can. You have been there supporting us many, many times.

I think it's great that you and your b/f went to a therapy session together. I think that in a way it shows that he is making an effort. No one really knows the details of your relationship like you do and no one can really tell you what's the best thing to do. However, I think that your therapist, being an unbiased outsider, may be able to see things in your relationship that you don't. If you agree with her impression on your relationship with your boyfriend, then maybe it is a good ideato do some serious thinking about whether to continue on this way. I'm sure your b/f has good qualities, but I have always thought relationship should be give and take and if he's doing all the taking, then it's not fair to you. If he doesn't show respect for your feelings or concerns, and is rigid, that can be very difficult on you. You deserve happiness too. I think things happen for a reason, so there's a reason for why you are going through this. Whatever you decide, I'm sure that things will work out for the best.

Anyway, please don't hesitate to post whatever concerns you have or whatever is on your mind. I'm always interested in how you are doing.

Hugs,

Andrea

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 9:39am
Thanks Andrea, you are always so sweet...

Hugs, Julie

 

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Registered: 06-30-2001
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 9:55pm
Gosh Julie,

This is a major life changing event....don't beat yourself up over being distracted. It's natural. It's hard to find the right words to make you feel better but I hope you know that one day this will all be behind you and you'll be living a good life. Right now it probably feels like you're forever stuck in this shaky situation. Sigh!

You know, life is always throwing you curve balls. I know this isn't anything compared to what you're going through but I went to the dentist today and I need a root canal. OUCH!!!!!!! You will not believe I cracked my tooth eating cereal. I swear that cereal felt like a tiny pebble in my mouth!! UGH! So, I was sooo bummed because I really have a fear of the dentist and getting a root canal scares the S*&% out of me!

Okay, so back to you....(sorry I just had to vent about that)....hang in there and please make a decision that is BEST FOR YOU!...not him, or your friends, or your family. Think about yourself and what you need to be happy. Do you want to continue with him?? Will you accept his not being ready for marriage right now?? Do you think therapy can help him as much as it helps you?? It's so easy for me and everyone else to say...do this or do that, but ultimately the decision has to come from deep inside of you.

Julie, I wish you all the best in the world. Take a deep breath.....and take it one step at a time. I've been in your shoes so I know what you're going thru. There is light at the end of the tunnel.. :)

You're in my prayers,

Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:05am
Paula, thanks so much. You are right, I can't worry about what ANYONE else thinks. Ahh, hopefully I'll figure out what is right for ME.

Sorry to hear about your tooth, OUCHIE :( Cereal? What's up with that? Maybe you can do something... send the company your dental bill - maybe they'll send you some $$ ;)

Thanks again hon!

Hugs, Julie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:46pm
Yes, you will figure it all out.....in time. I can remember times when I was faced with something and I always felt like my head was in the clouds, like I didn't know the answer to it and it was frustrating. We all want a solution right NOW...waiting is tough, I know but have faith that it will come one day.

Yes, can you believe it? It was Honey Bunches of Oats and yes I am writing to them. What an awful experience. Now, I'm wondering if the dentist just wants to make $$. Why won't they just pull it out. Yes, I'll be without a tooth but it won't be as time consuming or as expensive. The time is an issue for me because my boss gave me heat over my time away from the office when I got my crown (2 office visits and about 4 hrs.) a few months ago. She'll flip out when I tell her I'm having a root canal, which is 3 office visits and about 5-6 hrs. UGH!!!

Take care Julie!

Hugs,

Paula

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