More advice on BF (long, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
More advice on BF (long, sorry)
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 11:29am
Yep, more from me on this old horse!

My BF decided to work 7 hours on Saturday. Saturday night we had a b-day party to go to. (Of course I HAD to pay exactly MY PART of the bill at the restaurant... even though BF is working 20 hours OT a week & making lots of cash....SIGH!)

On to Sunday. I had a bridal shower from noon - 3pm. Immediately he just HAS to make plans to hang out with his friend John). All I asked was that this guy NOT be hanging out at our house when I got home, because I wanted to change & relax & watch TV.

What happens? I'm leaving the bridal shower & have a voice mail from my BF, saying "oh we are going bike riding - and then we are having a BBQ at our place - so John will be over when you get home. Just to let you know". I mean - what the heck? Not even an "I'm sorry but....." Don't my feelings matter?

I get home & they're there - the TV is blasting, etc. Then my BF informs me that they are going out for the night too. Basically - he didn't really spend any time with me this past weekend. But he spent 10 hours with John. He and John talk every day, or every other day on the phone. And see each other a lot.

Maybe I'm a little jealous ? Maybe I just think it's an odd relationship?? Like - they are teenagers & that bothers me ? But I also feel he doesn't take my feelings into consideration about anything, ever. And geez - could he have maybe squeezed in an hour of alone time for me this weekend????

This John guy is a loser. He is 35 years old, DEEEEEEP in debt, lives in his parent's basement. He meets girls in Chat Rooms & has sex with different ones all the time (oh, and he emails my BF pics of these girls in various stages of undress). He's very immature. He hasn't had a girlfriend in about 8 years. It's all of these things combined that make him ICKY to me. But - my BF loves him & will defend him to the end. Honestly if I told my BF how I really feel, he would freak out & be so angry. This guy has been my BF's best friend since they were 15. And - my BF's ONLY friend. He has cultivated NO new friendships since High School.

Oh geeeez, I'm sorry this got so long. I'm just really spending a lot of time thinking everything through with my BF, and I get INVALUABLE wisdom from you ladies here.

Anyway - if you made it through this long post - I thank you very much.

If I'm just being a silly little girl w/jealousy issues, feel free to say so, LOL!!!

Hugs, Julie


Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 12:21pm
I don't think you are being silly at all! You made a specific point of saying you wanted no guests Sunday when you got home and yet your bf ignored that! Not fair to you at all! Yeah, he lives there too and can have guests but you made a specific request that he ignored, I would have been peeved too if I were you!

I had a lot of issues with my ex about his friends, his best friend in particular. He used to defend him no matter what her did, everything he did had an excuse! His friend was very antisocial so if we went out with a group, hewouldn't talk to anyone. He had even been invited to parties at my brohter's house and would walk in and not even say hi to my sister inlaw! The last straw with me trying to be nice to him was an event all of my friends and I were going to, the ex had to invite this guy. Well, it was like aw ine/beer tasting thing and we were in along line. Friend says it is stupid to wait, we can get in another line, I say "Why don't you get in another line if you want, we want ot try this one" and his repsonse was "Well, why don't you go F&*k yourself". Now, ex still defended his friend! Andlike you, this guy was ex's only "real" friend and it was so frustrating! But looking back, it should have been a red flag to me. Ex had a horrible time maintaining friendships or communicating with people he knew and it wasn't any differnet with me.

So I babbled, huh? Just wanted to let you know that men should have their own network of friends, they should have people in their lives that they ccan count on, your bf needs to establish some friends, have an independent life. He also needs to understand that when you are in a serious relationship, you need to consider your SO's feelings, even if it means at times telling your so claled best friend no! I know you are going through so much, I hope you are hanging in there!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 12:22pm
I don't think you are being a silly girl. It sounds like both of these guys need to grow up some. Maybe the fact that this other guy hasn't grown up much (if at all) is the reason your boyfriend keeps him as a friend. It justifies the fact that he hasn't grown up much either. I'm sure your BF will say he (himself) has grown up if you were to compare him to his friend, but from what you've described it sounds like they both want to stay at the age of 15 but with their jobs/money of today.

I can only imagine what it must have been like to want to relax after the bridal shower only to find them sitting at your home watching TV. One other thing that sounds frustrating is paying for your dinner knowing your BF was getting mucho overtime and not offering to pay for your dinner. I was frustrated just reading about that so again, I can only imagine how you felt.

Little by little it sounds like you are getting fed up with your BF and since you are still living together I'm sure he thinks this relationship will go on and on forever the way it currently is happening. Until you make some sort of move I don't think he will change his ways. It sounds like he's happy with the arrangement just the way it is.

I'm not sure what else to say except I hope you are feeling better today and that he somehow makes it up to you.



<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microso

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 1:16pm
Thanks Lori... wow, it's interesting that you had a similar situation.

And yeah, darn it - it's BOTH of our home. I never say that I don't want him over. I tolerate him really well actually. He's actually very nice to me... I just don't think very highly of him, that's all. But I am very cordial to him.

So - yeah, thanks for helping me to not feel bad about him not regarding my wishes.

Hugs, Julie


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-30-2003 - 1:21pm
Thanks Ben.. again, it feels good to know I'm right to feel this way about stuff.

Yeah - they DO seem to live in the past. I swear, it's like they are still in HS - down to the way they dress.

And when we got the bill on Saturday night, I was just like "ggeeeeez, give me a break". Actually - He ended up paying for part of mine, because I didn't have change for him, so HA! But yes, he is making quite a bit of overtime pay - therefore not being home much.. but there's no benefit to me. I just end up walking the dog more, eating dinner alone, etc. It's not fair.

If I do ask him to move out - which I think is going to happen after I get just a bit more $$$ in the bank - he'll probably want to split every single thing down to the penny.

Ok - I'll stop now, haha!

Thanks again, Julie