Needing to Cope with my Life Better
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|Tue, 07-01-2003 - 10:13am|
This is my first time on this board and I've read a few posts. Please bear with me, because I'm feeling kinda down right now and wondering what the heck is wrong with me. My life is blessed in many ways and my faith is strong. This may sound whiny but really it's venting.
Am really wondering what the heck is wrong with me. It feels like I'm not managing my life well right now at all and I wonder how others seems to have it all together and are in better control of their lives.
I believe the thing that adds much to my depression is my job. It's not the job, it's working 11pm -7:30 am and having to work weekends. I truly Hate working this shift for a couple of reasons. #1, it is not normal for your body and I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of fighting my body clock. The past 2 nights I've called in sick to work, basically because of exhaustion/depression. The other piece is working this shift- one feels as if you're always trying to fit your screwed up schedule into the "normal" world.
For example, Sat. night I'd worked and slept from 10:00am - 2:30pm and got up and dressed to go to a birthday barbecue. The party had actually started @1:00 and my son was already there. My husband waited for me to get ready and we arrived together. I'd complained to him - saying "How would you feel if you had to get up @2:00 in the morning to go to a function?" and he said he never really thought of it like that. And someone made a comment about my being late. Hey, it was the best I could do- to get there when I did.
I feel like I can never get my act together. On my nights off, I enjoy being up during the day and sleeping @night. It is a treat.
I've been in school part time since May 27th in order to change careers. Am not going to spend the rest of my life working nights and weekends. Don't know how other people do it but obviously some people are okay with it- after all the money is good and the benefits and many people work lots of overtime. That's just not me.
Am going to school to become a nail technician. My husband supports me in whatever I choose to do. The nail industry is booming and nail techs are in high demand. One of the instructors told us when job hunting we could basically write our own ticket. If one only wanted to work 3 days per week- there's a salon that would hire you. All the women who have graduated since I've been @ school have all gotten jobs even before they graduated and took their state boards. Average starting salary is about $30,000.
Members of my family have scoffed at this choice. My father in particular and my mother laughed because I used to bite my nails for years. (ha- since I've been in school I've been "shamed" into letting them grow.) This was a difficult choice for me to venture out and try something new where I don't have the most confidence in myself. Fear of failing.
Sometimes I've felt really good going into school and other times felt insecure. I practiced so much @home doing manicures that when we had to do a mani in front of the instructor- she said we were ready to do work on real clients. Thing is- last week there was another graduation Thurs. night and we didn't have class really and Friday I was not @school due to daycare problem. Guess I am just nervous about starting out. Plus I am not good with math, handling money, and there is going to come a time when I'm going to be learning the cash register...
I hate this voice that tells me I'm not going to be able to do this. The voice that beats me up.
Have been treated for depression for 2 years now. Have not had my prozac refilled in 2 days but have been taking the wellbutrin. Am sure not taking prozac has caused some of this.
A big cause of concern and worry is over my 12 year old son. He is also being treated for depression. He was hospitalized over a year ago. He has been in therapy and I don't really think they've been doing much for him. He did poorly last quarter in school and he is struggling w/his weight. We've been having trouble in the disipline department. He talks back and has raised his voice to my husband and I. He seems to get really mad over unneccessary stuff. Like how he "hates" his sister's friends- but that is no excuse for being rude towards anyone.
There was an incident recently where we'd gone to a lake w/my girlfriend and her 2 children plus my daughter(10 years old) has 2 friends with her as well. My son was just being very negative and confrontational. He wouldn't change into his bathing suit because of the other people. His sister and friends were on the swings and my girlfriend came over to me and told me he was causing trouble. He was threatening the girls. I couldn't believe it. My friend told me another mother had told her child they needed to leave and this was due to my son's behavior. It is just not right and I don't understand why the therapist isn't getting to the bottom of this.
My daughter does very well in school and doesn't have a weight problem.
It feels like there is never enough time and I don't know what to do first. Am sure everyone feels like this.
I really I am stressed out over my son because I feel like I'm failing him. Every month I take off from work when I have pms. It is ridiculous. I wonder if I should ask my dr. about changing meds.....
Sorry so long. Just feeling lost.