Newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Newbie
3
Wed, 07-02-2003 - 4:14pm
I am a 36 year old divorced, single mom. My daughter is 5. I do shared custody with an active alcoholic. I went through a horrendous divorce in October 2001. My father is an alcoholic and abused me, all my boyfriends were basically my father recreated. As was my ex-husband.

I got myself involved (via personal ads) with a 22 year old youth pastor, who is newly diagnosed bipolar, back in January 2002. We chatted for awhile, went out in June 2002, then he moved 8 hours away. We started talking on the phone in December 2002 (he got my number one morning when we were chatting online). He must have been "manic" because he called non-stop for months. Then, everything started crumbling in late March, April. It started back up again in May - with him calling, calling, calling (manic again?) and I went to visit him. Disaster. He is so back and forth it makes my head spin - yet he turns EVERYTHING around on me and refuses to take responsibility for anything. After my visit he stopped calling and I got upset and sent some emails telling him so. He backed off even more and accused me of being the problem. I told him today I will let him go.

I just need a support group to help me not beat myself up. Thanks for listening. I am in therapy and it's helping but I would like some "online friends" too.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: morgyandme
Thu, 07-03-2003 - 8:45am
hello Susan and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us.

Sorry you've been through the mill w/men. But - congrats for being strong enough to move on w/your life... it must have been very hard on you going through the divorce.

This young man of 22, well - you are probably better off without him. I don't know him (or you)...but he sounds a bit immature for you. I'm not one to say that "age matters"... I have friends of all ages. But - friendships and relationships should nurture us, not cause us grief. So - I think you did the right thing.

We are here for you.... so please feel free to post anytime okay?

Hugs, Julie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: morgyandme
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 3:36am
Hi Susan.

I can understand your experience. I have a freind who is bipolar. The sad thing is that when they fluctuate between their manic and depressive episodes they really can't control their behavior. The catch-22 is that because they have periods where they can't control their behavior when they are doing better they don't really take responsibity for what happened during their manic episodes because it is part of their illness. The only thing that they can take responsibility for is seeking treatment to help manage their illness. Is your friend in treatment for his illnes? If he is seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis and is he taking his medication consistenly?

You may not know the answer to these questions, but based on your desrciption of your friend's behavior it sounds like either he isn't seeing a doctor or he isn't taking his medication. If this is the case then it would really difficult to have him continue to be a part of your life because his behavior will always remain out of control. The thing to remember is that his behavior is not a result of his age and immaturity, it is a result of his illness, and unless he complies with his treatment, his behavior is not something that he is going to grow out of.

There are plenty of mature responsible 22 year olds, if you happen to find one of them, go for it.

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: morgyandme
Fri, 07-04-2003 - 1:41pm
First I think you do need to eliminate him & all destructive people from your life. You see the pattern & the best thing you can do is be a role midel for your daughter so that she does not repeat the patterns. This 22 year old needs tro take his meds & you are not responsible for him. He has to take responsibility for himself & that is not up to you.

Please try & focus on your daughter. She needs you now more than ever. Have you tried Al-Anon?

I know you have needs but try & realize what actions might be affecting her.

Funbiz