Can't seem to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Can't seem to move on
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 10:09am

Where to begin... Alright, in a nutshell. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. We have been living together since September and the living together part has been smooth. Here's the problem, I can't get over his ex. Last year, when my b/f and I started dating, I had just gotten my divorce final (after being separated for a year), and he was breaking up with his ex of over 10 yrs. Well, his ex payed us a visit one night at our hangout bar last year in August. I met her for the first time, and it was a shock. The first meeting she was relatively nice. She told me she came by to make sure things were over for good, etc. He told her they were. All three of us talked it out. And it seemed clear where we all stood.

Well for the next 3 months after that, I couldn't shake her image out of my head or my thoughts. She called me two more times after that trying to bad mouth my boyfriend, and telling me whatever she could to make me not like him. She wasn't the same person I had met a couple of nights ago. Her attempts didn't work. However, I still worried about her. My self-esteem suffered, and I kept on worrying about her. My b/f kept trying to reassure me not to worry, but he too got tired of proving his love for me for 3 months straight. (I gave him the 3rd degree EVERY SINGLE DAY, I checked up on him, I questioned him constantly). I wasn't the same person that I was with him before I met her. Anyhow. He had a slip up in Dec, and ended up sleeping with her. I thought about it long and hard if I should give it another chance... I had talked with my counselor... Of course I can't write every detail of what happened... but my counselor agreed with me that even though it does take two to cause something, my possessiveness, jealousy, and neediness had a strong impact on his transgression.

I confronted my b/f and after we talked it out I decided to give him one chance. Here's where we are now.... He still talks to her once in a while (once every week and half), and tends to the pond that is in the backyard (coy fish) (when the weather permits, maybe once a week). They have a old 12 yrd-old sick dog that my b/f has had since the dog was a puppy... so she contacts him to tell him how the dog is doing, etc. He in no way cancels plans with me or goes out of his way to see his ex. He lets me know when he went by there. When I asked him how she was doing. He told me she was ok, and that she has her own life. One day (about 3 weeks ago) he told me that she talked to him about the guy she was seeing and asked for some advice from him, he followed up by telling me she's been seeing this guy for 6 mos. I myself ask MY ex for advice on my current b/f. The ironic thing is, everything my b/f does or talks with his ex... I do the same with my ex. The problem is I can't STAND his ex. And him and my ex get along. I trust my b/f, but I DON'T trust her! My thought is that I don't need to worry anymore, but it's nearly 1 year ago since I first met her and I still can't let the image I have of her go! With this pond he maintains (because it's his responsibility, and we can't transfer the pond to us because we are in an apt), will I EVER get her out of our lives? Oh, the bonus, I'm almost 4 months pregnant...and my hormones definitly can't seem to handle it. I don't know if there's anything I can or can't do about it!

I'm expecting you all to bash me with harsh criticism, so go ahead and give it to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-07-2003 - 3:21pm
Well - my honest opinion. If he cheated on you with her... she needs to be out of the picture. Period.

Heck, if I were you I'd be feeling the same way!

Remaining friendly is one thing - esp. since you are also friends with an ex. But in this case - he should be willing to break ties with her.

The only exception.. being a "dog mom" myself, I would want to know how my sick, old dog is doing too. So maybe something could be worked out on that issue.

He is lucky that you decided to forgive him for his indiscretion. He owes it to you to not see her anymore.

Good luck & hugs, Julie