Depressed at 25? (Long message)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Depressed at 25? (Long message)
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 10:38pm
Hey everyone!!!

I am 25 years old and beginning my second year in graduate school. Since last summer, I cannot seem to shake my on and off feelings of depression and worthlessness. My current BF and I have been together almost a year. At first, it seemed like we were great together. We even moved in together a month ago. However, I get the feeling that he is not really that happy. Therefore, causing me to feel pretty down myself.

See, I live in a small town and so did he, but he has spent much of his college years partying and hanging out with a group of people in a big city. He has been out of college for almost 3 years now. When I met him last year, he would still drive into the city on occassion for concerts and other things. His friends have moved on with their lives and he longer is in contact with them. He also had a falling out with a few other friends that also lived in the city. But, since I met him, the city is all he talks about, like it's the greatest thing in the world. On some levels, I understand, especially since most of his college memories revolve around his friends. On other levels, it makes me annoyed because I don't feel as if I live up to what they were as far as partying and club hopping.

Also, up until a couple months ago, he would berate the idea of living in a small town, complaining that there is just nothing to do in one. Then, surprise!, he asked me to move in together. See, I go to school and live about an hour from where he lived. However, his job is in the same town that I live in now. It made sense, to be closer to his job, but further away from the big city life. You can see how confused I was! And I get so depressed sometimes because I don't think he's that happy here. For example, we headed up to the city for fireworks. This weekend, we both want to go see a movie and go to dinner. Where else? The city, of course. It's like he despises staying in my small town where you can see the exact same movie and have dinner. Again, I feel so depressed, like I just don't live up to what he's used to and it puzzles the life out of me that he would want to live and work here. Part of me thought I sort of won him over, but I'm just not so sure. Why in the world would you move here, then?????

His mother tells me that he is happy and that he loves our house, but that I need to stand up for myself. If he loves me, then he should be able to listen to me and I shoulnd't have to make a big deal out of what I want. When I suggest alternatives for going out, he seems upset and let down as if he's mad because he can't have his way. And there are other things that really make me mad. For example, if a concert comes up in the city that he just has to go see, and I'm not available to go or dont' want to, he seems let down and then he'll find another way to go. And he usually asks his friend, a girl to go with him. Although I've met her at the beginning of our relationship, she continues to think I don't like her even though I've done nothing unkind to make her think I hate her. I've been cheated on before and it irritates me that does always have to go to these concerts and why with this girl? And why couldn't he just do something different with me? Any help would be appreciated...


Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 8:37am
Hi Scarlett. I am sorry you feel so sad and feeling so bad. But it seems like a lot of what you wrote had to do with how your bf feels. You "think" he isn't very happy, and seems like you are letting it effect you! Your bf's happiness really isn't your responsibility! The only thing you can do is to make yourself happy, to make you rlife what you want it to be, if this guy fits into that, then great! And if not, then you can change who you are or what you want for someone else! Maybe you bf just still needs some time to adjust to small town life but you should talk to him about it. It can be very emotionally draining to try to make yourself responsibile for someone elses happiness, you can only be responsible for your own!

I hope you can find a way to talk to him, to see what you both can do to work on the relationship and make it better and to find happiness! Hope you stick around the board, the ladies here are great!