New to Boards

Avatar for ann7119
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
New to Boards
2
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 9:07am
Hi, I have come to iVillage from time to time but this is the first time I have posted anything. I have been reading some posts and it seems like everyone here is so nice and so willing to offer advice. I sure could use some, or maybe I just need someone to listen. I have always been a very guarded person and one that my friends confide in, but I have never been able to confide in them. Maybe because they always come to me with problems and I don't want to "burden" them with mine. So I guess in this instance I feel a little better sharing things with strangers.

Anyway, my issue is with my mom. My mom and I have always had a great relationship and been very close. However, I am having trouble dealing with my life now because of this. She is unhappy with work, her current marraige, her health... Well, she calls to vent to me all of the time. Sometimes she is just so angry with things and sometimes she calls me crying. She apologizes for dumping on me, but says that she can't talk to her friends because they wouldn't understand. So I just listen. I want to help her but don't know how. It brings me down sometimes because if I am having a good day and then she calls I feel guilty for being happy when she feels so bad or not being able to help her feel better. I also worry about her health. It isn't the best and I know that the stress in her life is not helping. So she needs to vent to help that. There are times when I just want to be away from her like go shopping on the weekend by myself, but she almost lays a guilt trip if I want to go without her. So I usually just go on my lunch hour to avoid any type of conflict. She claims she never sees me, which is not true. I have 2 brothers but they both live out of state, so I am left here to deal with all of it. Sometimes I just sit at home and wish things were different. I feel like I always have the need to fix things for people, but I guess in the end I know I can't.

Well, thanks for letting me vent.

Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: ann7119
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 10:15am
Ohh, Ann - welcome to the board.

What a tough situation for you hon. I know exactly what you are going through, I know someone who is going through the EXACT same thing.

I'm close to my mom and I'd do anything for her, you know? At the same time, we have to have our own lives too. Yeah, easier said than done. But it really needs to be done. You need to take a deep breath, and sit down & talk to Mom.

Tell her how much you love her, but that you really need to have some of your own time too. Especially on the weekends. Please don't feel guilty about it either. No matter what, you DESERVE it. Sure - be there for Mom when she really needs you (needs help with something, needs a ride to the doctor)... and also, do some fun stuff with her, SOMETIMES.

Mom probably wants you to be happy, more than anything in the world. And she probably doesn't realize how her actions are affecting you. Moms are people too, and they are capable of taking their children for granted sometimes.

You can love mom with all your heart, but not let her run your life. So - try to muster the courage & do it. She may seem a bit angry, or taken aback at first... but you need to do this for YOU!!

Hugs, Julie



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ann7119
Sun, 07-13-2003 - 3:05am
Hi Ann.

I know that you're concerned about your Mom and that you want to help her as much as possible. Although it might seem difficult at first, but the best thing that you might do for your Mom is to encourage her to see a therapist or counselor. A therapist can do the one thing that you really don't have the power to do. Instead of just passively listening which you as her daughter you feel compeled to do, a therapist can actively help your Mom to identify her problems and to work out possible ways that she can resolve her problems or positively change her life. As for her health you can actively encourage her to see her doctor on a regular basis and encourage her to follow her doctor's recommendations. To spend time with her you might suggest specific acivities that you are going to do with her and let her know when you need to spend time alone or with your friends. To provide support you might choose a time that you call her each day or several times a week to let her know that you are concerned about her, but create a situation that helps you to feel more in control about if and when you talk to her. That way she can trust that you are concerned about her welfare and knows that you will make yourself available to provide her with support on a regular basis.

The important thing is that you involve several people in helping your mother, her doctor and her counselor, so that you don't feel overburdened and become burntout with trying to help her by yourself. Both you and you mother deserve to live healthy positive lives.

Hope this helps.

Renee