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|Wed, 07-16-2003 - 6:39pm|
I'm really struggling this past week. Friday night, I was about ready to give up, and just end the limbo with my boyfriend (we're on a break, he's kinda dating someone else, not sure of what he wants)... so I started to make plans with an ex-friends with benefits guy, just to get to him, and see if he really even had feelings for me anymore. I did it in a really low moment, and the guy started telling me things like "he's controlling you" and that it sounded like an abusive realtionship. Instead of going off at the guy, I went off at my boyfriend, and ended up acting just like the weak person I was a year ago, where I let people direct how I think and feel.
All of that changed because of my boyfriend, because I wasn't searching for someone to tell me what to do anymore. I had found the person I wanted to be strong for, so I began to make myself strong. And he started telling me that he was starting to think I hadn't changed after all. Which really hurt, partially because I'm afraid he's right. I tried to explain that I have trouble with the idea of abusive relationships, because my first boyfriend was verbally abusive. I told him more in detail about that, but he doesn't seem to really understand.
Anyway, my self esteem has been suffering, because I've been so ready to give up, and I can't stop thinking about how this girl must be so much better than I am, that he's willing to give up almost a year long relationship, a kitten we got together, and our family cell phone plan (we're keeping the plan, but I just pay him each month). I'm so unhappy, and I really want to just throw in the towel at times. But then.... we talked for six hours Sunday. Didn't get very far, but it kinda convinced me to end it. Monday we didn't talk at all, and I was pretty convinced, but I figured I'd wait until later in the week, so that I wasn't making the decision all on emotion. Then last night... we flirt, he invited me out for Friday (if it actually happens, I'll be very happy), we start doing all kinds of sexual innuendos. Then, as I'm dropping the kitten off for the night, we're talking, and she calls, so he tells me I'd better go. :( Today.... we flirted over text messages, same sexual innuendos, and then he drops a bomb on me, reminding me that he's not like "him" (the ex-FWB guy), otherwise he'd think about it.
I feel so low right now. That really hurt. Because first of all, it was flirting, and I have put myself in the situation of sleeping with an ex before, and I never want to again. But the fact that he doesn't believe that I was kidding... it makes me feel like maybe he's right. Maybe I haven't changed.... Since she's younger, cuter, and according to him, a lot of fun.... I'm not good enough, and he doesn't want me anymore. *sigh* I just hurt so bad, because I'm so afraid he's right. I want more than anything to be strong enough to know he's not, and I'm not the same person I was..... but if I'm questioning it.... *sigh*
Sorry this got so long, and I know it's somewhat off topic, but I feel like he thinks I'm a slut, and a horrible person, when I just want to be confident that those days are the dark days in my past, and I've moved on. :(
Thanks for reading this. :-\