Struggling :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Struggling :(
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 6:39pm
This might be long, and it might not all relate to this board, but I needed to get it out.

I'm really struggling this past week. Friday night, I was about ready to give up, and just end the limbo with my boyfriend (we're on a break, he's kinda dating someone else, not sure of what he wants)... so I started to make plans with an ex-friends with benefits guy, just to get to him, and see if he really even had feelings for me anymore. I did it in a really low moment, and the guy started telling me things like "he's controlling you" and that it sounded like an abusive realtionship. Instead of going off at the guy, I went off at my boyfriend, and ended up acting just like the weak person I was a year ago, where I let people direct how I think and feel.

All of that changed because of my boyfriend, because I wasn't searching for someone to tell me what to do anymore. I had found the person I wanted to be strong for, so I began to make myself strong. And he started telling me that he was starting to think I hadn't changed after all. Which really hurt, partially because I'm afraid he's right. I tried to explain that I have trouble with the idea of abusive relationships, because my first boyfriend was verbally abusive. I told him more in detail about that, but he doesn't seem to really understand.

Anyway, my self esteem has been suffering, because I've been so ready to give up, and I can't stop thinking about how this girl must be so much better than I am, that he's willing to give up almost a year long relationship, a kitten we got together, and our family cell phone plan (we're keeping the plan, but I just pay him each month). I'm so unhappy, and I really want to just throw in the towel at times. But then.... we talked for six hours Sunday. Didn't get very far, but it kinda convinced me to end it. Monday we didn't talk at all, and I was pretty convinced, but I figured I'd wait until later in the week, so that I wasn't making the decision all on emotion. Then last night... we flirt, he invited me out for Friday (if it actually happens, I'll be very happy), we start doing all kinds of sexual innuendos. Then, as I'm dropping the kitten off for the night, we're talking, and she calls, so he tells me I'd better go. :( Today.... we flirted over text messages, same sexual innuendos, and then he drops a bomb on me, reminding me that he's not like "him" (the ex-FWB guy), otherwise he'd think about it.

I feel so low right now. That really hurt. Because first of all, it was flirting, and I have put myself in the situation of sleeping with an ex before, and I never want to again. But the fact that he doesn't believe that I was kidding... it makes me feel like maybe he's right. Maybe I haven't changed.... Since she's younger, cuter, and according to him, a lot of fun.... I'm not good enough, and he doesn't want me anymore. *sigh* I just hurt so bad, because I'm so afraid he's right. I want more than anything to be strong enough to know he's not, and I'm not the same person I was..... but if I'm questioning it.... *sigh*

Sorry this got so long, and I know it's somewhat off topic, but I feel like he thinks I'm a slut, and a horrible person, when I just want to be confident that those days are the dark days in my past, and I've moved on. :(

Thanks for reading this. :-\


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 11:44am
Lisa, It's time to (clap, clap) pump you up! You are worthy of finding someone who is just like you, someone who apreciates you. Always keep this in mind, you can't be everything to everyone. This whole thing with him isn't about you at all. He wants different things, so what. Stick your chest out so to speak, stand tall and say, "so what".

Look at it this way, it's not like you are going to marry this guy, so what's the point "fighting" for him. If he is looking else where then it's time to move on anyway or at least take some time out. This is where many women make the mistake and think that no other guy will want them or there's no body else out there. Trust me, just when you least expect it, someone really great will be there.

This is actually a GREAT opportunity for you. Replace your time with HIM with SOMETHING else. Go to the gym a little more, buy some new CD's and dance and clean your house or go shopping and buy some paint and new decor to dress up your home. All the while telling yourself that you ARE fun to be with. Don't you think? You are fun to be around so be your own best friend for a few weeks then start getting out with friends and you will be happy that you took time off.

A common "human" problem (pshychy problem), we always want what we can't have. Everyone does this. So you just think you want him 'cuz he's with her-the other girl. Lisa, it's his loss! Right? So what, you HAVE a life; just move on. You won't be lonely 'cuz you will be so busy and besides, guys are wonderful and we can't have a full life without them, but you don't have to be with them every day; especially Mr. Not Right.

This is a signal or a time for you to build your confidence, stop obsessing about the two of them. If he comes around then maybe that's good, maybe you will figure out after a break that it's not a great thing. Most important thing to remember, you are worth finding a person who makes you happy! Don't sit and wait and worry about him, just go and have some fun doing things for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 2:13pm
Oh Lisa - I'm sorry you are going through this stuff. It stinks! It's all messy & confusing... ugh. I'll bet most, if not all of us, can share alot of your feelings at one time or another in our lives.

Okay - as far as this ex/non-ex Boyfriend.. well, I think he is enjoying the attention from you. But he is toying with you - asking you out, flirting, then putting you down, then talking about how great his new GF is... It's just not good for you (or anyone!)

Breaking up is SO HARD. And it's easy to want to go back to the guy, even just out of lonliness. Seems always seem greener on the other side of the fence. But he's made it clear that he wants to see other people. Who knows - he may realize that he wants to be with YOU after all of this, for good. There's no magical way to tell.

But - he is hurting you right now. And I know it's tempting to try & make him jealous with your FWB (somehow, we think that they will come running back after seeing that we can be with other men).

What right does he have to say "reminding me that he's not like "him" (the ex-FWB guy), otherwise he'd think about it." He is trying to make you feel bad. He's dating someone else & he's having all of this sexual conversation with you? What makes him think he is so much better ???

It might do you some good to have some distance from him. Yes - I know, It's not easy. But you have to try. Don't be at his beck & Call. Make plans with friends, family, or even just with yourself (shopping, manicure, taking a drive or a movie).

Don't think that a little relapse of the "old you" means anything. It happens to EVERYONE.

I don't know if I've helped at all, but honestly I feel your pain. I hope you can feel better about all of this.

Hugs, Julie


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 10:49am
Thanks for your advice. It really helped me see that I need to do what I should have done before. This weekend, I'm going to put an end to the break. I wrote him a long letter that I'm going to give him, and it helped.

Now I just need to use this time to heal, and make myself the strong person I've wanted to be.

Thanks again, it helped a lot. Especially knowing that a relapse happens to everyone. I felt so weak after that. I just wish there was a way to show him that, and that other people go through self destruct periods, maybe not the same way I did, but they do. But I know now that I'm doing this for me, and for my sanity. Maybe he'll come back, and maybe he won't. Right now, I don't want to date anyone else, but maybe that will change. *sigh*