How Do I Cope??
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|Sat, 07-19-2003 - 4:28am|
Ok, let's start here.
I am a 32 yr old, divorced mom of 1. Presently, I am struggling with trying to lose weight and since February I have lost a total of 25 lbs. (Yes, this is an accomplishment I am extremely proud of =) )
However, I went from being a young, slender, popular, attractive early 20s something to marrying an extremely verbally abusive man who suffered from manic depression. I was never a conceited person although I was confident. After divorcing my husband, I was just a shell of my former self. My self esteem took a major "sh!t kicking" and I came out of the divorce feeling I have failed miserably. I remained single for 6 yrs after the divorce....3 1/2 years by choice. During those 3 1/2 years, I engaged in "casual" relationships because that's all I wanted. I trusted no man.
I went back to school, became more self sufficient and independant. I also quickly landed a really good full time job.
Then one day I was ready to start another serious relationship so I decided to start really dating again. This was a disaster.
For 2 1/2 years, the only men I seemed to meet or attract were either married and wanted a a fling on the side or men who just wanted sex and nothing more. I even had men be really rude to me because of my size. I had gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy and was still carrying it.
A few months ago, I met the most wonderful man. He is nothing like the men I use to date. He's extremely affectionate, caring, thoughtful, doesn't drink much, doesn't do drugs, family oriented, great sense of humour and, most importantly, to me, monogamous and honest.
He totally and completely fell in love with me, no matter my size. He was able to look past my outward appearance (although he's told me many times he finds me very attractive)and fall in love with who I am.
I am very happy.
However, I recently discovered that my perfect sweetheart has a "fetish". Now, I'm a very open minded and easy going woman but because of my low self esteem, I am finding it very hard to cope with his fetish. I found porn on his PC but it's not the porn that's the issue....it's the specifics of the porn that's bothering me.
He seems to have an obsession with women who are very big chested and have small waists. Slender women. Now, I have no where near the bust size these women have, but that's not even the issue. My issue seems to be the fact that his preference is slender women. Something I'm not. I reacted really badly to finding this (it was websites in his history) and we almost broke up over it. He has reassured me that this is just a fantasy for him and the only time he looks at it is when he is feeling "frisky" and I'm not there.
He has also reassured me that he really loves me and finds me physically appealing as well but honestly, I don't understand this. How can he find me, 4'10'', 160lbs, only a C cup, attractive as well as women like that?
I feel like he has settled for me as he use to be a lot more slender, has gained 30 lbs, and has some esteem issues himself but isn't as bad as I am. He even walks around naked in front of me. I am always covering myself up. But, yes...I feel he has settled for me because A. He feels he can't attract the type of woman he REALLY finds attractive. B. He's not getting any younger. and C. He's not getting any richer. See, I am a very accepting person and he's been having some financial struggles so I think he feels that because it's not an issue to me that he's not rich, that it's better than nothing.
I realize that if I don't get help and learn how to deal with my insecurities that it's going to tear us apart and I sooo don't want that. I love him. But how do I handle the feelings of hurt when I see this on his PC? I don't care that he pleasures himself when I am not there or that he looks at porn. But I feel like the porn he does look at, he looks at because I am not attractive enough and he has to "compensate". Does this make any sense?
Can anyone help me? I want to have more self worth. I don't want to get angry or hurt because he is just being a "man". If I didn't have a major hang up with being fat, I know I wouldn't have an issue with the women he seems "addicted" to.
How do I get past this? How do I stop making myself hurt and angry? How do I gain more self esteem.....more confidence? How do I learn to love the way I look, at least, to the point where him looking at another woman won't hurt me?
Sorry for dragging this on. I realize the post is kinda of long. =(