I am a horrible person
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|Sat, 07-19-2003 - 11:51am|
I started fighting with him (based on alcohol, otherwise I would have never done it in public) and ran away to the car. But I couldn't find the car, so I kept walking. When they found me, they brought me home and he and I fought.
I've hit rock bottom. I started telling him to take care of my cat. I started talking about some anti-anxiety pills that I have stashed away from last year (long story). I was scaring him, and he told me that. I don't think I would have taken them if i had found them, because i knew not to mix with alcohol. but I was so tempted. I came so close to taking one or two last night, and just never waking up.
This morning, I don't feel any better. I feel awful about how I acted last night, and i know that i've lost him forever and I don't deserve for him to even talk to me again. but the feeling hasn't gone away that i'd rather die than behave how i did and live my life without him. I'm so scared.
I'm at the bottom. I didn't think I could go any lower, but I'm there. I want to die. I don't want to die, but i think that it's the best way out from all of this pain. it's the easy way to not have to deal with all the pain. I'm so scared. I'm afraid that there will be another night like last night, where I've had a lot to drink and i'll be hurting and I will be coherent enough to find the pills. I know that suicide is the most selfish thing to do. But last night, there was no light. I don't know what to do. I'm so low and i don't know if i can make it through this on my own.