I am a horrible person

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I am a horrible person
5
Sat, 07-19-2003 - 11:51am
Last night, my (now) ex boyfriend (apparently he's been that for weeks now, but i was the only one who didn't realize) and I went to a baseball game with his friends. It was a blast, I got drunk, and kinda made a lot of catty comments to them about what was happening with me and him. They in turn told him, and wanted nothing to do with me.

I started fighting with him (based on alcohol, otherwise I would have never done it in public) and ran away to the car. But I couldn't find the car, so I kept walking. When they found me, they brought me home and he and I fought.

I've hit rock bottom. I started telling him to take care of my cat. I started talking about some anti-anxiety pills that I have stashed away from last year (long story). I was scaring him, and he told me that. I don't think I would have taken them if i had found them, because i knew not to mix with alcohol. but I was so tempted. I came so close to taking one or two last night, and just never waking up.

This morning, I don't feel any better. I feel awful about how I acted last night, and i know that i've lost him forever and I don't deserve for him to even talk to me again. but the feeling hasn't gone away that i'd rather die than behave how i did and live my life without him. I'm so scared.

I'm at the bottom. I didn't think I could go any lower, but I'm there. I want to die. I don't want to die, but i think that it's the best way out from all of this pain. it's the easy way to not have to deal with all the pain. I'm so scared. I'm afraid that there will be another night like last night, where I've had a lot to drink and i'll be hurting and I will be coherent enough to find the pills. I know that suicide is the most selfish thing to do. But last night, there was no light. I don't know what to do. I'm so low and i don't know if i can make it through this on my own.

im scared.

~lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-19-2003 - 10:37pm
Hi,

He's not worth it. I totallly know where you are & decided to giove up drinking/alcohol for my own emotional health.

There is a suicide board & alochol problems board as well.

We women beat ourselves up so well. It ain't worth it.

Funbiz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 1:53am
Hi Lisa.

First things first. If you really think you are in danger of hurting yourself reach out for help. Call a suicide crisis hotline or if you have an uncontrolable urge to hurt yourself go to the nearest hospital emergecy room so that he hospital can admit you and keep you second.

Second if you find the pills THROW them away. Hoarding medication means that in a period of crisis you have easy assess to a means to hurt yourself. For your own well being get rid of the pills as soon as possible. You don't want to have a passive plan know you can always act on when you are feeling lonely and depressed. It is also not a good idea to be drinking right now, because alcohol tends to increase your feelings of depression instead of making you feel beter. Drinking also clouds your thinking and increases the possibility that you will act on destructive impulses. So DON'T drink. It will make you feel worse than you do now.

Third about your boyfriend. You may feel empty and alone right now, but even though you have broken up he seems to care for you as a friend and is concerned about your welfare. It's very difficult to lose someone who was a very important part of your life, but turning your sadness and anger on yourself to the piont that you want to harm yourself is a destructive answer. I know that it's difficult right now and since you have anti-anxiety medication that must mean that you have had psychiatric treatment before. Reaching out for theraputic support is essential in helping you to deal with your feels of emptiness, sadness, and angry. And you are angry that you boyfriend has deserted you, but instead of allowing yourself to express your anger and sadness you are turning it against yourself. No one is worth the price of hurting yourself. Noone is worth more than you are. If you have previously seen a psychiatrist contact your doctor so that she can refer you to a therapist who can give you the help and support that you need right now. If, as you say, you've hit rock bottom a therapsit can help you to find your way out. Don't try to dal with your feelings alone. Reach out for support.

Please take care of yourself and get the help that you need.

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 9:43am
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry you had a bad experience last night. I can't write too much as I'm heading out of town and just wanted to check my e-mail so I stopped in here to see how every is doing. Please seek out a therapist or call a suicide prevention hotline. Every town has a suicide hotline these days. I think most even have a few free therapy sessions to help you out until you find a therapist. Just talk to someone so that they can tell you you are not alone. Don't do anything drastic. He's not worth it. There are plenty of men out there. Right now I know you feel he's the only one for you but you will live even if it is without him in your life.

Please take care of yourself. Make that phone call today.

Hugs,

Ben

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Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 9:58am
Lisa, I know how you feel, I think a lot of women do! But hurting yourself is not the answer! Please seek some help, calla hotline or talk to a professional.

I am about 5 months out from a breakup with my ex and the pain has gotten so much less. I still think about him, still have bad days but in general I know my life is better now than it was when he was in it! I thought I was doomed to a life of unhappiness without him but I realized something, I bring my own happiness! it is foolish to rely on a man to bring the good aspects to you life! You need to happy with who you are and the life you are leading, and then you will find a man who shares that with you, he won't take away from that, he will only add to your life! The first few weeks, even months are hard! But there are so many wonderful things in this life, so many things to be happy about, don't let a guy take that away from you! Please come back whenever you need a shoulder, we are here for you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 2:25pm
Lisa, you are not a horrible person. Oh girl, I have been in your shoes... I've gotten drunk & then did all kinds of stupid things (I'm not calling YOU stupid, just the things that we did when we were drunk ;)

The day after it happens is the worst - I hope you are feeling a little bit better today. If you aren't, I agree with Bennie - please do call someone right away.

But I want to say - you CAN live without him. You did it before he came along. Yes - it will be painful and hard at first. And that's normal. but you will feel better, I promise! Breaking up usually sucks. There's nothing better to be said about it.

If you want to, feel free to email me, okay? froggyfish@hotmail.com

Hugs, Julie