The return of my ex...help me!!!!!

Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
The return of my ex...help me!!!!!
6
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 10:12am
When the phone rings at 2:50am, I expect the worst, so last night when i heard it, my heart stopped and I ran to the phone. It was my ex!!! I thought only women drank and dialed! Well, he was driving to my house, was only a few miles away so I let him come over (he had 2 DUI's, you would think he learned a lesson but no). Why does he show up now, when I am starting ot date again, when i am loving my life, when days go by without me thinking of him? Of course he looked hot as heck, why couldn't he be fat and dumpy??!! Good thing is, I have been working out and looked good too, even for 3am! I told him I wasnt in the mood for a booty call so if that was his intention to forget it! He said he just wanted to see me cause he has been realizing how the only time in his life he has been happy was when he was with me. He said he blew it and he now knows he threw away a chance he never deserved, a chance to be with me and have a great future. He said he missed everything about me, even just being in the same room as me.

Now, the weak mushy girl I used to be would have caved and wimpered on his shoulder. Instead, I told him that I did miss him and did care abou thim but I care much more about me and don't intend to move backwards, I don't intend to allow him to hurt me again. I said if i got hurt, it was because I let it happen and I won't do that! He said he wants to spend time with me and see what can possibly happen, no promises but he really wants to see. I asked if he got his life together and he is far from it. We talked for quite a while and went to sleep, I was in one room, he in another!!

I got to work today and he had left a message apparemtly before he had gone out drinking. It was very matter of fact, no gushy I miss you! So I am trying to decide if the visit was alcohol induced attempt at a little sex with the ex or if it let his guard down and he really misses me. Based on previous experience, I think it is the latter. But really, who cares. right? I do still love him dearly but in the 5 months we have been apart, I have done nothing but enhance my life, he has self destructed!

WHY DID HE HAVE TO CALL OR COME OVER? I know I should have let him take his chances with driving the distance home and not even let him in but I just couldn't let him drive, for his safety and others. I know, not my problem and he is a grown up but despite everythign he did to me, I couldn't let him take a risk last night!

Any advice?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 11:13am
Oh boy. What a tough situation all around.

Well - I think you answered your questions yourself. You have become stronger and grown since the breakup. He hasn't. You know that the relationship wasn't right for you. And you'd be right back in the same old shoes if you got back together.

I commend you for being so strong :) :) Big hug to you!!!! I think this almost always happens when people break up - one always comes back like your ex did. Alcohol just fuels the fire/desire. Haha - I think we've all made that "drunken call to an ex" at least once in our lives.

My only advice is to stick to the mindset you have now. You know what's good for you. Just don't let him weasel his way in by taking advantage of that caring soul of yours. He's had 2 DUI's already? And he's still driving drunk? That's just plain stupidity. Only he can save himself on that one. As hard as it might be - you might have to refuse his visit next time he calls drunk from the road. He needs to learn his lesson - or he may NEVER learn. But that's serious business.

Anyway - keep us posted hon!! Hugs, Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 11:19am
I have always found in my life, when I am not sure as to what to do....do nothing. I think you did well last night. You stood strong to your words and you thought things through, which is not easy at 3 AM. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders so my advice would be to stand firm, do not respond, and just see what happens in the next few days. I believe you will get your answer by his actions instead of his words.

Congrats on being a strong woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 11:42am
I agree with what the other ladies have said. Be strong, try to resist his whining. The 2 DUI's don't sit well with me. What if you were/are in his car one night when he was DUI? He's obviously not matured at all. Have you suggested AA? It sounds like he needs some sort of therapy. If your phone rings again at 2 a.m. can you screen it by listening to your answering machine? Maybe you should let him think you are not home. I suppose if he's drunk I wouldn't want him driving either but maybe you can convince him to call a taxi?

One thing I want to know, has he called you yet today to discuss what happened last night? I'd like to know what he thinks now that he is sober, which I hope by now he is sober.

I'd like to write more but I need to catch up on some work. Stay strong, you've grown so much in the last few months. I'd hate to see you regress.

Hugs,

Ben

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Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 12:27pm
Thanks for your replies ladies, it strengthens my resolve to stay strong on this one! I posted this on another board I participate on and the repsonses were somewhat different. Some people couldn't believe I let him come over, they think I should have let him drive about 25 mins home rahter than the 3 mins it took him to get to my house after the call. Regardless of what happened between us and no matter how stupid he is by drinking and driving, I could not let him drive all that way. If getting stopped by the cops was the only worry, I wouldn't care but someone could have gotten killed and I couldn't let there be that risk.

A condition of his last DUI was alcohol counseling, 16 weeks of it, once a week. The problem with that was, he was in there with hard core alcoholics, with drug abusers. So of course, he could pull the "I am not like them, I don't have a problem" crap. No, he doesn't drink just to drink, he is a social drinker but social drinking can still be a problem. I think he needs to see a therapist, for that issue and others. There is a part of me that still loves him deeply and wants the best of rhim but after 3 years, I learned i can't help him, he needs to help himself. I can try to point him in the right direction but I can't do for him ever again!

And Bennie, you are right, i need to screen my calls. But I ahven't heard from him in a month so when the phone rang, i just grabbed it, didn't even look at my caller id. I was sure someone was in the hospital or an accident or something awful! Never would I have guessed it was him!

Geez, i wish he had gotten fat and maybe bald...hehehe...thanks again ladies, you are always so helpful!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 5:07pm
Remember, this board is about sel-esteem and many women would have crumbled and most certainly ended up sleeping in the same room. When I grow up, I want to be strong like you.

Seriously, it is hard to "know" what is the right thing to do with a big surprise like this one. You pulled it off well, lady. Now, he needs to EARN your relationship if there is one to work on this time. Personally, the drinking thing tells ME that there is something else going on inside of him. He needs to fix himself whatever his "problem" is that caused him to drink in the first place. Your life is going good right now, just keep your distance. Life is complicated enough, personally I wonder why we feel that we should involve ourselves with so called troubled relationships when we are works of art ourselves.

You asked for help here, I suggest that you tell him that the relationship is over. You said it loritemp, your life is going great right now; seriously, do you think this guy would be good for you and improve your life or would he complicate things? The answer will tell you the right thing to do. Just be careful and realize that you are worth taking time with yourself to figure out what you want from a man. Hugs, ~netlady

Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 5:40am
Hi Lori.

I think you can answer yes to all of your questions. Yes he was looking for sex because he is still actracted to you and wanted to have sex without the responsiblity of maintaining a relationship. Yes he was probably expressing what was close to his true feelings about ending your relationship and yes he let his guard down to show his ture feelings. The only trouble is that he had to be drunk to be able to do it. When he sobered up he retreated to his stance of being as unappreciative, immature, and uncaring person that he was before. So all of that is fine if you want to live with a man who is always drunk. If what you want is a caring, mature and sensitive man who is that way not only when he is with you, but that is how the treats anyone who is a part of his life know that if you keep moving forward then one day a man like that will be a part of your lifeyou .

So bolt the door and change your phone number so that you ex can never bother you again. Seriously you have become stronger, more independent and more aware of what you needs are. Your ex is never going to grow into the type of person that you want to have in your life. You recently started to date and you are ready to open yourself to the possibility of starting a new loving relationship. Don't let your ex pull you back to the level of his immaturinty and selfishness. As another comminity member suggested if he does manage to get in touch with you after one of his drinking sprees. Encourage him to to the responsible thing and call a taxi instead of trying to drive. The important thing to remember is that you're not responsible for his life. He is. And even if you let him drive the 3 miles to your house, when you're driving drunk you can still kill someone before you have even driven a mile.

So don't look back. Keep growing and looking ahead.

Renee