Emotionally beat up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Emotionally beat up
3
Fri, 07-25-2003 - 10:07pm
Wow, I guess I am just not having a good week. I feel like I am posting and venting something crazy this week. I have noticed most people post about their BF or DH, but this can't be divorced, or broken up.

Today is our 12th wedding anniversary. DH has to work so we will celebrate tomorrow. Anyway, I took the opportunity this morning to do something different. Instead of getting anniversary cards from friends and family (lol, yeah right). I sat down and composed a poem to both of our families expressing how we appreciate all of the support they have shown us in the past 12 years and we just wanted to say thank you and we love you. This was done with honest feelings and intentions. It was not even remotely sarcastic. It was what it was. I did this via e-mail.

My folks called this evening to tell me that they were sorry they forgot to send us a card or call. And that they were sorry that I had to send them a reminder...??? I laughed and said, it was no reminder it was a thank you. They seemed confused, but accepted my explanation. LOL Out of about 12 thank you's they were the only ones that reacted in this manner.

My older sister is celebrating her 25th anniversary tomorrow night as well, and my parents will be attending the party. She and I do not have anything in common other than our parents, so we do not associate. There is no animosity towards her, just don't like her, plus boredom and different values. My father was quite upset that we were not attending, yet he finds it completely acceptable for my male cousins to have the same relationship, even finds it humorous. His remarks to me were.."why don't you two go and during all of the celebrations you can sit there quietly knowing it is your anniversary too? That way you two can drive us home since it will be dark and I don't see very well in the dark (he's 78)". I couldn't believe he said that, yet I was not surprised. I told my husband yeah that's the way it has always been.....I am to sit quietly and not take any attention away from my sister.

So tonight they topped it off.....they are taking a couple of friends with them to the party because my sister said it was alright because she knew they wanted to show her new house to some of their friends..... They have never brought anyone to my house. I thought OMG, that's something people do in high school when they want to impress their friends.

It's no wonder I am posting in a self-esteem support board. If I had come out of that family raising with any self-esteem it would have been a miracle!! I have two children and cannot imagine being so insensitive to their feelings. Am I the only one that is still being emotionally beat up by my parents into adulthood??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 9:58am
Well, Happy Anniversary!!!

Your family sounds like my DH family. I am reading this and saying to my self, this is us. We are taking it to what some may think is an extreme, we are moving away to a different state. It's not really a problem since we have only been in DH's home state two years and never made any good connections anyway. We have had enough of "sitting quietly" like you. Boy, this knocks me down every single time we HAVE to visit. OMG, I just hate being in the same room with them. It's all about DH's sister. The only way I know how to get away from these sort of demands is to move.

Perhaps this is not a thought that would even enter your mind, but at the very least perhaps you could remain couragous and tell your folks as you have, that you prefer not to socialize too much with your DS. Make this day about you and your DH! You deserve it.

As far as the letter, I think that you were very thoughtful to send the thank you to them. Do you suppose that your timing in sending it however, may have been in the back of your mind a reminder to your folks though? I find it interesting that they were the only ones that took a different slant on the message. Perhaps they feel somewhat guilty??? It is also interesting that you were thinking of others on a day that you should have been more about you. I personally am more selfish than you about these events. There is plenty of research that is written that states people take others for granted, so many are self centered and on your anniversary you are "giving" a piece of yourself to your family. I am curious what you had hoped to gain from your message. It is no doubt a good idea to write such an E-mail because we so seldomly communicate our appreciation and love for family. You have inspired me to do the same. Because of our complicated family dynamics, I need to be careful of words and timing too. People are very quick to find underlying reasons for our actions. You sound like a very loving and giving person, I am sure that your DH can see by your generousity that he married a wonderful woman. Have a great day, but try to focus on yourself and him instead of others on this day. ~netlady

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Sat, 07-26-2003 - 4:45pm
No, by all means you are not the only one that gets emotionally beat up by your parents. I don’t think mine are terrible but there are moments when I think, ‘do you realize how that sounds’ and my self-esteem takes a beating.

Just the other night my parents came over to my new condo. I bought it about 2 months ago. It was BIG move for me and still is. Anyway, I was pointing out one or two things to my parents and I remembered that when my mom comes over with the electrician I want him to look at this outlet, it doesn’t work. My dad said, ‘Gees, you bought a piece of crap.’ Now I know he didn’t mean it that way. He followed it up by saying how when they built this complex they used cheap materials. Believe me, this place is probably built much better than some of the new complexes being built today. My complex is about 40 years old.

Okay, back to your parents. It sounds like your parents favor your sister. That’s too bad. They are missing out on a second great child, YOU. If you are okay not attending your sister’s anniversary that’s all that matters. If it makes your sister and your parents feel good showing off her house then maybe they haven’t grown up much.

I’m sorry your family seemed to forget your wedding anniversary. I would feel hurt if that happened to me too. I guess the only thing I can say is be happy your marriage is healthy. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You mentioned that you would never be insensitive to your two children, remember that when you get frustrated with them. Hopefully when your two kids are adults they won’t need to visit a self-esteem web site to feel good, it will be instilled in them thanks to you.

Hugs,

Ben

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:33pm
Ladies

Thank you for your responses. I would like to reply by saying, the anniversary card sent to all of our family members was what it was, nothing else. It was not a reminder to anyone. I don't send anniversary cards to anyone but our parents, nor do I expect to receive any from anyone. My parents were the only one of the group to respond as they did....no one else did this. I was raised to be suspicious and paranoid, so this just is just another typical response from them. I did not feel comfortable about sending the card to everyone BUT them. I do not have any underlying agenda or ulterior motive by sending the card. I was not expecting to "gain" anything. I did think it would be a nice tradition however, that MY kids might want to incorporate into their lives as adults. I have found myself, as an adult having to create my own traditions since there were none. This is fine, I have NO problem with this.

My sister and I do not have anything in common. If we were co-workers we would never become friends. She enjoys her lifestyle and I enjoy mine, neither is wrong. My parents have difficulty accepting not is one way right and one way wrong, but both can be right and yet different.

As for the "timing" of the card. When it is my wedding anniversary I usually find myself reflecting on the past years. When doing this I felt "warm and fuzzy" towards the supportive individuals in our families. Once again, not being comfortable about leaving anyone out, I sent the card to everyone. The "timing" was due to the date of the marriage, not to be noticed. I can't exactly change my anniversary for convenience.

The card was exactly what it was and nothing else.

I have worked very hard on becoming who I truly am and overcoming who I think others want me to be. A quote that I wrote and choose to live by is this: "Now is the time to start living the way you believe". And that is what I was doing and will continue to do.

Thanks again for replying.