Bummed out

Avatar for riparalegal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Bummed out
12
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 10:45am
Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry I haven't written and haven't been posting the "daily discussions". Things have been really busy and had started going really well for me and then today the bubble burst as it always seems to do *sigh*.

To make a long story short, I have been talking to a guy online and things were going great, he really liked me and we talked everyday. I got an email from him today and he said the distance would just be too much and just wants to remain friends. I'm fine with that and am grateful that he wants to remain friends but yet again I feel ... oh I mine as well say it, I feel let down by God.

I don't know how much longer I can continue with this joke of a life I have. I just don't understand it. I think I'll go home tonight and look at my "happy box" and maybe that will help me feel better. I've got alot of positives in my life ...

1. Great friends I can hang out with schedules permit.

2. Great parents who love me dearly.

3. A good job.

4. I'm smart and I'm working on losing weight.

5. I'm a good person.

Etc., etc., etc.

I'd just like to know why I can't have someone special in my life! I feel like yelling out my window at God and asking WHYYYYYYYYY. Why is it so difficult to meet people? None of my friends know anyone or aren't willing to set me up if they do know someone. Online dating just doesn't work as I've found out numerous times and I need to stop putting myself in that situation.

Guess I'll just get back to work ... that seems to be the only reason why God put me on this earth, I see no other reason why I'm here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 1:56pm
(BIG SIGH)

I know where you are coming from. Not to take the attention away from you but I've been feeling similar myself. Here I am in my new condo and I'm still not happy or as excited as everyone told me I'd be feeling. Over the weekend I finally went to the pool at my complex. I haven't been there all summer, partly due to the weather, partly to still moving in. It was nice but I felt rather alone. Anyway, all week I've been wondering, what is the point to life? I have my own place now, it's going okay, the bills haven't been as overwhelming as I anticipated, but I'm still not that happy with life. I'm healthy, have a nice group of friends, my parents are well, I have a good job but I'm still not that happy. What gives?

Are we destined to work all week to go home to just ourselves? I look at some friends who have husbands/kids/pets/nice home - the works, and I wonder if that would make me happy? Probably not because I have to be happy with myself first. I know that a few of my friends have all of this and yet are still not as happy as they would like to be. Why? Why are so many people not happy with life? Do we expect too much? Has the media brainwashed us into believing we need this, that and the other thing?

I don't know what the answer is for you and your love life. I can only hope that in time we'll all find happiness. That's what I'm hoping happens to me eventually. I'm still seeing a therapist and just wondering if this is all part of my therapy? When will I have a break-through and go 'A-ha! That's it! That's why I haven't been happy all these years.'

I guess I've sort of given up on men for now. Until I like me for me I don't think I should pursue a relationship with someone else besides, I honestly haven't been interested in anyone for a long time. That's another one of those puzzlers. Why does one co-worker think 'Jeff' is good looking and I see nothing attractive about him?

Ahhhggg! It's all very frurstrating. Just know that you aren't alone in this struggle. does anyone else have any insight on this subject? I'd love to hear from others.

Hang in there, I truely beleive Prince Charming, or at least his cousin, will come galloping into our lives - eventually.

Hugs,

Ben

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:17pm
Hey you - I'm happy to "see" you again. But I'm sorry you're so bummed out :(

You are so intelligent, and have so much to offer - so I'm sorry this guy decided against a relationship. At least he was honest - so many people would just decide to "disappear" you know? hey - and you never know. This friendship end up developing into something else... he might decide that the distance doesn't matter. If it's meant to be....

I'm glad you put down so many positives about yourself & your life in this post. I know I don't need to tell you that there are so many good things in your life, and that you are a lucky person.... take a look around you & you'll know that you do have a good life, and things to be happy about :)

So many people say the same thing - "why can't they meet that special someone"? You know, really - WHY?? Where are they all at??? Doggone it! Just keep trying. Don't give up. You know all of the recommendations - join clubs, take classes, volunteer.... Mr. Wonderful won't show up & knock on the door ;) He's out there looking for you too...

Hugs to you hon!!!!!

Julie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 3:54pm
Hi, You have asked a few of the oldest questions. Why am I alone & why am I on this earth? Only God knows for sure but make no mistake you are definately here for someone out there and to do some really good things too. I personally believe that you should change your focus from guys right now, just try to turn away slightly from thoughts of wanting that someone special for a little while.

It's so true that we all need to work on ourselves first before we can be happy with someone. Maybe this is the simple answer that God is telling you. You're not ready yet.

Funny thing happened to me one day after I had completely given up any hope of getting married. I actually met someone, a very special someone. I had just ended a five year long relationship with a loser and felt like a loser too. I was getting older and believed at the time that no man would want me. That was truely how I felt for quite a while.

It was interesting though, I began to focus on my dreams; first asking myself what my dreams were because I hadn't spent too much time thinking about them. I realized that I wanted "things" and a "lifestyle". I began working on them and all of the sudden guys were hittn' on me left and right. What changed? I guess I did in a fairly short amount of time too.

What is it that people are drawn to? Confidence, fun loving, happy, etc. You will be surprised at how men will flock to you when you least expect it. Join a gym with a friend and have some fun, you will make male friends too and who knows where that will lead to.

I guess what I am saying is don't give up but just don't obsess about guys, all single women do; I remember. Remember one thing, guys love the chase. Be confident and they will want you. One day, you'll look back at these days and wonder why you worried so much about it. Go have some fun with your best girlfriends and feel good about all of your great qualities. ~netlady

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:38pm
I don't have any magical answers to make your questions disappear, because they are valid and often asked by us single women. Before I came online I myself had a nice big cry. I normally don't feel sorry for myself, but today was also a bummed out day for me. I heard a song on the radio. Short side of it, it was about a guy thinking back to his old relatioship and how he missed her and he was dating a new girl, but kept thinking of his old love and it was a beautiful song. I thought to myself, will I ever have someone love me that much? I am 26 and I have never been in love and I am okay with that most of the time. But then you have days like today and question the universe and ask for answers. I have to remind myself of advice I was given on my sister's wedding day. This lady that was friends with my sister came up to me before the wedding and said, "Someone's mother, right now, is praying that her son will meet you". We have to keep the faith that our perfect love is out there, right now, but we have to remember that we can't just sit around until then. It will happen, just keep the faith. It may have to be a daily or weekly affirmation that you must say to yourself, but it will keep you sane. So just remember, someone's mother is praying that you meet her son!

Remember tomorrow is a new day with new paths to take you to your loved one.

Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 10:45pm
Hi Ben,

I'd like to respond to your post...SIGH!! It is true...so many people are not happy with their lives and I can't help but think it's our own expectations, yearnings, desires that haven't been met in one way or another. What we DON'T have always looks good..think about it. I'm married with children, a house, no dogs but 2 hamsters and you know what? I'm not happy. It seems like all of these things just give me MORE stuff to worry over, to have problems with, etc. My marriage, although not terrible, has lost its "umph." Both of our jobs are very stressful and most of the time we just don't feel like doing anything but sleep. We have talked about it so it's out in the open and we have done some things to work on it but it's definitely not the same as it was. I have an older daughter who is out of the house but my son is becoming very difficult to handle. He has ADHD and it is NOT fun....notes from the teacher all the time and even when I talk to her on the phone she's sarcastic and obviously has had it with him. I know it's not my (or his) fault the teacher is like this and maybe another teacher might be better...well, it doesn't matter now. He has 2 more weeks and then he's off to middle school. The unfortunate part of all this is the schoools here are not tolerant of this type of disorder, which makes life for the family almost unbearable.

Anyway.....life is hard and it definitely isn't "The Brady Bunch" scene. In fact, there are times when I fantasize about coming home to an empty home so I can unwind from my hectic day and have a pleasant evening. To top it all off.....I haven't had a chance to complete my Master's degree so I can start the career I've always wanted to. It's a long story but as a single parent I had to uproot and move across country to care for my ill mother. I thought I'd be able to get back to school but I haven't. Things just didn't turn out the way I had hoped...or planned.

I know things don't stay the same forever and that's what keeps me going. I know one day I will have what I want to feel fulfilled. That's the key...feeling fulfilled. For many of us fulfillment comes from a career or a husband or children or a busy social calendar. We're all different. But...how do you know that what you yearn for is what will bring you fulfillment??? Because it's only a thought and a feeling when you yearn and yearnings paint a picture that may not be true to reality. I spend a lot of time wondering about this and about if I really did have what I want would I be satisfied or would there be something else I'd want. I have too many "if onlys" in my life. People say you need to concentrate on what's good in your life NOW and not live for when the "if only" happens. I struggle with this sometimes. I'm just tired of all the curve balls. Sorry if I've gone on and on.....I'm not having a good day today.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 10:52pm
riparalegal

Just a personal little story:

My son just turned 31. He lives in Canada with his wife of nearly 3 years. He was born and raised in the Midwest, USA. They met on line. They met in a science fiction chat room. They both love sci-fi. She is exactly what this "mother prayed for her son to meet". They are a perfect match. They chatted for about 2 years before they ever met. Then it was another 3 years before they married. He graduated from college and moved to where she was, to marry her. I also could not have picked a better place for him to live. You see he is legally blind. The mass transit in Canada is safe and easily accessible, at least where he lives. Every time I talk to them on the phone, I thank God for the internet and Babalyon 5.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 10:55pm
Hi there! I just want to take a moment and respond to your post. I've had a bad day today but I'm going to shove that under the carpet for now and deal with my post to you.

First, work is not the only reason God put you here. I know you feel it's easy for me to say, but you have to give life time. Many times things don't always happen when we want them to, nor do we understand the situations we find ourselves in all the time. However, I believe wholeheartedly that there is a reason.

You wrote down the good things about your life. That is great and it sounds like you're a very lucky lady! Take it slow and don't rush into a committed relationship. That special person will come soon enough. Enjoy your freedom now because there are many who don't have that and wish they did. Have fun with your friends, pursue a hobby, join a club, take a class in something you've always wanted to learn.

You'll see as time goes by how things will change. That is inevitable so hang in there!!

Paula



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: riparalegal
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 11:46pm










Edited 7/28/2003 11:50:10 PM ET by n2ishn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
In reply to: riparalegal
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 8:48am
No problem, you didn't go on too long. I totally agree with you. You mentioned our own expections haven't been met. That's very true. I think we're all brainwashed by the media to want things, whether it's possesions or relationships. we think, 'this is what I want', 'this will make me complete' but that's not always true. I see some friends and family members and wonder if I would be happy in their situation. Probably not. It's not that I yearn for a husband and kids, what I often wonder is what it will take to make me happy? More money? It might be nice but I'm sure I'd want something else. A great spouse or boyfriend? It might be nice but I'm not sure that is the answer too. A pet? Well, then I would feel pressure to go home during lunch, losing my lunch hour, to take the dog for a walk or feel guilty if I went out for an entire day on the weekend leaving them home.

I can't imagine being a single mother. That is such a big responsibility. I give you and all of my friends who are single mothers credit. It's not for everyone. The same way being single isn't for everyone.

I have to find a balance in my life. I'm just not sure what it is that will make me feel complete, content. For now I think I'm just going through a transition, learning to live alone will take a little while. I'm sure everyone goes through this.

Thanks for all of your thoughts. It's good to exchange thoughts with each other and know we are all in the same boat.

Hugs,

Ben

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
In reply to: riparalegal
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 8:50am
What a sweet story. I love it! It almost sounds like a Lifetime movie. I'm so happy for you and your son.

Hugs,

Ben

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