I am in need of constant validation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
I am in need of constant validation
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 7:44am
I can't let things be because it eats me up inside so much. Especially when dealing with guys. This one guy, who I've known for quite a long time and have dated keeps telling me that we'll do something and that he'll call me. A few weeks go by and he doesn't call so I call him just to make sure he's not mad at me for some reason. He seems fine and then maybe a bit of my frustration comes through on the phone because he won't make time to hang out and he's all nice and says he'll call. Once again I get to thinking about how maybe I sounded too harsh and he's not going to call. He doesn't call for a while and the whole cycle starts over. This is how I drive people away. I need constant reassurance that people like me. What can I do to change the way I act?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 10:45am
Hello and welcome to the board (I am a midwestern woman too :)

After reading your post, I don't think it's you, I think it's him. I'd be feeling the same way if I were you. If someone said "I'll call & we'll go do something" and a few weeks passed by - I'd be like "what's up?"

Is he one of those casual people who doesn't want to commit to plans? Or is he trying to wriggle out of making plans with you? that's what you need to find out. If he truly wants to get together with you, then he will. You may have to nudge & say "hey, how about instead of you calling me in a week or two - let's pull out our calendars & pick a day to have lunch, or whatever".

He may or may not be stringing you along. If he is, that's not good or fair to you.

Hugs, Julie


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 7:57pm
It sounds to me like you already know your answer. The question is why do you "need constant validation"? Perhaps you are dealing with some abandonment issues? Or maybe you might want to check out some of the common symptoms for borderline personality disorder. My advice would be to check into some general counseling in your area; perhaps with a psychologist. It doesn't sound like it is severe enough to go to a psychiatrist, just someone with the knowledge to help you learn some coping skills.

Specifically, the friend that you mentioned. Perhaps he is not interested in the same kind of relationship that you are and doesn't want to loose you as a friend. I have noticed that men seem to have a tendency to think they will loose the friendship if they pursue a dating relationship. I would come right out and ask him, if you truly want the answer. Just be prepared for anything.

Good luck and welcome. I too am new here and from the midwest.