Why am I so neurotic?!

Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Why am I so neurotic?!
5
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 10:28am
Well, I told you all I had a great date with that guy, everythign went so well, he asked me out for a second date even before the first was over! Just everything about the night was positive. he next day he emailed me and told me how much funhe had and was so glad he got to meet me and go out with me. So did a few quick emails throughout the day, then he sent me one saying he had to scratch the plans we made for tonight, he is being sent outof town for work. Now, we had talked about ithte night before, how one thing he hates about his job is he is the only single guy so he ends up with last minute trips and such all the time. So, I shouldn't be suprised or anything, should just feel like it is no big deal. But I am freaking out! I am convincing myself that he is going to blow me off! What could possibly have happened in the 6 hours he was in work to change his mind abou tme...NOTHING! But I am such a loon. I can't just relax. I thinkmaybe because I am going away for business next week so I am afraid I won't get to see him before I go, then in my warped mind, I will be away 5 days so he will forget about me, I am such a dork! How can I have come so far, felt so strong and happy about how I am and then after one date with a guy, I feel like a sniveling little girl again! I refuse to go back to that, even if we don't ever see each other again, it really isn't a reflection on me so why would I take it that way, it was only one date, no matter how great i thought it went!

Ok, just needed to vent, to talk myself down from panic!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 10:39am
Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry you are feeling this way but remember, we all have lapses. I know this is not the same thing but I still get weird vibes walking into my condo or simply walking into the bathroom and seeing the shower curtain. I keep wondering if someone is hiding behind it ready to jump out at me. I know it's silly but the thought is still in my mind. I keep making my self jumpy in my own condo.

I don't know why we do these types of things to ourselves. I also know you don't want to be an overkill and bombard him with e-mails or snail mail notes but, would you feel better droping him a quick e-mail to say hi or remind him you are going out of town next week? If he replies would that calm your nerves?

I don't want you reverting back to your old self either so I'm not sure what to say. (big sigh) I hope your vent here made you feel better.

Hugs,

Ben

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 10:50am
((Hug)) I dunno about everyone else, but I get that way too.

Heck, you just want to share your time with a nice guy.. nothing wrong with that.

Just try to keep things in perspective: If he IS a good guy & is worthy of you, he WILL not forget about you. He WILL want to see you again, and will be courteous & will make time for you.

You are a prize, don't forget that. He's going to be lucky if he gets you, right?? ;)

Hugs, Julie

Avatar for loritemp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-31-2003 - 11:46am
You ladies are so weet, thanks for making me feel better! I emailed him yesterday in response to his email abotu going out of town so I am going to leave it at that for right now. If I don't hear from him today or tomorrow (which is possible if he is in meetings) then I might email him before i leave tomorrow, just to say last day with email for a while but I will be around till Tuesday if he wants to call. I don't want to be that whiney girl and right now there is no reason to, just old insecurities creeping in. Funny thing is, this guys seems very no nonsense, very upfront. I know I don't know him that well yet but I get the feeling that if he decided not to see me agin, he would say it. He actually did tell me that the other girls he met from Match he knew right away he wouldn't hit it off with them and after the date, he made no pretenses about seeing them again. I just need to remember that I am a wonderful person and if he chooses to see me again, he will definately be putting himself into a situation that will benefit him, he will be spending time with someone who will add something to his life. And if he can do the same for me, then it will happen without prodding or game playing on either of our parts!

Ok, feeling better but still crossing my fingers

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 1:14am
Hi,

I don't blame you for being insecure about this if you have been hurt before. Don't give any relationship that much power & don't rely so much on the call. I wouldn't even email him agian & just wait until next week. Don't put all your eggs in 1 basket though...that's a lot of pressure.

Get this, I went on a date...it will be 2 Saturdays this Saturday. When does he call...yesterday...that's 1 week 4 days. When I gave him a bad time his reaction was "it wasn't that long ago" I mean I think that it is & ya can't blame it on him being busy as he was laid off from work. Not to say that he is sitting around eating bon bons, but perhaps 1) I didn't make such a great impression or 2) He just isn't a "caller". It's what we make up about it. I don't see guys getting all weird about this stuff...which just kills me.

Being neurotic, you are not. I think you are just looking out for your own interests & don't want to get hurt again. Look at it that way...you are just being careful with your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 2:31am
Hi Lori.

I think what you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. Even though you gave yourself time to heal after your breakup with you ex you still feel very vunerable about opening yourself to new relationships. When you're feeling vunerable you feel more sensitive to your perception of how other men are treating you. Again all ot this is normal. When we lose a relationship we naturally miss the sense of connection that we had with that other person. Then we want to experience that sense of connection and security in order to make ourselves feel whole. This is not overdependent behavior. People normally seek out people that they can feel close to. You're not a weak person for feeling the need to do this. The thing is that after a breakup you do feel vulnerable and you tend to feel the need to protect yourself by having high standards of how you should behave. Any behavior that reminds you of your behavior in your past relationship seems totally unacceptable and you feel that you are reverting to a negative or unwanted level of functioning. The thing that we frequently forget is that our behavior is an natural part of ourselves. Wanting to feel a sense of closeness in a relationship is not overdependence. A realationship doesn't usually fail because we wanted an inappropriate feeling of security. It fails because one or both persons were not able acheive a natural and healthy level of closeness and connection that is important in any healthy relationship.

Based on the way that you discribed you ex, he seems like a selfcentered, immature person who wouldn't be able to maintain any healthy relationship. When we are drawn to someone it's not a weakness that we try to achieve the level of trust and security that we need in any serious relationship. Wanting this is a sign of health not overdependence. Staying in a relationship that you feel a committment to is also a sign of health. You did all that you possibly could to try to repair you relationship instead of just walking away at the first sign of trouble. You can look back on the relationship knowing that you did your best and then it was time to move to the possibility of finding a relationship that has the potential for meeting your needs.

OK so now you're ready to move forward, but you still feel somewhat insecure about your ability to connect with another person. Every one tends to be hypercitial of our behavior because we're concerned about the possibility that another person wil be drawn to us. If that doesn't happen then we assume that whatever happened or didn't happen is the result of something that we said or did. When the fact is that the person that you date may not want or be able to connect to anyone. Their behavior is more a sense of you THEY are as opposed to who YOU are.

One thing that we frequently forget when we open ourselves to new relationships is that it probably took an extensive amout of time to find the last person wth whom we were able to develop close committed relationships. That meant going on lots of dates. Going through a lot of relationships that seem to have had potential for delveloping into something more, but for whatever reason they didn't last. Then after going through all of that you found someone who after a period of time you felt that you were able to make a committment to. And you were comitted. You explored every possiblity for making the relationship work before you walked away. That is a sign of health not something that you should ever feel ashamed of. So now your healthy, strong and emotionaly ready to to open yourself to meeting someone new. Starting over is always hard. We always miss the closeness that we used to have. So try to go with the flow of dating. It takes a lot of effort but eventualy you will be able find someone that you can trust and love. You have to shift through a lot of lumps of coal before you find a diamond.

Sorry to have gone on so long. Hope this helps.

Renee

PS: The thing that I hate about email is that it has replaced the necessity of making a phone call. During a phone call at least you have the opportunity, however uncortable that may be, of asking a pewrson to explain their behavior. With an email we're left hanging and then we feel like we're being overly needy if we email the person back and ask them about why they behaved the way they. So go with the flow. Email that you're going to be out of town and unavailable because since he has expressed an interest in seeing you again that's the appropriate thing to do. We try to treat other people the way we want to be treated and they might actually do the same for us. If he doesn't follow up than it's his loss that he missed the opportunity to get to know you better.


Edited 8/2/2003 2:49:37 AM ET by lonewomansdance