Will it ever get better?

Avatar for jessicasue
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Will it ever get better?
1
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 1:42pm
Will it ever be better? Will I ever feel confident in my abilities and myself? I don’t believe I will ever feel intelligent. I can see myself being famous for my research and my counseling, but I don’t believe I will ever reach that point. After all how can I help others when I can’t even help myself? It’s ironic that I want to help others overcome their problems and feel better about them selves, but I’m in the same boat as them and mine is sinking fast. I panic that I will never be as good as I need to be, but I’m not willing to put forth the effort or to sacrifice my “free time” to accomplish this. This could be a result of being spoiled or just plain laziness. So far everything had been handed to me. I never had to work for what I got. I believe in working for what you get, but I can’t seem to do it. Perhaps its my belief that I’m not smart enough or that no matter how hard I try I will never get where I will be comfortable. As far as I know I will always feel like this, lost, confused, and unintelligent. I couldn’t possibly stand by and talk to someone like I know what I’m talking about because I never truly do. I’ll never know everything I want to, even if I try, I will come short. I have tried a lot to make myself feel smarter, affirmations, reviewing my accomplishments, but it always comes back the same, it was mere luck. I tell myself I will do my best. I work hard the first few days, however soon I slack off wondering what is the point of trying when I’m not getting anywhere. Why can’t I learn that in order to get somewhere I need to keep trying? I stop and then I realize I’m a failure again. I know what needs to be done, but I don’t want to work for it. I can’t imagine that I like feeling this way deep down inside, but how come I won’t try to change it? Even when I’m in a slump of depression I know that I could feel better but I’d rather sit by and tell myself I’m stupid, that I will never get anywhere. If I saw someone else doing this I would wonder why they kept up this cycle, what would possess them to give up and fall back into their “normal” routine of self-pity and hatred. In my more cynical times, which are fortunately few and far between, I feel that the person deserved it because they can help themselves, but they insist on being this way. I am that person. I would rather slink back into a corner and hide pitying myself and agonize over my failures than to stand up to the world and say, “Here I am! An intelligent, bold young women ready to take on anything that can be thrown in my way. Bring it on!” I might realize this, I could even come up with several ways to combat it. However I do not. I hide under the sheets reverting back to when I was a young girl fighting every urge to grow up. Perhaps that is what I need to do…grow up. Overwhelmed and crushed I continue on in the cycle that appears never to be broken.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 1:20am
Jessica

It is normal for you to be doubting yourself and your abilities, to a certain extent, especially considering the field that you have chosen to go into. I am a senior this year and am having very similar doubts. I feel like everyone is smarter than I am. While discussing this out loud with my husband I began to think it could be because we are still in the student role, still learning. Our professors "should" know more than us, yet we are the ones going out into the world to help the ones in need. How could we possibly feel competent? But we will be, because we ARE aware of our limitations, therefore what we do not know, we will find the answers to, from someone else more experienced in that knowledge. They in turn may come to you for information in an area that you are more knowledgable.

The problem is....if you don't ever finish anything, then you never fail. This is an easy trap for a perfectionist to fall into. When you are fighting with your own self esteem issues, it is easy to overwhelm yourself. It is not that you are lazy, but perhaps you are just afraid of failure (in your eyes). Just remember each time you help another, you help yourself. You are not expected to go out there and be God, just someone that assists another find their own answers. You are not expected to find solutions for your clients problems, but to help them find their own solutions. If you go into research, you will not be working alone anyway. You will have a supervisor until you are able to work on your own.

So don't look for excuses but start concentrating on what you want to learn more about and work towards that. A quote I like:

"The farther a man knows himself to be free from perfection, the nearer he is to it.

- Gerard Groote