I've hit an all time self esteem low!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
I've hit an all time self esteem low!
5
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 8:59pm
I feel so alone and worthless, especially after today. If you read my post below about being the ugly, boring duckling it feels so true. Much of my unhappiness is coming from my co worker who seems to be stealing all of my happiness without knowing it. I work in a company of 30 people and only 8 are women. She's the newest, having been here only 4 months. and the guys absolutely love her. She's pretty, outgoing, fits in like one of the guys. Before her, I was the one that the guys liked to hang out with. I have always been quiet, but they always thought I was pretty, cool and down to earth. But the guys never really talked to me a whole lot at work, or else we just kidded around but hung out sometimes for happy hour. She sits just across the room from me and she's always got someone talking to her every 15 minutes. Now if anyone does talk to me, it's to ask me a work related question, not to just chat. I am very envious. I knew from the moment she started people, especially guys, would like her. I've been with the company 8 years and haven't had the guts to say out loud some of the things she did in the first week she was here. Now it's almost like guys don't even acknowledge me and one guy who used to kid with me doesn't even say anything to me when we pass each other and I feel worthless. I am so sensitive as to how people feel, that if I do go and strike up a conversation with a guy at work, I get a look like "why are you over here, do you like me", or kind of a "I'm busy right now". Then I don't want to talk to them until they come and talk to me. I must just have this aura about me that says stay away, she's so serious and too work oriented and just not fun. I think a lot of it has to do with my shyness, which is taken for snobbery. I know I'm uneasy to be around because I am quiet and I just focus too much on what I say or feel like I'm butting into conversations when I shouldn't be which is why I don't talk a lot. I feel I have nothing to offer anybody in the way of conversation. I blush at a moments notice.

Also, I finally met a guy on Match.com last week after talking with him for a few weeks. We met for a couple of drinks, obviously he could've left after the first one, but wanted to have another. After the second one we parted ways and he said he wanted to make it more formal next time and have dinner. Said he was going to be working Friday night (which I knew-he works Friday's as a bouncer) and was going to a concert on Saturday, but that he would call me early this week. He gave me a hug when we left. Well I knew he'd probably watch Monday Night Football so didn't call him then. Tuesday he plays flag football, so I emailed him Tuesday morning just to give a quick hi and ask about his weekend. He emailed me back Wednesday morning and said he would have a few minutes free that night and he'd call. He didn't. He didn't call Thursday night either. I sent him an email this morning asking if he'd like to get together next week. I haven't gotten a response back yet. I find it hard to believe that after having a nice time together that he would just not respond at all after telling me he'd like to go out for dinner and that he wouldn't put more effort even into just a quick email saying that he was sorry he couldn't call. It makes me feel like crap. I always end up doing the work when I meet a guy and I swore this time I wouldn't do that, but I'm doing it anyway. I want so terribly to be with someone and have romance and have all the things that my friends have had in relationships and now take for granted. Someone who actually thinks about me and wants to get to know me.

Then to top it all off, I was angry when I left work because of all of the above things and pulled into a parking stall a little too fast and tapped the bumper of the guy in front of me who was just getting out of his car. He looked at me like I was an idiot. I got out and said I was sorry and he had one of those "women drivers are idiots" look on his face. I just about wanted to cry, but just walked quickly into the store and at this point I didn't care if anyone liked me or not.

I have no close friends left who are single, so my weekends are spent by myself. Well my best friend is still single, but she's out of the country for a year. I have a very hard time getting close with female acquaintances and it would be nice to have some new female friends to go out with, I just always feel like I'm intruding. One of my coworkers and his girlfriend asked me out a couple of months ago because there were going to be some single guys out and I just felt so out of place. Their other friends looked at me like "why is she here, she hardly says anything".

I'm just at a very low point right now and as much as I would love to change, I really don't think I can. If I could be loud and carefree, I would, but I'm just too aware about what everyone is thinking about me.

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 8:12pm
Awwww...you are not alone! I am 38 & soend a lot of my weekends by myself.

Listen...work is work. Ot's a 4-letter word. You are there to do a job NOT socialize, but it is nice to be in a comfortable environment since we do spend 40+ hours in a week. I would just keep doing your job. If it's any consolation, my boss hates me & has told me in one way or another not to talk to her except for greeting in the morning & evening. She snaps at me & I am pretty tired of the abuse. I am going to be looking for another job.

Now with this guy. Ok it is only natural to get excited, but you have to stop & say "wait a minute, I just met this guy". People are cowards when it comes to telling the truth & saying "Hey I like you, but..." You need to stop personalizing or at least stop getting your hopes up so high.

I recently started going to a Co-Dependents group. Check out the website. I think it I post it here, it will not show plus I don't want to violate any rules. It's a great group of women and what I have learned is that I am not alone when I feel extremly needy & I feel like I don't have a life. There are a LOT of times I have isolated myself & have totally flaked on people therefore feeling bad & apologizing like crazy aftewards.

I am also seeing a therapist for support.

I am here...email me at: runnerliz@hotmail.com

Take care,

Funbiz




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 9:06am
You have two issues here, your co-worker(s) and the guy you met through match.com. I only have a few minutes so I'll address the co-worker issues.

You know that phrase, 'if you can't beat them, join them' ? Well, the one thing that crossed my mind as I read your post was, how about becoming friends with this girl? If you can befriend her maybe little by little you will feel more confident, less animosity and the guys you work with will see you as 'more fun,' or whatever it is they see in her. I know you've mentioned you are shy but if this is a BIG problem for you then you really need to try and address the shyness issue. It will be difficult but the more you try to attack this problem the easier it might get for you.

Think about it. Just say a few words to her either when you pass her desk or at the coffee/water station. How was your weekend? How do you like this weather. Anything, just to get the ball rolling.

As far as the guy goes, what can I say, some guys are just jerks. They might live in the minute and not think about how their actions affect other people. It sounds like this guy falls into that category. Maybe he just wanted to experiment with dating through match.com. I don't know. I say, write him off. If he calls again maybe consider dating him. Don't go crazy over him. He's not worth your time. I know you want to be in a relationship with someone but this guy doesn't sound like he's worth your energy.

I hope some of this helps a little.

Hugs,

Ben

<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microso

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 9:50am
The thing is I AM friends with this girl. I was the one who trained her when she started. I helped her move a couple of months ago, went shopping with her. We do talk and kid around, but the guys just gravitate to her more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 10:53am
I thought about you all weekend & hope today goes better for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:08pm
Thnaks. I do feel better today. Haven't heard from that guy, but I'm not going to chase him. I have my headphones on while I'm working today so I don 't hear everybody talking to the other girl. You know, she used to talk me a lot and now it's pretty much when she has a question or just says a little something in passing. I guess I'm just not as cool as I used to be. I can't help that I'm more work oriented rather than party oriented!