new- obsessed w bf's past sex life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
new- obsessed w bf's past sex life
3
Wed, 10-15-2003 - 7:05pm
Please read and help me, I am new to this board. For the past 3 weeks I have cried every single day and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I am haunted by thoughts of the past. Especially thoughts of my boyfriend's past sex life. Let me explain. I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We plan on getting married and have been together a year and a half. Let me explain my past. I was very overweight for the first two years of high school. Halfway through soph year, I started a diet and eventually became anorexic. I went from 220 lbs to 112 in about 7 months. I didn't have my period for 15 months and I was losing my hair. I was so tired, I didn't really have time for much fun. Senior year I gained 10 lbs and started feeling better. In college I gained more back and now at 23 I am trying to lose 20-30 lbs. This really impacted my high school life. With an eating disorder, a physical deformity (tuberous breasts) and attending an all girls school, I was very insecure around boys and didn't even have my first kiss until college, and only went on a few dates in college and high school. I felt completely awful and inadequate bc of this. In college it was a lot better because I had such an active social life. Well, my boyfriend lost his virginity when he was 16. He has had sex with two people. This thought crushes me. I think about it maybe 200-300 times a day, almost constantly. It is interfering with work, eating, sleep, everything. All I do is cry. It bothered me since hte beginning but since I am teaching in a high school now, it is killing me, getting worse and worse when I see student sin the hallway kissing or something I freak out. I cry at lunch, I cry when I work out sometimes, I even cried in church and haven't gone back since. I was taught that losing your virginity was terrible that you should save it for someone you love. I held to that and I feel cheated that no one waited for me. I cannot orgasm w my boyfriend bc all I think is "his penis was in another girl" "other people know what it feels like to have him inside their vagina" I have even cried during sex. He tries to make me feel better, saying he felt like a virgin with me, that he barely rmembers the other times (6 1/2 and 2 1/2 yrs ago respectively) He says what we do is completely different, bc its making love adn that he couldn't even last 5 minutes with the other girls bc he wasn't as comfortable as he is with me. (he can last 30-45 minutes on average) After he had his first heartbreak, he stopped waiting for true love to have sex. Just "because he liked them and wanted to do it with someone he liked" He didn't think it was a big deal. He says that he thinks coming with somoene is more intimate. He never did that bc he thought it should be saved for teh person you were spending your life with. I know he loves me and I love him but why isn't it enough? Why can't I let go of my regrets from the past and accept his choices? Crying isn't going to fix this. How do I get these thoughts to go away? I have made an appt with a psychologist, but found out I have to pay 50 % which is 100 a visit. But hopefully it will be worth it. I started a new job teaching at a high school and I also started birth control recently. Maybe these are triggers? Please help me. Thank you so much for reading this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 8:45am
Welcome,

Please keep the appointment with the psychiatrist. Even if you only go for 4 sessions see what the Dr. has to say. Ask them to refer you to a pshchologist if the cost is less so that you can visit on a more regular basis. I honestly don't have much advice for you because I've never had this experience myself.

First off, good for you kicking the anorexia. You should discuss this with your therapist too. There must be something in your past that triggered the anorexia and has led up to where you are today. Therapy is not an overnight remedy. It takes time so don't get discouraged if you don't feel better right away.

You need to understand, the majority of people are not and have not been virgins on their wedding day. I'm pretty sure my mom wasn't. I've never asked her but it's stands to reason, people just can't wait to experience sex if they are truly in love with someone.

I need some other people from the board to voice their opinions here. I really don't think it's reasonable to expect teenage boys (or girls) to wait to have sex. Peer pressure is all around us from the day we are born. You need to let go of the fact that your boyfriend has been with other women. Today this is just standard. It may not be morally right but it is a fact of life. Most young adults have premarital sex.

Please check in with us from time to time and let us know how your visit with the psychiatrist goes.

Take care, hugs,

Bennie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 2:23pm

Hello and welcome to the board....


I agree w/Bennie.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 7:17am
thanks so much for all your help. Yes, I am paying the 100 dollars and seeing the psychologist today. I made teh appointment for Wednesday but after crying ALL day Tuesday adn WEdnesday and Thursday morning I asked her if I could move it up. She squeezed me in tonight, for which I am grateful. I definitely think that my past religious upbringing and anorexia are BIG issues - all about control. And self esteem. I need to work on that one big time. Part of the reason I pushed guys away was because of my body image issues. (overweight, anorexic, and my breasts (grade II tubular breast deformity)I once stopped dating a guy in high school (after 3 dates) when I found out he wasn't a virgin. I am glad that I didn't let that stop me from dating my boyfriend. I will do whatever it takes to get over this. IT would ruin any relationship I found and I am incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who would turn his life around to fix this for me. I also talked to him last night and he was really great. He listened, held me, made me dinner and decided this would be a good time to tell me a funny story. I looked at him with tears in my eyes like "Are you kidding me? What are you thinking?" but he continued, saying a friend at work had asked him who he lost his virginity to a week or so ago. And he had replied "My girlfriend (me)" without even thinking about it. " I caught myself and corrected myself in my mind, but not to him, I don't feel like I was ever with anyone else. I associate sex with love and I love you. What is worth more to you, virginity, which they give to you once, or someone's entire life for the rest of yours?" It's worth a million dollars in therapy not to lose someone like this, isn't it? He also said if the church can annull marriages that never should have happened, we can annull our pasts. I asked if we would ever tell our kids about our sexual pasts or if we'd lie and tell them we lost our virginities to each other. He said it's not a lie because we made it the truth. We have a lot of time to think about stuff like that but I am feeling a little better. I know there's hope - there's doctors, friends, my incredible boyfriend and message boards filled with kind people who will help me too. I'm 23, I can fix this now and have the happiness I missed out on. Thanks so much and I will keep you posted.