new- obsessed w bf's past sex life
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new- obsessed w bf's past sex life
|Wed, 10-15-2003 - 7:05pm|
Please read and help me, I am new to this board. For the past 3 weeks I have cried every single day and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I am haunted by thoughts of the past. Especially thoughts of my boyfriend's past sex life. Let me explain. I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We plan on getting married and have been together a year and a half. Let me explain my past. I was very overweight for the first two years of high school. Halfway through soph year, I started a diet and eventually became anorexic. I went from 220 lbs to 112 in about 7 months. I didn't have my period for 15 months and I was losing my hair. I was so tired, I didn't really have time for much fun. Senior year I gained 10 lbs and started feeling better. In college I gained more back and now at 23 I am trying to lose 20-30 lbs. This really impacted my high school life. With an eating disorder, a physical deformity (tuberous breasts) and attending an all girls school, I was very insecure around boys and didn't even have my first kiss until college, and only went on a few dates in college and high school. I felt completely awful and inadequate bc of this. In college it was a lot better because I had such an active social life. Well, my boyfriend lost his virginity when he was 16. He has had sex with two people. This thought crushes me. I think about it maybe 200-300 times a day, almost constantly. It is interfering with work, eating, sleep, everything. All I do is cry. It bothered me since hte beginning but since I am teaching in a high school now, it is killing me, getting worse and worse when I see student sin the hallway kissing or something I freak out. I cry at lunch, I cry when I work out sometimes, I even cried in church and haven't gone back since. I was taught that losing your virginity was terrible that you should save it for someone you love. I held to that and I feel cheated that no one waited for me. I cannot orgasm w my boyfriend bc all I think is "his penis was in another girl" "other people know what it feels like to have him inside their vagina" I have even cried during sex. He tries to make me feel better, saying he felt like a virgin with me, that he barely rmembers the other times (6 1/2 and 2 1/2 yrs ago respectively) He says what we do is completely different, bc its making love adn that he couldn't even last 5 minutes with the other girls bc he wasn't as comfortable as he is with me. (he can last 30-45 minutes on average) After he had his first heartbreak, he stopped waiting for true love to have sex. Just "because he liked them and wanted to do it with someone he liked" He didn't think it was a big deal. He says that he thinks coming with somoene is more intimate. He never did that bc he thought it should be saved for teh person you were spending your life with. I know he loves me and I love him but why isn't it enough? Why can't I let go of my regrets from the past and accept his choices? Crying isn't going to fix this. How do I get these thoughts to go away? I have made an appt with a psychologist, but found out I have to pay 50 % which is 100 a visit. But hopefully it will be worth it. I started a new job teaching at a high school and I also started birth control recently. Maybe these are triggers? Please help me. Thank you so much for reading this.